Should I give up on my oldest friend?

[mrs2be]

Hiya – I use the term oldest friend as don’t really regard them as a best friend anymore.

Me and my friend (I’ll call her Sam) have been friends for as long as I can remember. Our dads worked together and our mums were pregnant at the same time, we went to nursey and primary school together so from about 4 and we’re currently in our late 20s. We were inseparable.

Once we got to the age of 11 we went to different schools so naturally had different groups of friends and didn’t see each other as much. We would still stay round most weekends and school holidays, chatted online most nights and as our parents were friends still saw a lot of each other. Then as people do we drifted apart a bit more later in life with uni and work etc so I know I can’t expect us to be as close as we were, although it’s disappointing. We still texted but didn’t see each other much and now haven’t seen each other for about 5 years.

My problem is that I’ve tried so many times to get back in contact with Sam to meet up and try to at least have some sort of friendship but not getting anywhere and feel like I should just give up completely and forget her.

She rented a flat with her boyfriend round the corner from me and I said “oh I would love to come and see it”, she said yes and then never invited me round. She then split up with him and moved back home and I then bought a house round the corner from her parent’s house. I specifically invited her round and she made some excuse why she couldn’t come. Over the last 5 years I have on loads of occasions texted her out of the blue (we don’t text that much anymore) saying “oh we should meet up, when are you free/are you free next weekend” rather than just saying “oh we should meet up” as everyone does and then never arrange anything. I always get the same type of response, “I’m not free/I’ll check with my boyfriend/I can’t do this weekend but will see in a few weeks (and then never follows up)”. It’s got to the point now where I just can’t be bothered anymore. It’s made worse by the fact our parents still see each other and apparently according to my dad they’re always saying why don’t we (meaning me and Sam) meet up.

We used to give each other presents every year, then because of this I dropped it down to sending a card and a birthday text, then just a birthday text and the last couple of years I just haven’t bothered sending a text. I’ve always remembered her birthday (even though I didn’t send a text the last couple of times) and by the way it’s easy for her because my birthday is 2 days after hers so even if she forgot mine she’d get a reminder because I’d give her a present or card. We have never argued or fallen out so although I understand we’re not going to be close friends anymore I don’t really understand the lack of communication/effort on her part and feel a bit hurt by it. I know some people are probably going to say I haven’t helped matters by not sending a present etc anymore but I don’t see why I should constantly put the effort in when I get nothing back.

I get married in January and invited Sam as a sort of last ditch attempt/olive branch but because we haven’t seen each other for 5 years she’s never actually met my fiancé (been together about 6 years) and I’ve never met her boyfriend who she’s been with even longer.

I guess some are going to say that she clearly doesn’t want to see me as she’s making excuses and I should take the hint etc but am I being reasonable and should I just give up on her? I don’t have a lot of friends so maybe it’s my issue but AFAIK neither does she so not like she has a massive group of friends so doesn’t really think about me.

Sorry had issues posting so had to split it.

No. I’d say she’s given you a clear message that she no longer wants to be friends with you. Hard I know but forget her and move on.

People grow apart. She’s no longer the person she was when she was 4. She has a new life. Time to move on.

Yeh write this off, Its sad but friends in the early years doesnt guarantee anything as you get older. You tried, just leave the ball in her caught to reach out from now on

Let it go. You've tried enough, and there are open channels via your parents if she ever did want to try again.

I agree, time to move on. It's likely no ones fault just one of those these. Put your energy into making new friends and forget about Sam, you have given her plenty of chances and clearly (for reasons best known to herself) she isn't interested.

So she's been trying to tell you for at least 5 years that she has moved on, and you are still hounding her? It's borderline stalking at this point. Leave the poor woman alone.

I lost touch with people and met back up with them again later in life, we still liked each other we just got too busy or didn't have a lot in common any more.

No need for a big bust up, just get on with your stuff and be happy and maybe you will come back together again in the future.

She just doesn't want to for whatever reason. I don't think it's personal

She doesn’t want to be a friend any more. Always sad when that happens but you are unlikely to get closure. Probably best to leave her alone now.

Seems a real shame and I really don't understand people behaving like that unless you do something dreadful to each other. Quite rude and necessary I think as you aren't expecting to see her all the time. But, move on she has made her position clear.

She has done her best to avoid you for over 5 years, and you are worried about 'letting go'? You have missed a LOT of cues. Please let go and move on. She's not your friend, she is just an acquaintance, someone you used to be friends with and can say hi to if you happen to bump into her.

Seems a real shame and I really don't understand people behaving like that unless you do something dreadful to each other. Quite rude and necessary

Behaving like what? A normal person? You seem to think that you should spend time with everyone you've ever met unless they do something dreadful to you...that's bizarre. It's not how relationships work at all. People change and their lives change, people who you got along with in one period in your life are not people you want to spend time with in another.
If you are still friends with the people you were friends with as a toddler, for the only reason that your parents were friends, you are a very unevolved person. Of course people are often friends with others for life, but only when they still suit each other, not just because they haven't done something awful.

I really think a lot of people on here have no idea how to relate to others.

Sorry OP, but I think she’s made it clear that you’re not really friends any more. Be happy, move on with your life. You’ve done nothing wrong. X

Blah yes I do think it odd and rude that someone can't even be bothered to see a very old friend once in a while for a catch up. It's not a case of hanging out with everybody you have ever met is it. This is a person the OP has known must of her life and I can't imagine just totally ignoring them unless they had really upset me. I would think it pretty 'unevolved' to be so rude.

I would tell your parents that you have tried to keep the friendship going however your friend has not made the effort and ask them to please drop it.

Behaving like what? A normal person? You seem to think that you should spend time with everyone you've ever met unless they do something dreadful to you...that's bizarre. It's not how relationships work at all. People change and their lives change, people who you got along with in one period in your life are not people you want to spend time with in another.

That’s not what Rain is saying, Blah. We’re not talking about two people who met once at a bus stop. These are lifelong friends. Whilst the friendship is obviously over, it’s unnecessarily mean to portray the OP as some kind of stalker.

She’s just not that into you.

Is it possible she's depressed or being abused? My sister had something very similar happen with her best friend, who was in a controlling relationship and trying desperately to hide how low she'd fallen.