To be struggling with best friend's morals

[incendio]

Sorry if this is really long I just don't want to drip feed info.

So my bf and I have been close since primary school and are like family. About a week and a half ago she split with her DP of 6+ years. I had seen it coming as they weren't spending much time together, were arguing a lot and didn't seem to be making any plans for the future despite being together for years. But I was surprised one of them finally had that balls to do it, tbh.

This weekend she asked to see me again and confided that the real reason was that she is in love with one of her colleagues in her new job which she's been in since the end of the summer and the feeling is mutual. Apparently nothing had happened prior to her split with DP and out of the blue her colleague asked if she split with DP because of him she admitted yes and they spent all weekend discussing their feelings over text.

Now the thing that really gets me is that her colleague has a long term gf. So he's been discussing his love for my friend while his poor gf is oblivious. I asked if anything had happened between them and she said no apart from the discussion. But I just don't believe that? I don't see how anyone could be so bold as to ask a colleague if the end of their relationship was because of them without something already happening between them?!

About a month ago she went on a night out with the colleague and some of his friends from uni and in the lead up to it she mentioned it to me quite a few times but now looking back I realise she never mentioned it after the fact. Which is unusual as she would normally give me a ring to let me know how she got on especially as it was a new group of friends. Now I'm thinking something must have happened on the night out which is why she suddenly went quiet about it?

I also think there must be something more to the story because she didn't tell me she liked this guy before now which is so strange as we have always told each other everything.

My problem is now I feel very suspicious of her as I'm sure she isn't being truthful and that they've been carrying on behind their DP's backs. I truly don't condone cheating I think it's an awful thing to do and even if truly nothing bar the conversation has happened I still feel uneasy that she's entertaining this guy while he still has a gf. Surely on his part they're beginning an emotional affair?

If it was anyone else I'd just draw back and mind my business but as we're so close she keeps phoning and texting me asking for advice and wanting to chat about the situation and I feel so uncomfortable with it all. I can't stop thinking about his gf. I'm also wondering what kind of person my bf is now.

This summer I found out my long term partner had been cheating on me and my bf was my rock throughout that time. She cried with me when I found out, helped me pack his stuff and enthusiastically ranted with me about both him and the OW so she's seen first hand what being cheated on can do to a person and now she's taking part in it herself. Regardless of if something physical has happened I'm sure their conversation would be enough to devastate his gf.

My question is AIBU to be so disgusted by the situation? And what would you do if you were me? I don't want to lose a friend but the longer this goes on the more my opinion of her will lower and I definitely don't want to come across as supportive of the whole thing either. I would never judge someone for their feelings, that can't be helped but I definitely do judge acting on those feelings when one of you has a partner.

That's a tough one - on one hand she's been so supportive of you but on the other seems to have actually pretty badly to her DP. That's hard on you. As you are so close I think I'd try to continue the friendship but try and distance myself from the drama of her new relationship. Perhaps don't be so available, don't reply so quickly, change the topic of conversation to something else etc. I am sure others will tell you to be stricter but I can see your dilemma!

Didn't want to read and run but also know how your feeling. I was cheated on several and my best friend supported me through this. She recently also has been having an affair with a married man as well as cheating on her partner. I've found all this out recently and initially been trying to be support as I know sometimes you can't help your feelings but now finding it hard to listen and give advice. But ive decided that I still enjoy her company and I've told her clearly what they've done is wrong and aspects of where she asks for advice I've been blunt and made them both see how their ex partners feel after the affair came out. Recently I've been less engaged about giving advice and distancing myself/trying to move convo away and onto normal friendship stuff.

It's so hard when it goes against your morals. I think only you will know deep down if you can maintain friendship.

Oh get over yourself!

Just tell her

You love her but are morally challenged by her behaviour as you know the hurt

You are always her mate but ....

I agree that you're not in a position to judge people for their feelings. Who knows what is going on with the guy and his girlfriend: a lot goes on behind closed doors and you don't know what their relationship is like. In that sense, there's not really a lot to judge without knowing the situation fully, which you don't (I assume?). I am not condoning cheating, but sometimes things are not straightforward. (I say that as someone who has wrongly judged in the past)

That said, you're clearly not comfortable with giving your friend constant advice, and should step back because of that. You could even couch it under the guise of you're still getting your head around breaking up with your own DP and you don't know if you're the best person to give advice on an issue so close to home. She might get the message.

She’s obviously going through something quite complicated so I think you’ve just got to be her friend whilst she goes through it. If she really has feelings for this new guy and the feelings are mutual he will break up with his girlfriend. I wouldn’t get too involved if I were you as it sounds complicated and you don’t know all the details

Thanks to all who have given advice! I'll see how it goes and if it gets too much I'll just let her know I'm finding it difficult to give impartial advice because of what happened to me but that I just want the best for her.

Oh get over yourself

This

We don't always agree with what our friends do.. If you can't get over it then don't be her friend, personally I don't think it's any reason to stop being friends with someone especially one that has been supportive to you. Life is complicated sometimes

I know what you mean op. They might have strong feelings but they shouldnt have cheated. I am always a bit wary of such people xx

I lost my best friend due to this a few years ago. Her and her now husband were each cheating on their partners at the time. I made it very clear what I thought about it and she didn't take well to it. We never actually had a falling out, just drifted apart.
After she dumped the boyfriend she was laughing with a mutual friend about how pathetic he was texting her when she wasnt interested. During this conversation she began discussing another girl we knew who was very overweight (turned out to be pregnant) and was pretty nasty and I remember sitting thinking "I really really have no interest in being your friend anymore".

You're way too invested in this

Just wanted to come on and say it is very easily done without anything having happened between them. It can be obvious when two people have a connection or attraction so I can see why he asked the question. So it may be the beginning of an emotional affair but I wouldn’t judge your friend so harshly. You’re projecting your feelings on to the situation which isn’t fair.

I would just say try not to fall out with her even though you don't like what she's doing. At the end of it your friendship has lasted longer than any of your relationships. My mum and her sister fell out for about 30 years over disapproval about this kind of thing and now they bitterly regret all the time lost because they were fixated on morals.

I'm in the "get over yourself" camp also.

@naicepineapple just because I'm being asked my opinions on the situation and told about it daily, it's hard not to feel invested.

It's none of your business, she tells you nothing happened until after she split with DP, your own experience makes you disbelieve it. What her colleague is doing with his relationship is so far removed from your business it's incredible. What you do have the right to say is, given what happened to me recently I just find it hard to listen to when I know he is still in a relationship and his gf is in the same boat I was, I support you and will be here for you like you were for me, but I can't keep talking about the ins and outs

You dont know anyone cheated op.

Just wanted to come on and say it is very easily done without anything having happened between them. It can be obvious when two people have a connection or attraction so I can see why he asked the question. So it may be the beginning of an emotional affair but I wouldn’t judge your friend so harshly. You’re projecting your feelings on to the situation which isn’t fair.

Completely agree with this. And, if your friend is telling the truth, I don't think she's done much wrong. The guy is perhaps starting an emotional affair, yes. But she isn't; she's single. Her colleague's behaviour is all on him.

And, if they want to be together and he decides to break up with his gf, I don't think that's so awful either. People don't generally get together for life anymore.

Nothing to do with you or your friendship. I think you are pissed off cause she didnt confide in you and you are pretending its about morality. Just let her get on with it.

Your break up is still raw, while she was consoling you she was secretly falling for him which is uncomfortable and awkward. She is being insensitive to share all her details with you and not realise how this may make you feel. She is very wrapped up in her new love life and being thoughtless to your broken heart. The extent to which you fall out with her will depend on how much you value the friendship over woman-solidarity- morals
Personally I would have to ( gently) let her know how I was feeling and evaluate the friendship based on her reaction to my feelings

Just keep being a friend - listen, don't judge or speculate so much. If there's anything she's not told you maybe she's ashamed knowing what you've been through. Maybe she's worried you'll judge her (she'd be right - you've already started judging it seems). It sounds like the break-up of her relationship was a long time coming so does it really matter what is happening with this other new person? It's not like she wants to keep seeing her ex at the same time. You don't need to know everything that goes on in your friend's head. I'd just be happy she's been there for you with support and you can do the same now.

Thanks for the advice everyone!

I think you're all right in that it's touched a nerve over what happened to me earlier in the year and that's why it's affecting me so deeply! I'll have a word with her and let her know that hearing all the tiny details is upsetting me, I think she'll understand.

And @manicinsomniac I don't see anything wrong with them getting together when they're both single! It's the fact he has a gf and they're already talking romantically that's getting to me but as I said I think it's just hit too close to home for me so I'm empathising too much with his gf.

I think if she has gone further with this man she quite rightly does not want to admit it to you under the circumstances.

It sounds like her relationship with her ex was just dragging on and maybe it is the same for the man she likes. What she is doing is wrong but understandable.

just say you dnt feel comforatable and its bringing back memories of what happened with your ex