To want their life

[busybrown]

I'm going to apologise first for this as it will seem really self indulgent. DS has just been away for a couple of days with his Dad. (We aren't together) He just won't stop talking about what an amazing time he's had, how brilliant his dad is etc etc.
it's really making me think how much happier I'd be if I was with him. His lifestyle looks effortless, nice home, good career, fit and active lifestyle, plenty of disposable cash. Where as I'm here really struggling, money just seems to come and go, I've started my own business but can't seem to make it work, we are going backwards, I'm nearly 50 and don't own a home. AIBU to just wish I had that existence, not to have to worry and just to live your life. Sorry for being indulgent just in a rut.

Yes. But he doesn't see his son most of the time.

How often does your boy spend good quality time with him? As in njndane day in day out time. Not superDad weekends away?

Dad gets to have this effortless lifestyle because he's not having to take his kid to school.... Make a packed lunch... Take him to the dentist... Make him tidy his room... Send him out to get the bins in... He's not having unexpected heart to hearts whilst you chop carrots for tea... He's not getting to giggle like a loon when you guys spot something stupid that makes you both ache with laughter.... He doesn't get to complain at his boy about how he hasn't done his homework...

I'd choose my boy over the "effortless" lifestyle.

Well it's easy to have more cash and focus on yourself when you don't have your child all the time. I'm presuming that you are the primary carer and there is some kind of EOW weekend/hol arrangement? You get to spend more time with your child. Although he's wowed by the recent holiday when DC grows up I bet he remembers the simple things you did together with the most fondness.

Of course I know that getting him all the time is much better than the eow arrangement that he has. I just would love to be a proper family. Do the family holidays, have a husband and parent a child together. I'll just never have that and it's sad. I feel like he took that opportunity away from me and that his wife has the lifestyle I should have. The nice house, holidays and clothes. While I'm struggling to make it from one pay to the next.

Don't waste your energy on jealousy. Instead think about what you want from your life and how you can create that yourself. You are a proper family even if there are just 2 of you. When DD was born and in special care people would tell us that they couldn't wait for her to be home so that we could be a 'proper family'. I used to go mad and tell them that from the minute she was born we were a proper family whether it was just me and her in our tiny hospital room or me, her and DH. Do you think perhaps you're ready to start dating if you haven't been already?

You can’t live your life comparing yourselves to others. You see filtered version of their life, it’s not “real” what you see.

Your ex might be thinking, “oh I wish I had the guts to start my own business.. busybrown must love being her own boss... I bet DS is really proud to have a mum that works hard.... I wish I had that...”

Look at everything you DO have, not want you don’t.
Today’s a perfect day to reflect on everything you are thankful of in your life!

I get why you feel that way BUT appearances can be deceptive. It is easy to think someone else’s life is perfect but in reality it may be very different. Your ex’a Life won’t be perfect either.

But I know he has a better lifestyle, I'm stressing about how to pay for the birthday gifts I've just bought DS - let alone how I can pay for Christmas. DS said something that makes me think they are trying for a baby, or pregnant and then they'll have their perfect family. I've never had that, he'll never have memories of a perfect family Christmas nor will I ever have a husband who will do anything for me. It's just really sad ....

OP, I’m so sorry to read you post but I think you should go easy on yourself. You have your son which is the most important thing and what he will remember in the long run. He’s only talking about his dad because if the novelty factor.
Also, of course there is time for you to meet someone else! People do all kinds of things approaching 50. I’m not far behind you and I’m retraining for a new career after over a decade out the workplace. Don’t write yourself off!
Could you try and access some free counselling via the NHS. Sometimes it can be a watershed in working out what you want from the next half of your life. 50 is difficult for all women, I think, regardless of circumstances.
Did you ex leave you for this woman? I can see how hurtful this must be if so, but remember there are no guarantees in life for anyone.

No we were never a couple, which I find extremely hard. What is it she has that I don't. He would never entertain the idea as a relationship with me. But did it all with her

If you chose to have a baby with someone with whom you didn't have a relationship, you must have been able to predict that this would be your life to an extent.

I've posted on all your threads now.

The way you describe your life compared to your ex's life sounds very similar to mine. But I view it slightly differently to you.

We were married but it didn't work because I wasn't being the sort of woman he wanted - I'm not interested in 'nice homes'; expensive cars; enviable lifestyles - it just doesn't interest me. But I obviously see that they have all that and I don't. As can my children.

The previous posters are right. You need to think about what you want for you; for your life.

What hobbies do you have? What do you do when your son is at his dad's? What 'self care' do you practise? What are the positives in your life? What things would you like to change? How can you make them change?

And there's absolutely no point in thinking, "if I were with him then..." because you have never been in a relationship with him. You have no idea what it would be like.

You will have a proper family Christmas with your son.

Imagine if your son went to live with his Dad. How would you feel then? Think of what you have, and appreciate it and make the most of it.

Also think of what you don't have: someone getting moody, complaining about your mess, spending, weight, clothes. Expecting you to go out with them and their mates it drinking or to some awful sport. Or finding fault with you. Or winding you up. Or refusing to go out and sulking and picking arguments if you insist.

Be thankful for what you have got. Appreciate it and make it even better!

Things are never as they seem.
I bet they have their issues like everyone else.
The grass is not always greener

You aren't missing out on that life because you chose to have a child with a man who - by the sounds of it, just wanted a shag.

Comparison is the theif of joy.

Pay this man and their life no mind. It will do zero to help you achieve what you want.

Look at what you DO have. Not what you don't.

I understand your pain op. You want a relationship. A husband. To give your son a family and have family days out. Holidays. To have someone who will help to shoulder the burden. I am a lone parent and I feel the same.
No real advice to give. You feel how you feel. You are allowed to wallow every now and again. Be easy on yourself. Sending you hugs and strength. Xx

I can really empathise with you OP. My youngest son and I live as a single unit (husband lives separately) and I sometimes (often) fantasise about how 'different' life would be for my son if only I had: more disposable income, a really nice home that could also provide security for the future, was not so bogged down with work (mostly self employed) that simply pays the bills; had a host of really good friends who could provide opportunities for my son and so on.

However, my son lives with me and we love each other deeply. I can give him the emotional security and practical advice that will enable him to go ahead in the world. My son knows that people work hard to just get by and that life is not handed to us on a plate.

I can see a time in the near future when my son, through his own efforts and my support, will be earning enough to pay his way in the world and i know that my financial situation will get better and I will be able to indulge my son (and his brother who does not live with us) in small, but meaningful ways.

I am in my late fifties and my youngest is 17. He admires and respects me because i am there for him and support him any way that I can. I admire and respect him because, although he wishes we had a bit more money, never once has he wished he had another Mum.