Sorry I'm not sure if this is in the right place, not sure what I'm looking for maybe just a hand hold or reality check!
I am now 22, my mother had me at 21, she was still at university so I lived at my grandparents my mother bought a house with her new partner and the 3 of us moved in together when I was 5. They had been seeing one another since I was a year old, he was very involved from early on, I called him Dad (as my biological father wasn't in the picture).
I of course knew growing up he wasnt my father, but it wasn't until I was early teens that I questioned "who is my biological father?!" When I questioned my mother she got upset, I could see the memories clearly hurt her. I turned to my uncles with my questions and soon found my biological father never had a relationship with my mother, I was 2 before he even knew I existed (then pushed for a DNA test) and refused any contact.
Fast forward to when I was 18 I decided to reach out. I had his name and a friend had landed a job in his company, which brought it quite close to home, and decided it was the right time to make contact. I wrote him a letter addressed to his work with my phone number, explaining I wasn't looking for a relationship just essentially wanted to know who he was and to hear his side of the story before I moved country for university.
We did meet, a few weeks later just before I was due to leave.
It wasn't perfect, he was obviously very nervous and I had so many questions. He told me his side, apologised for not being there all those years but as it turned out he had always been nearby. I had been in newspapers for academic and sport achievements of which he and his sister kept a scrap book with cut outs, had often seen me around at social events, had apparently always said hello and never avoided me... but I had never known who he was or recognised him. We agreed on a friendship going forward, he explained he was waiting for the right time to tell his daughter about me (she's significantly younger).
This didn't work out, he made no contact going forward. I sent him my new number following moving country to which there was no response.
I visited home one Christmas, out for a drink with old friends, when my biological father's brother approached me teary eyed, explaining the whole family wanted to get to know me but my biological father was stopping them, kept apologising and saying how embarrassed he was for never reaching out.
Now I'm 22, expecting my first baby. I can't help but want to include my biological father somehow... I don't know why it's not like he deserves it. I just thought maybe a message once my baby is born might be a nice idea, but I don't want it to be seen as a "cry for attention" which it certainly isn't.
My partner has never met my biological father, and what I've told him I doubt he wants to meet him either. I do think he's never made an effort with me, but maybe he's never known how to. On the flip side I love my step father dearly and he's always been there for me so I don't want to do anything that might upset him.
Am I being ridiculous? Should I just leave things how they are and not risk upsetting anybody? Am I setting myself up to be ignored again?