To feel guilty for not home educating

[SleepingStandingUp]

So for context I quit work when DS was born as he has complex medical needs incompatible with the kind of childcare I could afford (aka a Nanny)

We got free nursery at 2 although it took so long to sort with 121 funding he was virtually 3 when he started. He's Bob verbal but school are great and he's getting better. He's 3.5 now, due to go to top reception September. He likes school although struggles with peer relationships.

But I feel so guilty for sending him and not delaying his start or home educating him. Everyone thinks I'm the kind of mum who would love to do it, but sometimes I feel so suffocated I just couldn't imagine it, I loved the summer holidays but they were ham packed with stuff and I was happy when September came and he was back 3 a day.

But then I think he's none verbal, some delay, medical needs - he'd be better in a home environment with me, teaching him organically and at his own pace. We could focus on what he loves and getting outside more. I feel like I should want to home educate him. I quit work to be with him! Why don't I want to?

Is it my guilty conscience telling me I should pull him out and home Ed him or is cot just crazy mum guilt for never being good enough?

Anyone else regret not home educating?

I have no experience of this, but you say he's doing ok for now which is all you need really. In the future, if he starts struggling more and if school stops being a good option you can reassess and decide if homeschooling will be a better fit or even an additional needs school (if appropriate).

Also, you matter as well so carve as much breathing space as you can and when you are able to so you can tackle whatever issues crop up.

for you

School are happy special school wouldn't take him, and really as soon as he's off o2 and thus disability / carers stops I need to work. Which is another reason home Ed wouldn't work long term

But every time I see a post about it (more often than you think!!) I feel absolute guilt, that they're a better parent than me for doing it

Every parent needs space. There's nothing wrong with your child knowing there are others who care for him
'They' are a team and you are one Person.
You will be a better mother by having space to be a human too so you can devote time to him when he's home and not feel squished by the pressure.

Don't ever think that someone is a better parent than you - their choices may be different, but their circumstances almost certainly are different too.

You are the doing the best job you can do. It's OK to not want to do something that other people do. I don't want to home Ed either, most people don't, or else we wouldn't have oversubscribed schools.

If he's happy and making progress, and you're rested and able to support him as best you can, you've nothing to feel guilty about.

No, home educating us a huge responsibility and workload. No-one should feel pressured to do it.
It's just a different choice. For some families home ed works and is a better choice. For other families school works and is a better choice.
Be confident in your own decision.

If you and he are happy with school then that is fine. If you get to the point where you feel school is not benefiting him or he is not enjoying it then you can reassess if needed.

I home ed but I think school can be brilliant too. I am most certainly not a better parent than someone who sends their child to school. I think people have the impression that parents who home ed are all like Mary Poppins but in reality we are a broad mix of people.

But what if he works be better off home Ed but I'll never know because I haven't given him that chance

There are so many factors to consider when deciding to home educate. Some of the major ones are affordability, whether or not you'd get a break from each other (everyone needs a break from time to time) and how you'd cope with that - you've ticked the boxes for both of these as reasons not to home educate.

I think some children thrive in school, some people thrive bring home educated and some could go either way. It sounds like school is looking promising so you should definitely give it a go. Don't worry what anyone else thinks - it's none of their business.

And if he was home educated he may not get chances to make friends or push himself. If he can see that everyone else can do X, he may be more likely to try and do it too, but may not bother at home.

Also, from what I've read, parents end up being pushed into HM as the schools are being unsupportive, though admittedly your son's school sounds really good so not all parents who HM are 100% behind the idea, it's just the better option.

If he's happy, and progressing, in a school which knows, and copes with your son's needs you've no need to feel guilty.

My kid has additional needs, quite complex and whole school isn’t meeting all the needs it is meeting one crucial one, time and respite for me. My kid will never be independent so I am taking these years of state care and education and making the most of it because I have a very long road ahead of me. Don’t feel guilty. Take the help. Take the time to yourself.

*while

As a home educator myself I always advise people (up until GCSEs are a factor) to focus on the now - what is right for now - try not to look too far down the line. In the same way that school always remains an option so will home ed.

It sounds as if school and the break it gives you is the right thing for now. Sounds like your son is doing well at school and they are supportive so see absolutely no need for guilt. Home educating absolutely does not mean you are a better parent.

Possibly looking in to flexischooling, at least until CSA if you are worried about the long days/tiredness with health issues might be a compromise.

SleepingStandingUp

But what if he works be better off home Ed but I'll never know because I haven't given him that chance

1. It has to work for the whole family. Especially you/the primary teaching parent. He won't thrive if you are struggling. Homeschooling is hard work - if the parent isn't on board and passionate, it's harder

1. No choice is perfect. You make a good choice and you do the best you can.

1. This doesn't have to be an all/nothing decision. Right now, school is working and is a good choice. If you want to make a different choice later, that's okay too.

If you look at the pros for your ds going to school right now, I would imagine they outweigh the cons. Apart from any scholastic learning, he is mixing with other children, school staff and learning to integrate in his own way.

School will never be perfect. But your ds will be made aware of the world outside his front door and still come home to the safe place where you all live.

These are all very important skills for your ds in adulthood and he may even meet life long friends at school. I remember a heart warming thread on here by a parent of a non verbal child being invited on their first play date. Children can be so much more accepting of differences than adults.

If you didn’t send your ds to school you would be taking a lot of this away from him and replacing it with a tired and frazzled mummy. You say people, who know you think you’d really enjoy home eding. These people don’t really know your reality and the stresses of being at home with your ds with additional needs.

Maybe one day there will come a time when the decision will be right to home Ed. Right now I would take the help you’ve been given and conserve your energy.

The thing is, he's still very young and has years and years for you to make different decisions. Sending him to school now doesn't mean he'll never be Home Educated, it simply means he isn't going to have HE yet. You might feel entirely differently once he reaches a certain age, you might decide the social and emotional skills he's learning at school vastly outweigh what you feel able to offer. Don't hold yourself up against others - you only ever see the surface.

DS13 has ASD and we knew this far before he started school. I teach so have had lots of people over the years ask if he'll be Home Educated and I've always said the same thing; while school works, we'll let it work, if it stopped working we'd look at alternatives. He's in Y8 now and whilst we've had difficult patches, I'm so glad we went him to school because they've taught him things I couldn't have dreamed of.

It's not selfish to want time to yourself, it's not selfish to need it, and even if it is selfish, so what? It's ok to be selfish, it's ok to think "what about me?". If you're not ready, that's ok. Your DS will change and evolve and you'll do the same. This decision is right for now.

Children are only at school for about 25% of their waking hours in a year. So don’t feel guilty. It will give you much needed respite and him a chance to enjoy some variety. And you will still have plenty of time with him.

If you were home educating, there's really no guarantee that you wouldn't feel terribly guilty when you read messages gushing about how well children are doing at school, how they're thriving in the social environment and loving the group activities etc.

There's always something to feel guilty about if you look for it!

OP as someone who chose to home educate my ds with complex medical history I would say YABU to feel guilty. We had a great time and my ds did well BUT it was not preparing him for life down the line and when I did want him to go to school I had to walk over hot coals to get him assessed for 1-2-1 assistance. When you electively home educate you go to the bottom of the pile for many referrals as you are not a priority. There were days when I fell asleep crying because I was so worried that my decision was going to prevent him from getting support and access to formal education. There were some ASD (just one of his issues) groups/schemes were a criteria was that you had to be in mainstream school, for example.

On a side note you should still be able to get DLA even if he is not on oxygen. The fact that he needs 1-2-1 or even additional support in school should be enough on its own, so please do reapply when the time comes.

If you were home educating, there's really no guarantee that you wouldn't feel terribly guilty when you read messages gushing about how well children are doing at school, how they're thriving in the social environment and loving the group activities etc.

Actually, this. 100%. I would.

I just asked DH if he thought we should home educate. He looked at me as if I'm crazy and said No, BabySleep loves school!!
I guess that's what matters.

Thanks kind peoe in my phone, just having a crazy mum wobble.

anne his 121 is for his o2 essentially although she's awesome at it all. He wouldn't get one just for his delays.

Gosh, I don't think you should feel guilty.
H.ed is a 24 hour job because you can't say it's after 3.30 I'm not answering your questions anymore.
We did it for 3 years, it was right for us, but isn't for everyone.
I would see how it goes and if he is fine at school there is no reason to H.ed, if he has too many problems then you know it's there as a last resort.