Respect - how important is it to you?

[HoHol]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable to expect respect? How many much do you value respect?

It seems to of played a big part in my life over the past 3-4 years. I struggle with not being treated respectfully. I think it was triggered by my mother in law who disrespected me in front of my children. My DH isn't always the nicest person. Then I had problems at work because I was being bullied by a colleague which wasn't actually resolved and now the team I work with is being treated disrespectfully by other teams. I just feel very pissed off by being treated unfairly. Is anyone else like this? Am I to sensitive? Should I be more relaxed about being walked all over?

Are you still married?

Sounds like you’ve had a bad run of luck at work

I'm the same, but, decades of conditioning that being anything but a doormat makes others angry, I find it difficult to deal with

One person's idea of 'respect' is being treated politely and fairly, another person's idea of respect is expecting everyone to fuss over them/adore them/treat them like the messiah

Assuming you are one of the former rather than the latter then YANBU

I think it depends on what you consider being treated disrespectfully; you name a couple of situations and it's hard to imagine the "disrespect" would take the same form in each case. Can you give examples?

If people are deliberately trying to belittle you to get at you, do you think it could be because they know it's something they can do that will upset you? Nasty people will use whatever tools will do the job. I think having high self-regard and having it known that other people putting you down has no impact on your self-esteem can make it a pointless thing for people to do, but that takes time to cultivate, and it sounds like you've had a rough time lately

Sounds like you feel an awful lot of different people in different situations ‘diss’ you. Hard to say if you’re being U or not.

I was the same. But I find that emulating the actions from people I perceive as being strong and powerful helps. I try to do one "brave" action a day during work (I'm generally ok in my everyday life). And by doing so it builds up my confidence and also makes other people less likely to fuck with me.

If someone says something unkind or nasty try and challenge them. Even if it is just by a look, or by " sorry, what did you say?"

Sadly respect is a 2 way street. And part of the bargain is that you don't allow others to disrespect you. Easier said than done, but that mentality is helping me at the moment. I've found recently that people can't intimidate/bully/disrespect me unless I allow them to. There's always room to put myself on higher ground or to dismiss the situation at hand.

Hope your situation improved for you OP. I totally understand where you're coming from - I've been there

Yes I'm still married. We have our ups and downs.

Sometimes I think I'm the only one who sees things that are happening or am the only person being treated like this but I find I'm not. Others seem to just handle it better than me. I don't understand how they do it. Pointing out issues hasn't helped, I just come across as moaning or causing problems. I wish others would speak up for a change. It's exhausting and very stressful.

If “ups and downs” is actually him being unkind to you, that could be at the heart of the problem.

Have you read up on assertiveness, eg books - Woman in Your Own Right? If not that might be useful.

Unless you’re the head of the work team, it’s not your responsibility to speak up every time - pick your battles, perhaps.

This word is barely in my vocabulary and I don’t understand people who think in terms of being respected. Sorry, I know that isn’t helpful.

I don’t tolerate any disrespect ever. But then I’m confident and can come across as quite aggressive (although I imagine if I were a man I would be called assertive...) I set the tone early when I meet new people and I call people out on their bullshit but I’m also very willing to apologise if I’ve misconstrued a situation. It’s all about communication. No one is a mind reader and so it is up to us to voice how we are feeling. If you feel uncomfortable—speak up. And it doesn’t have to be anything massively specific either. It’s actually fine to say to someone “I don’t feel comfortable with the way you are treating me” to open up a conversation. This is something that needs to be practised relentlessly until voicing how you feel becomes natural. It’s not easy but if you can manage to do it once you can keep doing it to build your confidence.