Sensitive post warning please no judgement - AIBU to consider having a baby with a man I dont love if he wants one too?

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

Ok so please no judgement! If you were a 40 yr old female in a relationship with a decent man (3yrs) but you're not sure hes "Mr Right" for you.. no major concerns just not sure you are 'soulmates', not sure hes 'the one' but youre at last chance saloon for a baby (yes i know u can have one at 43 or adopt etc but realistically this is my last chance). He wants a baby too (hes 41)and knows it may not last but if we split he would live nearby and support the child) would u comsider having one?

Im financially secure and can support myself on mat leave and would work after 9 months mat leave.. part time and id be ok financially.

Its not ideal situation.. ideally id like to meet my mr right and have a happy family but ive been too focussed on career and times passed me by. I dont want to adopt or wait to meet mr right.. its now or never.. would u go for it or not? (Im desperately maternal and i could cope with being a single parent as i already have an 8 yr old from first matrriage and im so glad he was born).. i dont think id regret a 2nd but im interested to know others personal experiences please.

Please no "its selfish and unfair to child comments as i understand these points and have considered these. .. im interested in hearing views on how u as a petson would decide on this... being v maternal and last chance for another baby! Thank you xx

I think you're overthinking it. If you love each other then do it. I'm not sure I wholly believe this whole soulmate the one shite tbh I know far too many divorcees I think it's much more about working through tough times and enjoying the good times and growing together .
If you said he was horrible nasty etc I'd say no but It sounds to me you're just unsure about the commitment because you don't know if he's the one. Even if it turns out in a few years not to work out , as long as you are both good parents who put your child at the forefront of everything it will be ok. Good luck .

In your situation, I think I'd go for it

Absolutely just go for it! People have babies with other people when they’ve only just met or don’t even like much. Your relationship with your child will be your relationship with them, not the father. If he’s a decent person then that’s all that matters in the end. Having a child with an asshole would be far worse. Go for it. You’ll not regret having one, but you may regret not!

From what you say I reckon you should go for it. Good luck!

Thanks concise thats actually exactly how i view it! I had my son with my ex and it didnt work out with him but my god am i so glad i had our son.. hes totally enriched my life! I really want a 2nd but its unlikely to happej unless i get on with it now and "settle" with the man im with. Its awful to go into it knowing we may not last but i know we would both love our child so much. We are both so desperate for a baby!

There is no mr right. Only mr right now.

No YANBU. I think as long as you're sure he's a good person and would make a good dad and coparent well.

I couldn't have coped with my first dc if I hadn't had loving support from my dh.. with my second I didn't have the health issues after birth and coped much better. I guess every woman is different but I know only true love made my dh do the things he did after dc1 to help me in the first few weeks after birth - over and above being a fairly young (24) doting new dad too.
Not helpful perhaps but a perspective on needs and wants after birth..
I'm 43 and fighting maternal urges as my body charges towards menopause - dh had snip so little hope for me 😆
Good luck with your decision x

I was with you until you said you already had a child. I would do it if it meant never being a mother otherwise. I wouldn't have a child with a man I didn't love if I already had a child.

I would go for it, too. You know you can cope if the relationship doesn't work out, and I'm not convinced that soulmates even exist! Good luck!

People have babies in much worse situations than you i would totally go for it.

Looking at it from another angle if I read your first post right then if you've been in a relationship with someone for three years and you don't think they're right to have a child with I don't think they're right to be in a relationship with.

Also it's incredibly unfair that you are, by staying in this relationship, preventing your partner from finding someone who loves him to have children with.

Loving someone doesn’t make them a good parent. Have a child with someone who’s reliable, supportive and will be a good parent.

Look, I'll be blunt - despite what the media wants us to believe, love is optional. Plenty of relationships throughout history have been based on friendship and mutual respect, not soulmate status. If he'll be a good dad, and you're good friends, I don't see any impediments.

If you are both on the same page go for it.

It seems incredibly mature to me. You seem to have already discussed how you will coparent in the event of a split which is something we should all do (but don't).

I cannot see any reason at all why not.

Do you think he'd make a good parent? Do you think you could successfully parent together? If "yes" and "yes" then I'd go for it. Better someone you know and trust than an anonymous sperm donor.

You’ve clearly given this a lot of thought, it’s not something you’re jumping into blind. If you are both happy to go ahead and try for a baby YANBU.

I think as long as you are honest with him about your feelings and he’s happy to go ahead knowing that then it’s fine.

I think it would only be wrong if he thought you were 100% committed to the relationship and saw him as your “Mr Right”.

You already have a child so you have a realistic idea of what having a baby involves. It sounds as though the child would be very loved and wanted. I would go for it.

In your position I'd go for it.

I don't care if I get flamed for saying it but the countless threads I've read on MN (Relationships board) in which a woman whom was blindly in love with her so-called soulmate and never thought she'd divorce, finds herself exactly in that position - divorce looming, deep end of 40 with young kids and not even enough money to buy a sandwich and has been out of the workforce for so long she couldn't parachute into a career.

Personally I give no fucks. Love does not pay the bills, nor keep the wolf from the door.

My parents were never 'in love' my mother was young and beautiful and my father was accomplished and rich. My siblings and I turned out very well.

Get cracking

I say crack on too. You sound like a lovely mum and time is ticking. I’m almost 40 too and have been broody for another for years. Secondary infertility is scuppering my chances but if you can have another child and complete your family, then do it.

Good luck!

I’d go for it as long as you’re sure he’d make a good dad.

The only other thing to consider is that if you split would you be ok financially. As an unmarried mother youd have much less protection than if you were married.

What's in it for the child? I think it's awful to deliberately have a child with someone you're probably going to break up with.

Doesn't the child deserve better than parents who are separated before they're even out of nappies?

To be clear I only mean having a child with someone you know you have no long term future with.

Do you have any other support if he gets cold feet?

If you have the energy and finance to cope and he's keen, I say go for it!