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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother in law telling all the family our news without asking us first......

26 replies

muppetgirl · 21/06/2007 11:14

I phoned my mil yesterday as had scan and told her about our second baby being a boy and we have decided on a name. She then phoned me back an hour later to tell me that she had told my hubbies' sisters and that they thought the name was 'cool'
If this was a first time then i could understand the slip but when we got enagaged she told the sisters before we could and even told them I would like them to be bridesmaids!!!!!
With DS number 1 she told the family that he was a boy and when he was due etc.
Hubbie was v. annoyed but never tells her not to.
Am I being unreasonable to want to tell his family in our own time/way???

OP posts:
mumto3girls · 21/06/2007 11:16

YNBU but you shouldn't tell her anything in future that you don't want her to spread, or at least give her strict instructions not to!!!
What did you say to her when she said she had passed on the news?
Congrats btw.

Chirpygirl · 21/06/2007 11:19

YANBU but she may have thought she was doing you a favour. My MIL did exactly the same when we got PG with DD and when I asked her why as I wanted to tell people she said that she thought it would save me having to tell everyone.
I was still a bit peeved but asked her not to in future and she hasn't, she genuinely thought she was helping!
Next time you tell her anything make sure you say 'Don't tell anyone as we want to' and hopefully she won't.

dressedupnowheretogo · 21/06/2007 11:22

not at all my mum did this too us time and time again

bless they are excited but i still gave her ear a good bashing i tell you

Original poster
muppetgirl · 21/06/2007 11:24

I was so annoyed AGAIN that i really didn't say anything. If you disagree with her or challenge her she then doesn't speak to you for weeks (which, actually isn't a bad thing at all!)
We have a long history of her stirring from everything from our wedding to ds's christening to post natal depression (I had, she was unsypathetic) to us putting ds in nursery at 3 months (to save my sanity) to which she said she was 'disgusted' by us. I can't forget but hubbie doesn't like confronting her. I expected him (and told him) to ring her but he didn't and I knew she would ring us and she asked the questions and I should have said I didn't know or something like that.

OP posts:
littlelapin · 21/06/2007 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HonoriaGlossop · 21/06/2007 11:27

weeeeell, do you think you may have missed a chance here to learn from her previous history

I wouldn't have told her, personally. It was totally on the cards, given what she has blabbed in the past, that she was going to do this. So I'm afraid that on this occasion the court of Honoria judges that YABU.

Original poster
muppetgirl · 21/06/2007 11:31

You are true. I was stupid! I'm just fed up with hubbie not ringing her to tell her things as then she rings and compalins that she doesn't know and isn't included. We live 'down south' and they live 'up north' and don't visit more than once a year and therefore she is jealous about not seeing ds 1 although my dad is near us and i have a really close relationship with my best friends mum which mil really hates.

Sorry, just realsied this has turned into a rant about mil jsut soooooo frustrated and fed up.

OP posts:
MissGolightly · 21/06/2007 11:35

If you didn't tell her to keep it a secret then sorry but I think YABU. How was she supposed to know that you didn't want her to tell her kids?

Of course if you asked her to keep it confidential or specifically told her you wanted the chance to tell people in your own time then YANBU and she is a cow.

Blu · 21/06/2007 11:36

This is the 3rd time this has happened, and yet you still tell her things first? Or tell her first without, as part of the convo, asking her to keep it a secret as you want to be able to spread the news yourself?

YANBU, but you could learn faster!

MissGolightly · 21/06/2007 11:37

reading whole threads she does sound like a bit of a nightmare - especially about the nursery !!! But to me this paticular instance sounds like she wasn't trying to be evil - she probably thought she was doing you a favour by passing on your happy news.

Katy44 · 21/06/2007 11:39

I think you need to say something in future - in our family, this is how news gets passed around, on the grapevine - maybe that's how she does things and doesn't realise it's wrong.

purpleduck · 21/06/2007 11:39

I don't think it was right for her to do that, but if nobody tells her differently, how is she to know? Plus, she is probably living vicariously through you, and really this is a small pleasure for her to tell her daughters. But also agree that you shouldn't tell her anything anymore!!!

bozza · 21/06/2007 11:42

agree with blu and missgolightly. Actually my SIL told us she was pg at 5 and 1/2 weeks, but we have kept quiet because we are unsure whether she was just telling close family or whether it was public knowledge. But your MIL is obviously not such a person. Actually neither is my MIL so DH and I are probably wasting our time. I have lost count of the number of times we have been told about a pg (DH's cousins etc) but told to pretend we don't know.

WigWamBam · 21/06/2007 11:44

If you didn't tell her to keep quiet then you're being unreasonable. She's not a mind-reader; if you've never told her that you don't want her telling them, how is she to know? She was probably excited about your news and couldn't wait to tell her family because of that, not because she wanted to steal your thunder.

The answer is either to stop telling her these things, or get your husband (it's his mother, after all) to tell her that you don't want them talked about.

Original poster
muppetgirl · 21/06/2007 11:44

You are all right of course. I think i need to take the bull, or mil in this instance, by the horns and just say to her when i don't want our news spread. I just thought, stupidly, when my brother was expecting I didn't tell my dad or other brother as i knew it was his news to tell when he wanted. Gossip is one thing but these life changing bits of news are quite another matter...
I suppose it's just the differences between families. But you are all right
-keep my mouth shut!

OP posts:
bozza · 21/06/2007 11:46

Just tell her but say something like "would you mind keeping quiet about this for the time being, we would really like to tell X ourselves/we don't want others to know yet". This might get her onside thinking you are confiding in her. If she lets you down still, then you know what to do next.

Katy44 · 21/06/2007 11:51

Normally when I tell my mum news (eg I'm pregnant, it's a boy etc), I get a text from my aunt 5 mins after I come off the phone, and then from my cousins about an hour later! Just different ways of working I suppose
I would be upset if someone told my parents before me though so I can see where you're coming from. I'd also be upset if new crossed families- e.g. mum telling PILs.

Gobbledigook · 21/06/2007 11:55

Why do you tell her then?

Dh and I never tell MIL we don't want everyone else to know as she can't keep it to herself.

LazyLine · 21/06/2007 12:00

An easy way round it is to just tell her last.....

milkchocolateStarryStarryNight · 21/06/2007 12:03

My aunt is like that, we call her our very own news correspondent. My mum never tells her anything, unless she wants it spread, but they are still the best of friends, that is just how my aunt is, she cant keep anything to herself.

My sister is a little like that too, and I am very selective about what I am telling her. It is not a point trying to tell her NOT to tell, her opinion is the following:
"It is not your decision what I do with information you have passed on to me. I decide who I tell as you cannot decide over me". Fair enough. Love her to bits though, I have accepted this is who she is.

As for your MIL, try telling her to keep things confidential in the future, if that does not work, then you can say to her, but you cant keep a confidence, and that is why I am not telling you.

MissGolightly · 21/06/2007 21:51

agree with Bozza - don't make it a big "bull by the horns" issue.

Next time tell her your secret but say in your sweetest best daughter-in-law voice "we wanted you to know of course, but we are keeping it quiet at the moment so please don't tell anyone else until we give you the word" - she will probably love the idea that you are confiding in her and that she is "in" on the secret. Then a week later, when you have told the other people you care about, ring her and say "it's open season, thanks for being so wonderful and keeping our secret".

however if she STILL tells people THEN you have the right to get shirty.

Spandex · 21/06/2007 22:28

You told her about DS1 and she blabbed. So you told her about DS2 pregnancy and you're surprised and annoyed she blabbed? I don't really understand why you're annoyed when you know fine well what she's like.

Next time don't tell her or anyone until you want the world to know. Then you won't have to get annoyed. Easypeasy!

Moorhen · 22/06/2007 23:14

My DH phoned MIL to tell her we were expecting our first DC just after Christmas (due in 3 wks now). And then she went and told the WHOLE family. We found out AFTER driving 200 miles to visit them, which felt a bit pointless.

I know she just assumed it was OK to tell, so am not holding it against her - but do wish I'd got to make my announcement. She'd already got to do it seven times for herself...

YANBU, but if she's not going to change then you need to keep it in mind. If there's a next time for us, I will make sure DH specifies whether the info is classified or not!

RedFraggle · 23/06/2007 14:36

Just don't tell her anything until you are ready to tell everyone else too in future. My MIL did this when we told her I was pregnant with our first. We explicitly told her not to tell anyone as it was early days and I was worried in case something went wrong. We went for a visit soon after and discovered that she had told EVERYONE. We learnt from that experience and don't tell her anything now. With baby two I made DH wait until I was ready before he told his family - they just haven't a clue about keeping quiet!

Of course you could have a laugh at her expense... [evil smile] Tell her you've had to go in for a repeat scan and they had the sex wrong last time, it is a girl - then think up a dreadful name and tell her that is what you are going to call her. See how long before the news comes back to you. You could even place bets with DP...

Groovee · 23/06/2007 15:59

Dh's grandad told everyone I was pregnant before we were ready. It meant a lot of our friends knew before we told them. We then found it easier not to tell him anything.