To want to give my tuppence worth..?

[Whodidit]

Friend going out with a very lonely and sad girl who would lay down and die for him, yet he chooses where and when they meet etc. Relationship all on his terms . Absolutely none of my business but as awful as it is to see her hanging around waiting to catch the crumbs , I believe that he’ll also be miserable down the line in that while his needs are being met presently , he never speaks warmly about her and clearly doesn’t respect her from his disinterest in meeting her only when he is free etc . I feel terribly sorry for this girl. She has had a tough life but I love my friend and want the best for him . Do I keep my mouth firmly shut when he asks for advice? Thanks

No harm in telling him he's treating her like shit and it's not a nice thing to do to someone.

If it was one of my friends then I'd be calling them out on their awful behaviour. If he doesn't like or respect her then he should end it.

You've mentioned that she's sad and lonely so probably doesn't have anyone to stick up for her!!

Yes, finding someone who clearly has little self esteem and is very lonely and sad and treating them like a that doesn't make him sound very pleasant. It's the sort of thing abusers do.

What exactly do you love about him OP?

Yes you are right! She has nobody to stick up for her. Dysfunctional upbringing, one or two friends only. Very lonely . I almost want to take her home and mind her . He has so little respect for her ... picks her up and drops her when he has nothing g else to do it then when she is with him, he treats her so well and she is happy. I’m furious to be honest but then is that me caring too much ??

I don’t believe that he is doing this intentionally. His needs are being met and he cannot see beyond himself . She absolutely adores him and put no demands on him . Would you say it?

Yes say it!!! You need to tell him that his treatment of her is disgusting. He may not be doing it intentionally but that is no excuse.

Then if he doesn't know he's being unkind, yes you need to point out to him that this is nasty behaviour.

If he's a decent person he'll end it and stop using a clearly vulnerable young woman.

I have said similar when friends have behaved like this in the past, doesn't mean he'll change but it's right to call him out

He has said that no one has loved him like this before !!! He is so happy to have met someone like this but he speaks about her like he pity’s her and feels sorry for her , yet not enough to factor her into his ever growing plans only when he is free .

Well that's lovely for him. Not so good for her to be used as a bolster for his ego though.

Hello again. I spoke with him and expressed how awful i felt he was treating his girlfriend. He looked aghast! Was really surprised that I thought he was being shitty!He felt that because she came over and spent a couple of evenings sitting watching tv with him now and again , and that he would be able to see her when family and friends occasions had passed, that he was being very much a committed boyfriend. He didnt seem too upset that she would be spending the best part of Christmas holidays on her own, with only one family member and one friend to see while he was away at concerts, partys, family reunions and friends nights out.I suggested that she needed more attention, he maintains that he just isnt free and that hell do things with her in the new year despite living down the road from her!!! She will be lonely and sad(family bereavement this year) on her own and yet he invites her to none of these occasions and leaves her sitting in her flat on her own and cant see , at all, why I think he is being shitty.The poor girl. I have lost respect for him after that conversation, I really have.! The other side of it is though, is that she is putting serious pressure on him to meet him his family and for him to meet her sibling.She also wants to marry him as she loves him so much , by all accounts and would love a little baby as soon as possible. This relationship is going on for 3 months and he is feeling overwhelmed. Think I need to leave it now and leave him make his own mistakes and deal with the fall out, dont I !!

Oh my gosh, thats heartbreaking for her. I do get it's not your responsibility, but can you help her get out more herself or find ways to boost her self confidence? Does she have hobbies she could start, sports classes or anything? It could be she's never had anyone encourage her to build her own life. Irrespective of how the relationship pans out, it's so sad that she has ended up so lonely.

Sorry just to be clear I don't mean you need to get over involved or take her under your wing - unless you wanted to - I meant more general encouragement.

From you update OP it sound like it's more a case of them having different ideas of what this relationship is about. She sounds very intense and he sounds like he sees himself in a very casual situation with her.

Tbh the kindest thing he could do is to end it, not just for her but for him as well.

If it's only been going on for 3 months and she's already wanting marriage and a baby she's wanting more than he can possibly be expected to give her at this stage.

I suspect anyone she meets is going to be seen in the same way for her.

He needs to stop it now.

I agree! He is a commitment phobe as it is and a woman who wants to come into his life will always be an option when it comes down to his family and friends. Honestly, this poor girl has lost so many family members and has had such a dysfunctional upbringing, was in an emotionally abusive and neglectful relationship for years. Her self esteem and self worth must be in tatters. She is such a lady and a sweetheart.Then she literally jumped out of the broken relationship straight into the one with my friend, where he could take or leave her, and always did when it suited him. He never speaks of her warmly, no excitement in his demeanor when he talks about her, no sparkle, nothing. She just loves him and accepts him no questions asked, despite him having his own issues that affect their relationship in a way that ensures her needs are not met, not to mind being picked up and dropped at a whim.She is so sweet and kind and he cannot get over how she just loves him and puts no demands on him, whereas from where I am standing...and I told him this this morning... as much as he is a lovely man, her self worth and esteem is so bad, that she'll put up with anything as long as she is his girlfriend.She literally meets him when she gets the call and is available at every opportunity. I feel so so sorry for her but I cant seem to be mad with him, because he thinks he is happy!and genuinely thinks he is eing a good boyfriend. She literaly has nothing... not a penny His needs are being met. I have lost respect for him though. Its almost like he thinks he is doing her a favour. he said that if he asked her to move in with him tomorrow, she'd jump at the chance! Poor thing

Aww, bless her. I’d put money on him having love bombed her, and he’s pulled away.
She sounds very sweet, somewhat naive, and I’m concerned for her, she obviously seems to think the relationship is more serious than he does. I can imagine her being broken when they split up.

Me too! She is totally invested. He didnt love bomb her. She pursued him and despite hardly seeing him for the first two months, she kept pursuing and being available and not givng up. Even when she is sick/busy/broke, she still gets into her car and drives nearly an hour to see him, which annoys him and he feels a bit overwhelmed, just to be there with him.She is so pretty and kind and young so I get the attraction on his part, whereas he is older, comfortably off and has super relationships with friends and family. She works in a low paid job with little prospects and no motivation to improve her circumstances. I think she sees him as her knight in shining armour.Its awful to hear that she almost begs him to do things with her, knowing that he has plans and the way she tries to get his attention is crige inducing. She reminds me of a little girl lost. Id love to talk to her and i really mean it when I say that while he is fond of her, he doesnt see one bit of harm in what he is doing. I cant get my head around a man who would be happy to leave his girlfriend at home on her own on christmas eve or evening. I think its absolutely horrible in fact

But he's only been with her 3 months! And hardly saw him the first 2 months. It's very casual! Not spending Xmas together stage at all!

Oh I know that!! But she is all on her own and he has no intentions of spending anything but a random hour or two with her over the holidays despite living down the road...Should it not be the...cant wait to see eachother stage and pulling back on family and friends a little?..... I just hate to think of her grieving and lonely in a shitty little flat waiting for the call from him. I know she is not his responsibility but surely inviting her over for dinner or lunch for a few hours on a few of the days wouldnt destroy his family/friends time. They are meant to be a couple! He is going off on a weekend away this weekend and for the next 4 weekends as far as I can see and she hardly even figures into any of these plans !He told her that they might do something in the new year when the party season dies down! She may be casual to him but he is certainly not casual to her. This is it for her! Id love to see her get some therapy and uild herself up again