To not rent out my spare room to my mate

[xuixo]

NC because I'm not exactly proud of this.

Months ago, my mate and I were speaking about this place I was about to move to, and the idea that maybe she could rent the spare bedroom (at 1/3 the market rate for a room rental here since she said that that's her budget and I don't really need the money anyway) once it's properly renovated (Dec) was tossed out. We've since talked about this on approx 3 separate occasions, albeit with no concrete plans or even a fixed rental figure.

The problem is that over the past month or so, I've decided against that initial proposition for two main reasons:

1. This property belongs to my DF so I haven't actually seen the interior layout when I was talking to my mate about the spare bedroom. Turns out, I had it all wrong in my head and the two rooms are not as spread out as I'd like it to be. Think something along the lines of the room doors being practically next to each other instead of being separated by a hallway and a right turn as is the case with my previous place.

1. I used to be adequately close to this mate but we've since drifted apart over the past 2 months. We've spoken for a grand total of about 30 mins during this period with the occasional one-liner text, and I now feel like the space is too "small" for me to be living with someone I'm not very close to (have never had a housemate before).

AIBU to rescind that offer from months back now that Dec is approaching? She's got a few other rentals she's currently looking at (though they're all probably about 20-45 mins away from her workplace as opposed to mine which is right across the street), so she's got options.

Apologies for the length of this post.

Better you tell her now, than have her move in and it not work out. You'd be miserable, she'd probably be uncomfortable and it would be way harder to "evict" her.

I understand OP as I think I would feel the same in your position however I have VERY few friends who I could live with. (Maybe they couldn't live with me either!)
I have a friend who, back in our house share days would ask me every time I had a tenancy coming to an end if we could live together. I love her as a friend but somehow just knew our friendship would never last if we lived together. Just be up front and honest now and don't let it drag on

But if she's looking at others she's not totally committed either and could potentially "let you down". Back out sooner rather than later.

Hmmm. I think perhaps yabu as you had promised it for months, and now that she is due to move in imminently (December) you want to change your mind. It's fine to not want to rent out your spare room to a friend, but it doesn't sound like you are giving her much notice to find somewhere else.

I wonder whether the friendship would survive, but then again, she might have other living plans and be ok. Let us know how you got on please.

Okay so I had a talk with her about this issue. She said that it was okay and when I tried to elaborate she told me that she was sick of talking about houses?

After that a mutual friend of ours walked over and they apparently just carried on with their prior conversation so I guess that's that. She's always been easily distracted and in her defence we didn't explicitly meet up to discuss this (we are in the same place at the same time maybe 5 days a week) but wtf isn't this a bit rude.

Really glad I've not rented my place out to her at this point!

Well you are essentially sacking her off having changed your mind about regarding offering her a room she thought she was going to be moving into soon. How fascinated and polite did you want her to be about that?

The only thing unreasonable is the short notice. I am surprised you made or even agreed to the idea in the first place, as friendship is very different if you are under the same roof.

It sounds like she was upset and didn't want to talk about it. Are you surprised when you have given her such short notice to find somewhere else to live?

You clearly expected her to be upset about it
You said she was looking at other propertlies so maybe in her head your offer wasn't as binding as you built it up in yours.

It's OK to change your mind OP. You don't have to apologise for it or feel guilty about it. It's not the same as 'going back on your word' either.

eg
I give you my word I'll be there at 7pm on Monday for your house decorating
Now I've seen the flat I've realised it's just not suitable for sharing I'm afraid.

It's your home! Your refuge. you don't have to do anything you don't want to.

It was not unreasonable of you to change your mind but if she was looking forward to it and you’d discussed a vastly reduced rent it’s not entirely surprising she was upset?

I’d send a text apologising for any disappointment and say that you only realised it wouldn’t work after seeing the actual layout of the flat. Regardless of how you feel abo Her she will be justifiably disappointed.

Okay I admit the short notice thing isn't ideal. However, if you were her, in the past 2 months especially wouldn't you at least have talked to me about it instead of avoiding the issue completely?

Ummm, fine that you re-thought the offer and rescinded it, a bit much that you dis her efforts to be ‘good ‘ about rather than show any upset or disappointment.

The feeling about not wanting to share might be mutual.

You made this offer out of reasons which were partially selfish. Be honest with yourself!

OP: leave it. You are sounding more self absorbed by the minute.

Just enjoy that you are being handed a renovated flat that you can afford to live in.

isn't this a bit rude

I don't think so.

For (perfectly valid reasons) you changed her mind - she might see it that you let her down - she said okay and shut the conversation down. Result surely? What else did you want her to say?

You wanted to explain yourself to alleviate your own guilt. She didn’t let you. Totally fine what you did. Not ok to find her rude because she didn’t want to hear you go on and on with your excuses. They obviously make no difference to her so why should she have to listen. It’s fine, she switched the subject.

Honestly, just drop it now. I got the feeling she’s actually been distancing herself from you a bit and wasn’t that keen to move in with you either.

Yes, she felt let down and didn't want to talk about it. I can understand that. Still it's good you told her now though.

Maybe she had changed her mind and didn't know how to tell you? Hence the lack of contact over the last couple of months.

What do you want from her? Tears? Begging? You got the outcome you wanted, you've told her you don't want her to move in and now you're pissed off because she doesn't seem to care more? Some people are never happy.