To be annoyed at DHs comments

[HRMumness]

So as not to drip feed. I’m a SAHM to two children born just over 2 years apart. One is in school nursery, one at school. I didn’t want to give up work but felt it was the best decision in the circumstances as we have no family support nearby and both of us wanted the children to be with a parent / family member in the first few years. We think our eldest may have SN (waiting for assessment) and raising her has been a challenge at times but we have survived. I was freelancing before I had my second and have done lots of volunteering / have my own allotment too.
My youngest will be starting school next year and I’m considering going back to university at the same time as I would like to move into a different field.
Today, my DH said, oh it will be easier when you go back to work, you won’t have to worry so much about the house stuff and you will understand how hard it is for me to context switch when I get home from work.
I’m looking at doing university in the evening so I can make sure I can do all the school runs still / meetings for my elder daughter / generally still keep on top of the house stuff / my allotment.
I didn’t kind of clock it when he said it but now I feel really furious at him but not sure if that is justified. I can’t quite articulate why I feel so angry at him for saying it.

My husband said “go back to university” not work - that is the next step!

Maybe IABU then

If you can’t articulate why you’re angry it’s difficult to comment

I don't really understand what he said for you to be annoyed at. I read his comments as - you're always in Mum mode because being a stay at home mum is always your focus while he has to switch from formal work - mode to Dad- mode when he gets home and now you may understand his experience a little better?

Yeah I’d be angry too. Sounds like he really has no idea how hard it is or what you are saving him from having to worry about. My DH wouldn’t say this he would have more sense

He’s right in a way. When you’re time limited certain things become less of a priority — generally housework etc. ‘Good enough’ is okay. Don’t bash yourself up if you can’t multitask everything. Your DH is there too and should be doing his share.

Why are you angry? Because he wants you to empathize with how he feels?

Not sure I get your anger. He sounds supportive.

Yeah - he's dismissing your experience. he thinks the change will be good because then (implied) you will finally (implied) realise how tough things are for him having to 'context switch' - so he thinks your experience is easier than his (because you don't have to do any of that terribly difficult and exhausting context switching - you're just looking after two young kids one with SN and living the life of riley doing the same thing all day - time you found out how hard it is to live in his big old hard working, context switching world.

Is that why you are angry ? That's why I would be.

you will understand how hard it is for me to context switch

That sounds really pompous and patronising. Could that be it?

It's hard to say if there isn't any more back story - if he's saying it will be easier for you when you go back to work, that could imply he realises how hard it is doing everything at home? Although it sounds like you will still be doing most stuff! Maybe that's why you're annoyed?

He may not mean it to sound belittling, but it might come across that way.

I'd be wondering why he thinks that you'll magically stop "worrying" so much about "the house stuff". Will not the same things still need doing?

Maybe you'll be too tired and short on time too do as much as you have been, and that might be okay, but it does sound a bit like he's said, "You've been fussing over these unimportant details that only matter to you. Soon you'll see that some of the things you've spent X years doing were actually a waste of time and effort."

It would make me feel that some of my efforts had been undervalued. Not enough to argue over, but still unpleasant.

you won’t have to worry so much about the house stuff

Does he think you are only concerned about dealing with the day to day running of the house because you have nothing better to do? Is it something you fill your little head with to pass the time and then get over-anxious about because you have nothing else to focus on? Because unless this is a really peculiar way of telling you that he will be taking on more of the household chores, that sounds SUPER patronising and dismissive of your role in the house.

and you will understand how hard it is for me to context switch when I get home from work.

This definitely detracts from my generous potential interpretation above. 'Context switch'?! Does he mean that he finds it hard to come in from work, where presumably he is at least semi-autonomous and manages his own time to some extent, and find himself in an environment where he is asked/expected/needed to do things that he may not wish to do?

It sounds like he really thinks that he is living in the 'real world' in a way that you are not at the moment, and that his experience of being a working member of the household is superior and yet unfathomable to you. However, he might have meant something completely different - how do you think it would go if you asked him what he meant by it?

YANBU. I'm a SAHM too and if my DH said that I'd say "You just need to context switch from Geological Engineer to sitting on your fat butt when you get home, I context switch from Mummy to Cook to Cleaner to Washer to everything else! Ahhhhh!!!" x

Well no, you don't have to "context switch" do you. You are constantly fucking switched onto thinking about fucking everything. Wouldn't it be nice if you could spend 8-10 hours a day thinking about absolutely fuck all apart from work. But you don't have that luxury, do you, you don't have the luxury of fucking context switching because you are doing fucking everything.

At times like that I would point out to DH that if when we were divorced he'd be doing fucking everything 50% of the time so how'd he like them apples. Given your DH likes his management speak, ask him to eat the elephant one bite at a time and get his head out of his arse.