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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being cruel or protecting myself?

13 replies

Purpleartichoke · 24/11/2018 00:30

The background. Trying to avoid the drip feed.

Dad was an abusive alcoholic when I was a kid. He has reformed somewhat, though still drinks, to the point that we have a relationship, but I don’t completely trust him.
Mom died this year and it’s his first Christmas alone.
Mom and dad rarely visited me.

When mom tried to visit solo he would get huffy about it.
My 9yo daughter had a serious injury recently and life is just hard right now with taking care of her. She will 100% recover, but at the moment she needs help with even the simplest tasks and we are getting up multiple times in the night. It’s a bit like having a 3 year old again, but one who is in pain and upset at her loss of privacy.
The guest room is also my office and craft room. It is currently a disaster with craft supplies everywhere because I am mid reorganizing.

I am not 100% ok with my dad dating, despite the fact that I don’t want him to be lonely and understand that widowers often date quickly.

Woman he is interested in dating lives near me. So he gets idea that he will come and stay at my house for Christmas, not be alone, and meet her in person. Kill two birds with one stone kind of thing.
He doesn’t want to rent a car despite my living in an area with zero public transit or cabs.

I told him it wasn’t a good time for him to visit. I feel like a bitch.

OP posts:
Bambamber · 24/11/2018 01:29

YANBU And you are most certainly not being a bitch. Concentrate on you and your daughter

Aridane · 24/11/2018 01:42

I don’t know

Birdsgottafly · 24/11/2018 01:57

Would he or did he do anything just to make you happy? Has he planned any of his life choices around your happiness?

Get rid of your guilt.

Is he now asking is there anything he can do to ease your DDs suffering, or take some of the burden off you?

In other words, has he ever been a Parent? He doesn't get to have a good Daughter just because he produces sperm.

I'd do a bit of remembering and think if he gave a shit about what he put your Mother through, as well as you.

It's going to do nothing for your or your DDs self esteem to have him sleeping in your house, so he is on a promise of a shag

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 24/11/2018 04:02

Yanbu. My dad moved on just as quickly after my mum died. To do it from your house is insensitive and it genuinely is a bad time. Say no

KC225 · 24/11/2018 10:25

You are putting the needs of your child first, unlike he ever did. Would he really be so keen to stay if his new love interest wasn't clkse by. I would not be happy with him swanning in and out. If he is not renting a car, does he expect you to ferry him around whilst caring for your daughter? A compromise is if he rent a hotel/air bnb and maybe he can come for Christmas dinner.

You were right to say no - don't feel bad. I hope your daughter recovers super quick.

TheStoic · 24/11/2018 10:27

I would say it’s not possible, and I wouldn’t feel even slightly guilty.

CrabbityRabbit · 24/11/2018 10:50

Has he actually offered any help or support during this visit? Has he been asking after DD? Has he been thinking about ways to support you during this time? Has he said he'll do anything to help sort the room?

No?

Instead he has invited himself at a bad time. Has done so in a way that will create extra work for you (sorting the room and ferrying him about). Has thoughtlessly told his recently bereaved daughter he wants to use your place as a base for his shag getaway.

YADNBU to say hell no.

gfk62 · 24/11/2018 11:11

Yanbu. He is using you to visit potential date and for free transport to do this. Tell him straight you have enough on your plate and will not be inviting him to stay or be a taxi service for him. Focus on your DD. Enjoy Christmas, if you enjoy a drink, feel free to carry on without worries of driving. Suggest he finds hotel between you and 'date' and he come alone for Xmas lunch via taxi.

Purpleartichoke · 24/11/2018 12:25

I did tell him no. Just felt really guilty about it. Feeling less so now.

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 24/11/2018 12:29

Don't know where you got tge dea that widowers ofte date quickly from, my grnadmoter never dated again and she lost my grandad almost 25 years ago, and when my mum died my dad wasn't even friends with another woman for a good 5 years.

HollowTalk · 24/11/2018 12:32

@AlmostAJillSandwich, I'm sorry you lost your mum, but you really can't draw any kind of data from your own experience.

Antigon · 24/11/2018 17:28

YANBU apt all. What was his reaction?

And was he really expecting you to be chauffer?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 24/11/2018 17:30

YANBU. You reap as you sow....

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