AIBU? Indirect invites...

[Lua08]

Hello my wife & I are having an argument and I would love some 3rd party opinions. I will try and be as unbiased as possible putting across the facts!

My Aunt is having a Boxing Day lunch this Christmas which my Mum and some other family members are going to. My Mum called me and said that we (me, my wife and our 2 kids) have been invited by my Aunt. Everyone else was invited a month or two ago.

My Wife thinks if you want to invite someone, you do it properly - i.e. my Aunt could have called us directly rather than via my Mum. We are aware my Aunt probably isn't too desperate for us to be there, not that it's a problem - just she probably only invited us as my Mum asked her to since we never really have anything to do with her otherwise.

Do you think this is an acceptable invitation? Or is it rude? I think it's not perfect but it's ok and we should go. My wife is not happy and says why should we go to a place where they don't even want to invite us properly.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this (silly) matter.

For that sort of thing, no problem to invite via someone else. It’s not a wedding.

Seems like your family are an after thought or as you said your mum asked for you to be invited. I personally wouldn't want to go for the above reason as they probably don't want you there.

Not a problem with that invite

How easy are you to get hold of by phone. I would just assume the aunt is a bit pressed for time but would like to see you.

It prob depends on the family, I'd prob ask one person to pass it on to their direct family, but does that normally happen with your lot.
Did your mum forget to pass it on it has she had to ask aunt?

Your wife is behaving very oddly.

I have exactly the same type of invitation from my aunt for Boxing Day, via my Dad. It’s quite normal.

If you doubt that she actually wants you pick up the phone and check. Otherwise either accept or decline but don’t be so precious.

It’s a family get together not a formal function.

Is this a drip feed? Why don't you have much to do with your aunt?

If it's just because you don't get time to see her much or some other innocuous reason then it's perfectly acceptable invite for a Boxing Day lunch. Relatives do this all the time.

We are often invited to things via my husband's parents.

Your wife needs to get over herself!

Unless if course there is more to this!....

Not a problem in this situation. It’s a family lunch not a wedding - casual invites are fine, invites via other family are fine. Your wife is being a bit stroppy imo.

I wouldn't go personally. It's happened to me before...my mum 'invited' me, my then husband and my children to my brother's house for New Years Day, saying 'everyone is invited, it's a buffet'. We turn up (having driven 80 miles!) and my DB had NO idea we were coming, having only cooked enough roast beef etc for his own family of 4 plus my mum 🤦‍♀️. Definitely not enough food for 5 more people! So embarrassing. So no, I'd not go unless explicitly invited 🤷‍♀️

This was in the days before FB/mobiles etc, so instant communication wasn't a thing. I simply took the invite at face value...thinking my DB was scrimping on the cost of multiple phone calls 😂

I think your DW probably doesn't want to go and is using any excuse! If I wanted to go, this type of invitation wouldn't stop me at all. As others have said, it's only lunch not a wedding!

I think you were an afterthought, I might not want to go for that reason. But I don't think there is anything wrong with the invite. (I also think your wife is looking for a reason not to go).

If my Aunt invited 'us' to hers she would speak to my dad (her brother) and my parents would pass the invite on to me and my partner. Totally normal.

Northern you didn’t call your DB and offer to contribute something to the buffet?

Yep. That’s how our family works as well. Totally normal. Especially if you don’t see much of her, she probably wanted to invite you but felt more comfortable doing it via your mum. Your DW IBU

Thank you for the responses, it's really helpful. Perhaps the posts about making an 'excuse' might be on to something I suppose.

I had no intention of doing a drip feed post, but you did make me think about the context.

In summary we recently had a mid-size/large fall out with my sister (who will be there) who now won't visit our house, and as such my Mum won't visit us on Christmas Day as she says she needs to stay with my sister (as sister is single and depressed) and they live a 4hr round trip away. As such only reason I'm wanting to go to the Boxing Day lunch is to see my Mum and take my kids to see their Granny at Christmas.

Initially my wife said she really doesn't want to see my sister, but will go for my sake to the lunch. Then she thought about it some more and said she doesn't think we should go because of the way the invite was made and it's obvious they don't really want us there and it's all just my Mum anyway, so what's the point - leading to us arguing as per the first post. The first post is the only argument we've had though.

In general we get on pretty well with my Mum and she generally is good with us, the only issue really is she always will take my sister's side in any dispute - which gets my wife pretty annoyed. My Mum is coming to babysit for a full day & night next month though.

I think it’s quite normal for family things to be invited like that to be fair.

I think maybe your wife is making a bigger deal abouf this thabmn is needed because she doesn't want to go. I think it's normal to be invited in this way. If my aunt invited ne it would be via my mum.

I took a huge trifle (it's my 'signature' family buffet dish...I have 5 siblings and we all have one, I do puddings! My mum had told me to 'bring your trifle'!) I'd also taken a Christmas 'Yule Log' and a crate of beer...none of which was adequate food for my family of 5, unfortunately 🤦‍♀️ We are a close family, hence me not really questioning the invite, and it wasn't a 'real' problem and we laughed (after filling up on cheese on toast!), but still, my BLOODY mother!!! Still no idea why she thought she was supposed to invite us to a 'buffet' 🤷‍♀️. She hadn't asked any of the others! It remains a family mystery 🤣

it's all just my Mum anyway, so what's the point

Because she’s your Mum, and she’s good to you and helps you out.

You can go and behave like adults for a few hours for the sake of your Mum surely.

Still no idea why she thought she was supposed to invite us to a 'buffet' 🤷‍♀️. She hadn't asked any of the others! It remains a family mystery 🤣

She likes you (and your trifle) best obviously Northern!

That's what my kids said 😂😂