To not know why I'm posting this but feel like I need to

[Staringatthelampshade]

I used to have my shit together. Mum to 2 daughters aged 4 and 7, wife, full time working parent with a good job and always had good health. On top of everything and in control. Then last christmas I lost a baby, not massively far along but it was so wanted and it happened at the worst of times. Managed to get out of hospital for Christmas but had to go back due to complications on boxing day and spent a good few weeks in a weird little bubble but carried on because well, you have to don't you?! Then in June of this year I suffered a strange episode and have since been diagnosed with a lifelong chronic illness that affects me every day and could possibly result in severe struggles for the future. I ended up unemployed as the episode happened on my last day of my job and I was due to start a new one the week after. I was unable to start the job and they needed someone urgently so had to retract the job offer. I have now been unemployed for 5 months trying to recover.
I am the person my friends and family describe as strong. The one who people congratulate on being able to cope so well with all of this because they know they couldn't but inside I am just a big fat fucking mess. I have counselling as I have developed strong anxiety and self confidence issues and I want to work towards being able to be a better person with all of this going on and I thought I was doing well but this morning was a real struggle. The kids were playing up before school and I was running late after sleeping badly. I lost my temper, I screamed and this resulted in my eldest DD7 becoming very upset and saying she was going to kill herself (dramatic I know but concerning) and that she was a bad family member and friend. It came from nowhere and couldn't be further from the truth. She is the sweetest girl and I pushed her to the edge. She was upset and I comforted and reassured her and apologised and she went to school but now I just feel awful. This is what life has come to.

Wow that was long, sorry

You sound at the end of your tether. Can you reach out for help? Counselling? What support do you have?

Do your DC have pastoral support at school?

Give her lots of attention and cuddles this afternoon - she will be all right.

You don't have to be strong all the time, you know. It's okay to need help.

@Persistence I have been having low intensity CBT but yesterday they told me I'm being escalated to more trauma related intrapersonal counselling and have been put on the waiting list. So far the school are unaware of what has been happening but maybe it may be worth letting them know so the children have more support?

That's a hell of a lot to process in a short time.

No advice, sorry but bumping in the hope someone else can.

It's okay. You have been through so much and I agree with Persistence- you don't have to be strong all the time. Talk to those around you and let them know you're struggling, so that they can help you. Sometimes mums can put on such a good act of keeping things together that people don't notice when you need help. Ask for all the help that you need and don't feel guilty for accepting help. Big hugs to you and to your DD.

Oh Op, it's just shit isn't it? You poor thing. Have some and an early

I have cancer. It's taken everything from me - my job, my hobbies, my dog, my future, so I get what you're saying. I get very irritated when people say how strong and brave I am - it really, really, really doesn't help. There is no bravery, just endurance because there is no choice.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. You're doing the best that you can under your changed circumstances. Keep on with the counselling.

I wonder if your 7 year old would feel better if you gave her a couple of little jobs that are 'hers'? Then she would feel that she's helping. Maybe laying the table, or clearing it. Putting all the toys away every evening. Make sure she knows this is HER job and that it's really helping you feel better. It will boost her self-worth.

I've started crocheting because it keeps my mind occupied and at rest. Otherwise I would be sitting watching tv all the time and thinking crap thoughts. Is there something similar you can take up?

I'm sorry all this has landed on you. My sympathies.

Please, please let them know. No one will judge at school and you’d be surprised just how many kid and families are having difficulties. Kids may be able to access counselling through school/school nurse/maybe some young career support. I’m a teacher and I often hear some details of awful/difficult circumstances and wish I’d known about it sooner. Really sorry for your troubles.

Carer, not career. Really sorry to hear you’re troubles too, Twitter. Take care x

Gargh your

Morning op. I understand where your coming from. I have an illness too. So with the kids, mine are 5 and 7 we've just told them what they need to know and when. My DD is the 7 year old and we told school as soon as I was diagnosed (breast cancer) they have been very supportive and she goes to a weekly counselling session within school. She really enjoys it and I've asked for her to continue for this academic year. We've also tried to make sure that life goes on as normally as possible for them ie they still go to all their clubs, see their friends etc.
I took the decision to stop working a couple of weeks ago and to be honest it's been a relief.
I think you maybe need to give yourself a bit of a break and be kind to yourself, give yourself some time to adjust to what i term the new normal!

Thank you for the kind words. I've had time to simmer down from the stresses this morning and things don't seem half as hopeless. Definitely going to contact the school so thank you. I have just appealed against a work capability assessment too as I received 0 points so I think things just reached boiling point. Sending my well wishes to those going through their own troubles too. Life's a weird rollercoaster

Some may disagree with me but I strongly believe in the mind body connection and that often chronic illnesses have an emotional cause that can be healed and thus helping our own health to heal as well. Sounds like somewhere along the line the miscarriage has not been dealt with on an emotional level and your health condition (both mental and physical) is the significator of this. If you can find a way to address the deep hurt caused by the miscarriage (through counselling, and professional healing, self nurture, giving yourself time to heal etc that you need) it may positively impact your health condition, as well as your mental health. Good luck OP. If you're interested there is tons of stuff on the internet about the mind body connection and how healing our emotional wounds can make all the difference to our lives and health.