To say too bad you're going...

[inmyshoos]

My dd10 s going through a phase of being really clingy. Her sister went through similar at the same age but also she has had lots going on in past couple of years (divorce, older sibling leaving home, other sibling moving to secondary school etc)

Now i am doing my best, i work hours around the dc, i am rarely away from them but dd10 wont stay with her Dad anymore and so i only get time awsy when im working. Its so intense, she wants to be sitting on top of me, sleeping in my bed etc and its actuslly affecting my mental health. I love her to bits, she is my baby but jesus i need some time out.

So she was invited to a sleepover tmrw. She was dead keen. (Has previoisly had mamy sleepovers and been fine!) So i arranged a night with girls from work which im really looking forward to. Now DD is saying she isnt sure she will go

Aibu to say too bad i need a break

Nope, just tell her she is going, it is rude to back out last minute. Also let her know you have plans and it would be rude for you to let your friend down as well.

Does she have a good reason not to want to stay at her dads?

If not, then give her the option of her Dad’s or the sleep over.

Don’t tell her you need space, simply say YOU are going out, she needs to choose where she’d prefer to stay or if she wants another babysitter.

I KNOW it’s hard when you’re living it, but remember the ‘phases’ when they were really little that seemed hard, do you not sometimes think they weren’t really that long and maybe wish you’d been less frustrated and enjoyed them more? One day you’ll wish you could have your clingy 10yo back. Truly.

Its so hard to make the right call. I hate her being upset but im also desperately needing some time off.

Her Dad isnt helpful. No way she could go there tmrw. She doesmt like going to stay with him because he has moved in with a new partner and doesnt like being away from me.

I know it will pass. I really do but i just need a wee break

Then give her the choice - sleep over or babysitter. YOU are going out tomorrow night, it sounds up to her to choose who looks after her. Sleepover mum or a babysitter. Do not cancel. She’s 10, old enough to understand you have plans where a child can not accompany you and that you have friends too. Yes she’s had a lot going on but not really any more than your average kid and she knows she can talk to you. What she can’t do is be the puppet master dictating your every move' pulling our strings. She needs you to be the parent.

...and yes, YOU need a ‘night off’. Friends, laughs and a few 🥂🍻🍹🍸🍷

By not allowing her to be "upset", she is controlling you like a puppet. A big part of life is being upset and dealing with unpleasantness and disappointment. You're the mother, she's the child. You need to start making new rules and enforcing boundaries.

She's 'lost' her Dad, her Sibling and the early part of her childhood has gone, so she clings to you, because she needs you to remain stable.

Have you spoke to her school about it, got her Pastoral support, or read up on how to help her?

MN can be overly harsh on any anxiety issue in Girls. This is an anxiety issue and you don't want it to escalate.

I'd read around the issue and see what's suggested by experts.

It really isn't fair on the sleepover Parents, if you've had a drink and they've got to deal with your DD being upset.

Force it and you won't be out for long and that's no good for both of you.

Maybe she just wants to be in her own home. Find a babysitter for her and have a night out.

I have a good understanding of anxiety in children, my older dd had similar issues at the same age. She outgrew them. I am firm but fair. I try not to pander to them but also we are extremely close, i am absolutely their rock, my life revolves around them. But this also means i do desperately need a break.

The friends mum knows there have been issies with anxiety, clingyness. She is a nursery teacher and has known my dd her whole life.

It would be worse if i was getting a sitter, she is keen to spend time with her friend. She is even teary if i leave her with my parents to go out for an hour to shop!

Its so hard. Sometimes being a single parent is so tiring. I love my dc to bits, i honestly do but its the lack of a regular break just to keep your head in a good place. Its hard

My DS12 is going through a very clingy phase. If I go out for an evening he develops a stomach ache. He stays home with my DH (his dad) but he just wants to be with me. I go out anyway. I'm sure it's just a phase. Similarly he goes away to camp every summer for a week. He misses me but has fun and does ask me to re book it when he gets back but then he has the wobbles beforehand.

She's 10, she's not a baby so I think you make her go to the sleepover. The worst thing you can do for anxiety is affirm that there is something to be anxious about. so if you cancel your night out and stay with her, it will affirm that she was right to be worried about it. Have you taken her to the gp?

I would make her go (saying I have plans) but I would put some kind of fall back arrangement in place. Eg I would arrange with the friend's mum that I was going to call her at (say) 10pm and if DD was awake and unhappy I would cut short my night out and come and pick her up. Chances are she'll be fine!

Ive taken her to the gp because part of her anxiety is that she feels dizzy. He has checked her over and given her the all clear. He says anxiety around tgis age is common, which i realise given my other dd. It seems to be worse on the run up to menarch which i reckon isnt terribly far away for dd.

I wont drink tonight just incase. I rarely drink so wont miss it.

My dd is anxious but i make her do things she dosnt always want to...school camp, babysitting etc. It helps her see that i am always coming back. Yanbu op. She will be fine and grow on independance.