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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To take this further?

15 replies

Jemmy365 · 22/11/2018 21:44

Hi everyone. I know ianbu for being furious but I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm full of a nasty head cold and pre menstrual so I might need a reality check.

The two ds's and I ( 11 and 12) do a martial art together in a group of about 10 of all ages. The usual tutor is on holiday, and the black belt leading the class is a fully qualified master to attends regularly.

One of the other students is a girl aged 11, but is in the school year between my two. She causes quite a bit of upset regularly but we all persist with her as we know she has not had the best of times at home.

From what we know, she has recently been adopted by her long term foster carer, so life can't have been easy for her in her early childhood. However, we have witnessed her slapping her adoptive mum round the face in the past, she has bragged that she was suspended from school/ put in a PRU in her first week of senior school for assaulting a teacher. There other examples of her behaviour but those are the most extreme.
Tonight, she was sparring with my eldest first. I need to point out that all our exercises are strictly no contact. We don't wear pads and have to keep our distance.
On two occasions she was pulled by the tutor for kicking my eldest d's. First in the head then in the stomach. He was not injured as he managed to dodge.
She then tried to kick him in the privates. Again he dodged so was not hurt.
The tutor stopped us all and sent her to the corner after speaking to her. She just responded with sulky silence.

The rest of us then carried on, and the tutor went over to speak to her about her behaviour, I don't know what was said exactly.

After a break, we swapped partners and she rejoined us, she was paired with my youngest. After a few seconds she again was making contact with her kicks and trying to kick him in the privates on purpose. He was not hurt but that's not the point.

At this point, the tutor, myself and the other black belt stopped the session, told her her behaviour was not acceptable and that she was welcome to leave if she called her parent to collect her.
She did not have a phone, and the number we have for the adoptive mum was not being answered.
She was excluded from the rest of the session, and sat on a chair drawing in pencil on a table. Several times she tried to disrupt the rest of the students.
As she wasn't getting the attention she wanted she then went to the toilets for 20 mins.
The male tutor asked me as the only female adult to go and check on her just in case.

When I did check on her she was fine, in a strop and pushed past me to rip the door out of my hands to storm out without speaking or responding.

I said to the tutor outside that i thought her behaviour is disgusting and that we do need to be treated like this by an 11 year old. I said this in her hearing but she did not acknowledge.
It was then the end of the session and we all packed up and went home. I was talking to the tutor about it and he said if it was his club she would not be welcome back.

So....
What do I do?
The usual tutor is back next week who knows this child much better than the stand in tutor and I do.

Do I speak to him?

Or do I just let it go as no one was hurt, this girl obviously has issues and getting her kicked out will do her no good as I think it might be one of the few positives in her life.
I don't want to be pearl clutchy but if it was a boy trying to kick two girls in the privates on purpose it would much more quickly be termed sexual assault.

I also need to point out that the club is run completely by volunteers. They are all insured, dbs checked and qualified, but none should have to deal with this crap when there's 10 other kids who want to learn.....

Thoughts? Grin

OP posts:
loverly · 22/11/2018 21:55

Difficult. I would probably mention it to the coach along the lines of 'my DC have the right to be safe' so please don't pair them again.

Unfortunately you might have to wait to see if she kicks off again when the coach is present to see a response.

Its a very difficult problem - but at the end of the day EVERY child has the right to be safe and not be hurt regardless of whether the aggressor is in care.

Knittedfairies · 22/11/2018 21:57

I would have thought that the stand-in tutor would be talking to the usual tutor and he’d mention her behaviour in that conversation. I would definitely be keeping an eye on the situation though. Hope you feel better soon!

Jemmy365 · 22/11/2018 22:01

Thanks loverly i think i will do that. Its then his decision whether she stays or not. I would lay money that the stand in tutor will have a chat also.
I strongly suspect she does this kind if thing because everyone she encounters pities her so she knows she can get away with bad behaviour.

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 22/11/2018 22:03

Yes, I'd speak to the usual tutor along the lines Knittedfairies suggested.
It's not the point that no-one was hurt - they easily could have been.

Mxyzptlk · 22/11/2018 22:04

Sorry, I meant suggested by loverly.

slkk · 22/11/2018 22:12

She’s suffering from developmental trauma which results in this kind of behaviour. It’s not as simple as she knows she can get away with it. She won’t be in control of her behaviour. She will be suffering from toxic shame and have an inner working model that tells her she is bad. It is very complex. You sound like you are supportive and caring. I would recommend d talking to the regular tutor. This child needs very firm boundaries and empathy when she cannot stay within them. Natural consequences of not being able to spar safely should be removal, as happened today, but should be done with empathy, not anger. Hopefully the tutor will talk to her parents s they will have the best insight into how to manage her. I hope you manage to keep her with you.

12christmassausages · 22/11/2018 22:26

Could you ask her parent to stay for future classes? She may have better techniques for calming her down or focusing her in a positive manner.

nikkylou · 22/11/2018 22:27

She doesn't sound like she's having the best of times with her home life.
Her behaviour isn't something that is acceptable, but her behaviour and actions outside of class aren't really the point. She could be an angel at school and a raging demon in your class, so it's how she behaves and is expected to behave in your class that counts.
Fortunately, no-one was hurt on this occasion.
And she was right to be excluded from continuing this session. Ideally her guardian should be tried until she answers to pick her up.
You should talk to the main tutor, but not with the view of getting her kicked out. More like "we were quite concerned about her behaviour, can we keep an eye?"
Also suggest that all members need to update their emergency contacts. What if this girl had been injured and her one contact was not reachable. You need to have 2 or ensure all are up to date, and are meant to be reachable at the time of the class.

Jemmy365 · 22/11/2018 22:28

Thank you slkk. I am trying my hardest to treat her with kindness but it is difficult when she is trying to hurt my children.

I work with children so have seen a range of behaviour but nothing so challenging as this girl.
I know that her adoptive mother is struggling with her so don't want to suggest she stays to supervise during the sessions as that might be her only respite.

I want to say here that at no point was she shouted at by any of us, or dealt with in anger, but she was told her behaviour was wrong and removed from the activity.

I'm going to speak to the usual tutor next week about what happened, and leave it to him to speak to her adoptive mother. He knows her and maybe can come up with a plan for the future.

OP posts:
Jemmy365 · 22/11/2018 22:29

Fully take the point nikkylou about updating details I will be raising this also.

OP posts:
slkk · 22/11/2018 22:34

To be honest, Jemmy, I’d rather stay with my son (who also has developmental trauma) if I knew he was struggling with a class. And if this is the best way of ensuring her safe participation, then this is what needs to happen. Her parents may think she is fine so it would be good for them to know what is happening.

slkk · 22/11/2018 22:37

Oh and I totally agree that it is not OK for her to hurt other children. This is where a firm boundary must be put in place and observed rigidly so that the first time she makes contact, she is ‘helped to be safer’. This may mean working with an adult, or with an adult close by, or with a parent in the room. It may mean having a break and trying again.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/11/2018 22:44

I would insist she gets banned from the classes. Her behaviour is completely unacceptable and shouldn't be tolerated regardless of what her issues are. She is purposely trying to hurt other children.

Jemmy365 · 22/11/2018 22:46

Ok everyone thanks for your posts, I think i see my way forward now.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 22/11/2018 23:07

Just to add that kicking someone in the privates is not usually classed as sexual assault (whether it's a male or a female victim), it's just straightforward assault.

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