Surrogacy, pregnancy... what to do?

[jamjamjam1]

Posting here for a few more opinions and to a degree I don't know if I've been reasonable enough.

I have four kids- the youngest is 2. I'm 32, my sister and her husband have been unable to have children and have been trying for 6 years, they are genuinely at breaking point and the most amazing auntie/uncle to my kids.

My sister told me they are going to go down the route of getting a surrogate but need to save some more money first - they already have embryos.

I've spoken to my husband about volunteering to be there surrogate and he said he wouldn't mind.

I'm just wondering if there is anything people think I should consider before taking this step - as I know I probably haven't done enough googling on the subject already.

I don’t have any advice but just to say what a lovely, selfless act you are doing for your sister.

You have to weigh the benefits vs the risks. Any pregnancy can come with very serious health issues, even if you've had several normal previous pregnancies. Is this something you're willing to risk given you have your own children to consider? If you are comfortable with going ahead, then do it.

You are amazing to even be considering this, bear in mind the impact it could have on your own children and income, if you're working, all pregnancies are different so even if your others have been easy the next might not, you might come to an agreement where your sister makes up the difference between SMP and your usual salary for example, or helps out with childcare/running your DCs around as you get further in if you do go ahead.

Agree re assessing the benefits v risks. It's also important to consider your mental health in addition to the physical risks. Maybe counselling would be a good idea first? Also don't be pressured by the narrative of it being a 'lovely, selfless' thing to do. It is fine to say no.

I think it would be a lovely thing to do, you already sound close to them both as you mention how good an auntie and uncle they are. Although it will be incredibly hard to hand over the little boy or girl you have carried you will always have an active part in their life.

I am pro-surrogacy but I think you have to be so careful when it’s family. Could you keep the lines from being blurred? Could you be auntie not Mum? I’m not saying don’ do it, but think about it long and hard first.

I’ve made a similar offer (not taken up-yet). The reason why I offered was that I didn’t have any complications arising from pregnancy and birth and it’s not letting me it could destroy my body any more that my first two so I didn’t see any reason not to. But if I had previously suffered complications or was a lot older/developed a health condition it would have been unreasonable (in light of the children I already have and am responsible for) to offer. You have to have a good think about what the chances of something going wrong are.

Also consider how emotionally diciplined you are. Many people wouldn’t be able to keep the appropriate emotional distance from the child. I only offered when I was set against having anymore children because I worried that otherwise I would think of it as mine (offered to use my own eggs). Also discuss beforehand what would happen if screenings showed up a disability/you developed a condition during pregnancy/more than one embryo took/they split up. It’s one thing to get pregnant but it’s another to stay pregnant when issues arise.

There is also the potential for increased risk with a 5th pregnancy- low lying placenta, pp haemorrhage for instance. Definitely something to look into when you have children of your own to consider.