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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I unreasonable for leaving the room

58 replies

Findyoursparky · 20/11/2018 13:32

Could I have a general consensus on whether I over reacted

DH and I watch an overseas lighthearted soap on the tv every weekday evening

DH thinks it’s funny to get into it, by loudly calling the characters rude names if they do or say anything he thinks is wrong. On the odd occasion, this involves the words slut and whore. He insists he is saying it as a joke to get a lighthearted reaction from me

I get offended when he uses these words in particular, to be honest I don’t like it when he provides any commentary, and have asked him a few times to stop doing it.

We were watching it again last night and he said (about a female character who was trying it on with a man for financial gain) “she’s just a f*king whore”. He then looked at me and implied it was a joke.
I looked at him, and didn’t even say anything, I just walked out

He is saying I ruined the evening by walking out of the living room, he the wouldn’t apologise when I explained why I did it.

Who was in the wrong?

He is 37 years old.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 20/11/2018 14:42

You both have to be on the same wavelength for this kind of thing to funny.

I think there's often a risk / reality, even then, that what is said in jest becomes a real point of view / emerges has always having been real, masked by humour.

He seems very keen to tell you that he thinks it's ok to refer to people this way and for you to validate his doing so.

saj90 · 20/11/2018 14:54

Totally feel your pain OP. My DP is always shouting silly insults at the tele. Especially shows like Masterchef / BBBO / I'm a Celeb. Mainly comments like "oh you useless c**t".

Drives me up the wall, but i've called him out on it so often recently he's started apologizing.

It's not directed at woman, just anyone in general on the TV that is making a mess of things. Totally ruins my enjoyment of the show though!!

YANBU! But I doubt he's a 'woman hater'...just a bit silly and immature like my DP.

LizzieBennettDarcy · 20/11/2018 14:54

That's vile OP.

I'd walk out the room every time he uses those words frankly.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/11/2018 14:55

What does he call the male characters.

Also wondering why you find the word whore so offensive (which I agree with) yet write that in full but use * for the far less offensive fucking.

problembottom · 20/11/2018 15:00

Well I would call him a woman hater. I wouldn't be with someone who hates women.

Shoxfordian · 20/11/2018 15:01

Sounds like you married a misogynist
Bad plan op

Original poster
Findyoursparky · 20/11/2018 15:29

Yes it’s Neighbours. The Terese and Pearce situation. I don’t know what happened in the end as obviously I’d walked out (not relevant)

There’s a couple of things that bother me about it :

  1. the language. The words are just vile and in no way does Neighbours as a programme warrant such seriousness while watching it.
    I wasn’t brought up on such language and I find it repulsive

  2. he uses these words for women. He does swear at men too, but tends to use the C word, which I also hate. I have believed for a while that he is mysogynistic and I think he only says comments about the men as well because I pulled him up on it being just women.

  3. he knows it upsets me but keeps doing it. He says he “forgets” it offends me, but he can control his mouth in other situations such as work, so why can’t he control it when sat with his wife to watch a tv programme. Having said that, last night he knew saying it it would offend me, as he looked at me straightaway for my reaction. It’s so disrespectful and hurtful. I went into the kitchen to wash the dinner dishes and just cried my eyes out. It sounds silly, but it’s point 3 above that hurts me the most. I wouldn’t ever keep doing something that I know upsets him.

This is not what I wanted in a husband. I’m embarrassed and ashamed that I’ve tolerated it until now.

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 20/11/2018 15:36

He doesn't sound very nice, but I have to say watching a soap every night would make me swear, it must be such a boring life.

Wildheartsease · 20/11/2018 15:37

They aren't just words. There is implied violence/hatred in many of these insults. It is from back in 'burn the witch' times.

True- not everyone hears it - and there are contexts where the words have lost all power . People in some societies use them as punctuation and the meaning (and effect on people in this society) has been neutralised.

I guess people who don't hear the weight of these words are the ones firing them off 'as a joke'.

I hope that it means something different to your DP and that he can be educated on this.

I hope that he wouldn't use it if he realised these words are a blow -and one that lands squarely on the women around him, whatever he intends.

mm8884448838 · 20/11/2018 15:51

Well the truth will be in his reaction from now on. Will he continue to laugh it off and minimise it or will he realise that he's a prat?

arethereanyleftatall · 20/11/2018 16:11

Well then, don't tolerate it any longer. He's a bellend. Can you leave?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 20/11/2018 16:12

There can be no doubt now, after last night, how strongly you feel about this. He can minimise previous outbursts if he likes but he cannot deny that he is now aware that it bothers you.
He doesn’t need to agree with you about whether his behaviour is offensive. It bothers you. So the question is “Even though you don’t agree with me, you know that it bothers me so how important is it to you to bellow insults at the telly? Is it more important than my feelings?”
If it is, then you have a bigger problem than a dh with an immature, sexist sense of humour.

Jaxtellerswife · 20/11/2018 16:18

Watching neighbours= boring life. Now I've heard everything Hmm

lottiegarbanzo · 20/11/2018 16:18

I think it might help if you used a word other than 'offends'. Upset, angers, disgusts, repels are much more active words.

'Offense' has been co-opted by people claiming that other people's opinions hurt them and those people should therefore be silenced, so by people ridiculing that position too. 'Offense' therefore sounds rather drama-llama-ey by association. That useage also gives people who cause offense the mistaken idea that they are warriors for truth and free speech, when often they're just arses.

Your DH is saying something that shocks and repels you and calls his values and attitudes into question. That is real, in a way that 'offense' is sometimes perceived not to be.

Shoxfordian · 20/11/2018 16:23

It's not what you want in a husband so you know what to do about it then

PattiStanger · 20/11/2018 16:24

He sounds vile, I can just imagine what he's like, is he one of those knows who finds amusement in insulting others then passing it off as banter?

It didn't take long for the totally irrelevant soap snob to post did it, we're all in awe of your exciting life (not)

Justanothernameonthepage · 20/11/2018 16:31

So it's ok for him to ruin your evening every time. But not ok for you to ruin his power play once.
Sorry op, he doesn't care for you. People who care and love someone, don't purposely wind them up and then blame them.
He knows you don't like the behaviour and his response is to continue to do it and after upsetting you, he doesn't apologise. He doesn't care.

diddl · 20/11/2018 16:45

"so why can’t he control it when sat with his wife to watch a tv programme. "

Because he doesn't care enough to?

Hidingtonothing · 20/11/2018 16:46

The looking straight at you for your reaction last night thing is very revealing, for whatever reason he is getting a kick out of upsetting you. He's not thoughtless or 'forgetful', he's enjoying your upset/outrage/offense and that really doesn't bode well I'm sorry to say OP.

It sounds extreme to say LTB but I honestly would be quietly checking out your options and making a plan for when if you need it. Even if he reins it in from now on (and I think that's unlikely) you've seen something in him you really didn't like and it's really difficult to unsee it now. Sorry OP Flowers

paintinmyhairAgain · 20/11/2018 16:49

are you SURE he's 37 ? what a tosser.

theWarOnPeace · 20/11/2018 16:55

I have believed for a while that he is misogynistic

I mean, this is your answer really. It’s horrible, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you can think of more awful stuff once you realise YANBU.

twattymctwatterson · 20/11/2018 17:28

He's showing you two things. That he despises women and that he enjoys upsetting you.

wrenika · 20/11/2018 17:35

I'd agree with him...it's not really offensive to state an opinion about an imaginery event. And lets face it...the character is both a slut and a whore, so he could take his pick of terminology!

ILoveAutum · 20/11/2018 17:47

I think he did it to get a reaction out of you and I think that’s nasty. Other than thus, what’s your relationship like?

AnoukSpirit · 20/11/2018 17:48

he wants to demonstrate his power by making you sit there and pretend you don’t mind.

Yup. He "can't control himself" in your presence, but can in everybody else's because he's doing it deliberately to upset you and wield power over you. He knows what he's doing, as you set out in your point 3, and he's in control of his actions. He gets off on hurting you.

The pp who asked why you'd do this to somebody you care about... Well, you wouldn't. Caring about somebody and acting like this are incompatible. But a controlling man who tells someone he cares about them (as opposed to showing it and living it) would absolutely use this as a way to feel powerful.

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