To want to intervene?

[Toyah66]

OK so as succinctly as possible, my DC (almost 12) has a friend who has a history of being a bit thoughtless/verging on unkind. A couple of nights ago said friend was teasing DC about something trivial but this ended up with friend prodding DC repeatedly in the arm and stomach and repeating the thing that DC was being teased about over and over again, in front of all their other friends. DC was very upset and initally asked friend to stop but eventually, when it didn't stop, got cross with friend, pushed friend away and this resulted in friend saying "no wonder you don't have any friends if you treat people like that" (shoving people). DC was crying at the end of all this.

DC got over it by morning after some talking it through with me but apparently this morning, same friend asked two other friends to go somewhere with friend at the weekend, in front of DC. Last weekend, whilst the four of them were all together, friend planned this trip and at the time, they were all going. However, this morning, friend made it clear that it was only the other two who were invited and DC was not. Later in the day, friend was saying to DC what a busy weekend friend was going to have because there was this trip (that DC wasn't invited on) and another social event that DC wasn't invited on (differnt circle of friends, so perfectly fine with DC, except for the rubbing her nose in it!)

I really, really want to speak to the friend's mother about all this and let her know how her child is behaving but I know I can't and DC would be mortified if I did. I see this as a form of bullying and it has gone on for years with friend getting away with it over and over again! My DC has confidence issues and this really doesn't help. I know DC needs to learn to deal with this but it is really bugging me!!

Thanks if you got this far!! :)

You should be teaching your son that nobody has the right to treat him that way. While he’s 12 that means you won’t allow or facilitate any contact between them. He’s going to grow up thinking he deserves to be treated that way otherwise. Are there afterschool activities he could do to build his friend circle?

I do teach DC that nobody should be able to behave like that and get away with it. If it was me, I would have lots of things I'd say to make it clear that this "friend" was being mean and I wasn't going to put up with it but even though we've talked through how to handle it and what sort of thing to say, DC just clams up or gets angry which is then seen as DC being stroppy/unreasonable/aggressive. DC really can't win with this child but I'm at a loss as to what to do to help!

DC is building a circle of new friends gradually but this "friend" is always around at certain times of the day (before and after school basically, on the journey there and back) so DC can't avoid altogether, nor can I prevent contact.

This friend also sees themselves as a leader of the group of friends and if they don't feel like they are centre of attention, someone else gets it in the neck, usually DC!!

Organise a few special treats/trips yourself for the group and don't invite this person, but make sure he/she knows all about it. Then when they ask why, you can explàin that they are so mean to your DC that you don't consider them to be a friend.

Agree with @Singlenotsingle I've done similar to encourage other friendships & it can work. Organise a trip and maybe even invite some completely different people your DS likes, when asked I just did a "oh kids just have a varied friend pool at this age".

my DD has has issues similar, she has found that a pair of headphones works wonders on the trip to school and after school clubs that the 'friend' doesn't attend have really helped. She is finding new friends and doesn't make plans with the 'friend' any more