Friends blowing hot and cold

[Stephthegreat]

I have a lovely friend whose ds is very good friends with my ds.My ds recently started school so I haven’t seen as much of her as usual (she is a SAHM her son is a year younger than mine) but I always text and try to arrange to see them whenever we can.

She can be very full on when we meet with lots of promises and will send very lovely messages just after (it’s very gushing and kind).I always respond similarly because I do think she’s a great person but then there can be nothing for a few weeks.My ds was recently very ill and I’d text her saying how sick he’d been. She didn’t reply and my ds was then hospitalised which was stressful. I feel upset that I still haven’t heard from her and don’t really understand what’s going on.

In the past I’ve asked her about these things and she says oh I forgot to reply. AIBU to think this is a bit strange?

I've no idea how reasonable or not you are to think it's strange- probably reasonable- but I'm like your friend sometimes due to my MH condition and feel terrible about it. It's a dissociative thing, huge important things can slip my mind if I'm in a dissociative patch and I feel so guilty. I can be an awful friend because of it and I do gush & am thankful when things are good because I know how lucky I am they haven't dropped me for the times I space out and don't engage enough.

I totally understand that things might be busy and so she might not reply, I don’t understand why she wouldn’t just send a quick message knowing my ds was very ill though.

Yeah, for me it's not because I'm busy.

It's literally just MH related. I cannot remember very obvious, very important things when struggling with dissociation. I stop being busy because I forget all the things I'm meant to be busy doing.

I have no idea about your friends situation, she might be busy or just a dickhead I don't know- but I do forget to reply to things someone without DID would think were unforgettable and I do feel guilty about it. Is your friend close enough to have discussed mental health?

I think I'm a bit like this. I'm just so busy with the kids and running the house singlehandedly. Kids always seem to be ill and I get very little sleep. When things are going good I'm probably a really good friend, but maybe I disappear a bit when things are tough. People seem to think I manage everything really easily but really I struggle with it all. I have one friend that understands and one that will get in a huff with me.

Yes we are close,she’s never mentioned any MH issues, I think most of the time it doesn’t bother me so much that she doesn’t respond but because ds has been so ill I feel quite angry that she couldn’t even reply to my text even briefly.

I saw that she posted on Facebook to someone else and just thought it was a bit off.Had the shoe been on the other foot and I hadn’t replied to her message I think she would’ve taken the huff.

Maybe that's the difference. Everyone who matters in my life is at least vaguely aware that I have MH issues, and I don't get huffy about anything really...

Perhaps it's more the double standards that are such a problem?

And yeah I could totally envisage myself messaging someone else and totally forgetting something so important as that. I forgot check in with my friend for a couple of weeks after her mum died and still feel terrible years on. My brain forgets the biggest things because they cause an emotional response which gets wiped out. If you're finding it hurtful though there's no reason you have to be friends with this person, you could downgrade contact with them. Everyone has limits on what they can tolerate.

I don't think yabu but also you may be a bit like me & expect a bit too much when it comes to friendships? Lately I've had a word with myself and stopped getting over invested or over thinking things. I also stepped back from social media for the same reason.