AIBU is this a red flag?

[thelittlesquidge]

So DD has been dating a lad for a short while now - she is a 2nd year uni student (20) and he is 23 (at the same uni, he is doing a phd) DD obviously likes him but some stuff she said about their conversation on their most recent date has rung alarm bells (btw she offered this up freely, I didn’t pry for information about her date!) She said they were talking about feminism at one point and he’d mentioned that he thought it was “sad” that women had been pushed into work over the years, and that for many women they would rather “prioritise work instead of having families” this makes me feel a bit uneasy. DD is a bright student at a top university, aiming to do her MA and PhD. Obviously I want her to be happy with whatever she does and how she lives her life but I’m worried that this boy might not have the same sort of outlook or intentions as my DD. I know I might be a little U to be worrying about what is a fairly new relationship as nothing may even come of it all, but obviously we all worry and tbh I thought it would be a worthy thread/discussion to have about red flags generally. So AIBU in thinking this is a bit odd for a young lad to say/think?

Doesn't sound like they have the same outlook on life. Slight alarm bells ring but wouldn't get involved for now.

Well unless you think your bright ambitious DD is such a weak type of person that she going to have all her plans for her own future overruled by a young man she's in a, probably, passing relationship with I really don't think you need to get over concerned about his views.

Having said that, the opinion he expressed hardly amounts to a view that women should be tied to the kitchen sink and kept bare foot and pregnant.

Did you ask her what her views on that opinion was?If she has already picked this up then find a way to chat about it.Its early days if he really believes this he will have other less palatable views so just keep communication channels open.

Won't anyone feel sad for the men who prioritise work instead of having families?

@pigs Having said that, the opinion he expressed hardly amounts to a view that women should be tied to the kitchen sink and kept bare foot and pregnant.

I think it's worse - by saying women have been "pushed" into careers he's suggesting being barefoot and pregnant is what deep down we really want!

OP your daughter sounds like she's got her head screwed on right - I don't think she'll let this idiot knock her off course.

Aibu??

I am new mum, my little boy is 7 weeks old. My ex partner and i split near the begining of my pregnancy but he attended the scans and appointments. He was due to take on the childcare of our child so i work shifts around his work schedule.

I went into labour and he was with me and was staying with me on the sofa bed. At 2am he left me in labour at my house and then ghosted me, completely ignored my calls and messages. I had no family or closw friends nearby so my family had to travel from 5 hrs away and i nearly ended up giving birth alone.

The day i came out of hospital i saw he had changed his profile pic to him, his two children from another relationship and his wife (from whom he has been separated from for nearly 5 years and is divorcing). Apparently her finding out, i was having a baby prompted her to give him another chance.

Since then his attitude to me and my baby has completely flipped. Hes being unreasonable with money, made me do an dna test before he would pay anything and only saw our baby on the day of the dna test.

He now refuses to contribute to childcare for when i go back to work despite him earning more than double what i do. The childcare for our son is over £1000per month for me to work full time and his maintenance contribution is 400 pcm.

So now i face having to quit my job, go part time, release the equity from my flat or move to be able to make the situation work as he refuses to care physically for our child or contribute financially. Is it me or is this grossly unfair?

@seventhgonickname We had a little talk but it was only down the phone, she is away at uni and busy so we only got to have a passing convo about it, I’m going to talk to her more in depth about it when she’s home for Christmas, but she thought it was a bit off too, but didn’t want to dismiss him as a dick just yet, iyswim?

He isn't totally wrong. SAHM is pretty much a privilege these days. Its not forced if you have a high flying career. But min-wage or zero hours jobs because the family wouldn't make it on one income is rather grim.

@Mummytonoah1 , you might want to start your own thread

@sossages I certainly hope she won’t! I’m sure that regardless of what happened with this lad or any other she would go and get her PhD etc, but I just worry as she’s very quiet and hasn’t really dated much until now, so it’s all very new for her and I don’t think she’s quite figured it all out yet (have any of us tbh! ) she can be quite quiet and even a little passive/submissive in that she doesn’t want to rock the boat or fall out with/displease people so I worry that she’s vulnerable to the wrong kind of type, if that makes sense. She can be so confident and “bolshy” in a myriad of ways but then so quiet and reserved in others! So confusing!

She sounds as if she will be alright.

they are only young. They're not getting married right now. Lots can change during uni years.

sossages. Is he? Maybe. His opinions just sound a bit ill formed rather than sinister to me.

Whatever the case the OP's DD doesn't sound like the sort of young woman to be overly influenced by that sort of nonsense. She sounds like someone who has already got her path mapped out and her head screwed on.

In OP's place I certainly wouldn't be panicking about it.

Sounds like his parents talking rather than his own opinion. Maybe ask her how she responded?

Maybe his parents have those views, once upon a time women did tend to stay at home with the children, and i agree with him, that women are being pushed into work too early while children are babies ,by this Government, and also not many women can afford to be sahm now

I guess it depends on context and what he actipually said.

If he felt that women should be a 1950s housewife that’s wrong.

He felt that women shouldn’t be working, that’s wrong.

If he said women shouldn’t be a mother and able to work, then that’s wrong.

However, he may feel that some mothers feel,they ought to be working whilst actually they prefer to fe sahm, which is obviously sad. Also, he may feel it’s sad if mothers have to go back to work due to finances.He may also think it’s sad for those women who have a long careers and then leave it too late to have children.

No not a red flag, but different outlooks, they are still young, it may not last.

I’m 22. I wouldn’t look too deeply into their relationship as chances are it won’t last long (it’s just a fact of life at our age!). If they fundamentally clash like this, they won’t be together forever and both of them can easily move on. In fact, as she’s telling you all this she probably has doubts about him herself, so she may be mentally in the process of ending things.