Just to put things in context, DP is an aging hippy who had his own business, which he sold 15 years ago and retrained as a carer. Meanwhile he never left home or had a long-term relationship, was an out and out hedonist, no children, no family responsibilities and answered to no one.
Just before we got together he had some sort of epiphany and realised that the 'end game' was nigh and that he didn't want to be on his own any more, hanging out with middle-aged tokers and having transient hook ups... do know I'm not painting a great picture here...!
However these are things I have slowly discovered over the years. His upbringing was poor as his mother never bonded with him and his parents never enforced consequences for any actions which they disagreed with, so he swanned about for years any avoiding consequences of his actions.
He is very supportive of the wider family issues I have with my difficult brother and my DF's partner in dealing with my DF's dementia and is good company in terms of discussions, cycling and film going etc. He has given up the dope as he now has asthma as a result, too.
Now with me, I am holding him to account about the manners which he never seems to have been taught- please and thank you are rarities and I am beginning to get really pissed off. He has finally had to move out (at 64) on the death of his mother, the family house was sold and he had to buy his first home!! I have helped him in terms of giving him loads of stuff from my house such as chest of drawers, duvet, rugs, lamps, kitchen crockery etc as well as buying new stuff, all of which he was happy to receive (and I was happy to give) and agreed he needed, (admittedly I am down-sizing, myself). I have helped move the stuff to his house, spent time at Ikea helping him decide what he needs- the world's most indecisive man...! He has barely said 'thank you' or 'that's good of you' etc., let alone brought me a bunch of flowers or a bottle of wine. Am I expecting too much?
This has resulted in my feeling very undervalued and underappreciated and I have told him that of all the people in my life who treat me like this, I don't need it from him as well.
He doesn't seem to be taking my feelings seriously, but the one hiatus in our relationship resulted from my feeling it was a one-way relationship- I gave and he took....prior to getting back together he did exhibit self -awareness about his past behaviour and promised not to repeat this, as he valued me/the relationship above all else.
AIBU to expect gratitude and/or an old dog to learn new tricks?