AIBU To be concerned about my relationship with my son

[ComeAlive]

I have an almost 4 year old son and I’m really concerned about our relationship. Since birth I have found him in the most part to be a handful. I don’t know if it just because I am a rookie mother or it’s just his stage in life but I find that he is so very stubborn, quick to throw a wobbly when he doesn’t get his own way and changes his mind on everything. He has turned into a picky eater and is very quick to express his dissatisfaction with something. I sometimes I find I get so angry with him and whilst I try and see the world through his eyes sometimes he is just so damn difficult that I blow my top and end up shouting at him then throwing a tantrum myself which is bloody embarrassing in the cold light of day. Today he has been very tired and spent over 3 hours crying or wingeing. I ended up shouting at him and having to leave him at home with my husband whilst I went out to calm down. He is my first child and I also have a 5 month old DD who at the moment is a very chilled out and happy little soul. I love my son dearly and we have days where he is great fun, fantastic company and a joy to be around. These don’t happen too often at the moment and I’m concerned there may be an issue growing between us. When he was a baby I had post natal anxiety, in part bought on my a v traumatic delivery and him being very ill. I wonder if our bond has been impacted. I come from a home where my mother and brother were violent towards each other and I am terrified that my son and I will have a broken relationship like this. I’m not violent towards my child however, when my buttons get pushed I get so angry inside And it scares me as well as makes me worried about our current and future relationship. Is this normal for his stage or does it sound like something is amiss here? What can I do to turn this around? Does anyone have any success stories to give some hope? He is at nursery 3 days a week and we spend the other two at home with time at the weekend just the two of us so I don’t think it’s attention seeking. He gets on brilliantly with his baby sister and she delights in him which always puts a smile on his face. I’m so very worried that the bond we had prior to our second baby arriving has disappeared for good.

In the nicest possible way, your catastrophising. You have no idea what your relationship with him will be like later, he’s only four! Cut yourself some slack.

4 year olds can be a pain. They cry and whinge and can try your patience.
My ds was a happy little lad but dd and I clashed throughout her child/teen years.
No harm done. They are 30 and 24 and we all get on fine.
Maybe you could spend times just you and ds on your own. Our time was a bedtime story and a chat together after baby dd was in bed (ds was 6 when she was born).
He s always been a great big brother but once confided in me that "do you ever want to send Emma back when she screams? It used to be nice and quiet when it was just us".
He might not be completely positive about the baby and just want some attention just for him.

I have three boys and found four a really difficult age. They just all seemed to be super oppositional and everything was a battle. It’s really hard to be patient if you have a small baby as well.
When I felt things were really bad I did try love bombing - which I think helped a bit. Also ‘How to Talk so kids listen and Listen so they talk’ book was good.
I think it’s mostly realising it is a tough stage and will pass and trying not to get into confrontations especially about small stuff.

Thanks everyone, all good insights and much appreciated.

I do bedtime with him and that’s normally pretty good although he delights in making a racket when his baby sister is trying to get off to sleep too. 😬 I will carve out some more us time when I can as it’s important for both of us. Will try the book too, it’s been on my bookcase for a while now so will put it to the top of the reading pile.

Can I ask, did you feel differently before dd arrived? I went through something similar when my second baby arrived my eldest was 3.5. I felt like something changed and was very angry a lot of the time. I was just suffering pnd and it made an impact on me and eldest rather than me and youngest. It was scary. But I got help and got through it. I now have 3 kids. My eldest is 8 and I feel the same toward all my kids and that feeling of dread and worry about our relationship has gone. Hope this helps in some way x

Yes I did feel different before DD arrived. My son and I were very close, yes he had his moments and shocking tantrums but we had a lot of really sweet moments that made me feel quite sad that they would be over when my dd arrived. We still have some lovely times but not as many. I wondered if it was because my DD is so far a very chilled out baby therefore highlighting his more demanding nature. I had post natal anxiety so I know the things to look out for from last time. I don’t think that’s the issue although I’m aware it can come at any time esp during the first year of having a new baby so am sensitive to my thoughts and feelings- maybe too sensitive hence I’m catastrophising.