To not get out the car ....

[itseasierstill]

Have had a really tough few months with DSS's mum. Generally just being awful, name calling to myself and DH, trying to drive a wedge between DSS, DH and myself. On Sunday we dropped off DSS after a really nice few days. I didn't want to see her, so stayed in the car while DSS was dropped off. This set her off again, saying how dare I disrespect her, what a bad example to DSS etc.
It was the day before my egg collection (ivf) so was feeling like shit, plus didn't want a scene in front of DSS. But apparently this was a blatant attack on her. AIBU to just keep out of her way ......

its clearly not irrelevant to you if you're asking the circumstance that surrounds the abuse?

I wasn't (just to get that out of the way), and DH's ex moved her boyfriend in straight after DH moved out. But that didn't stop her being furious at my existence (apparently DH should have been so devastated that he never recovered and lived pining away for his ex).

Years of abuse, via the kids, DH and direct. Not answering the phone wasn't an option as she'd call 10-12 times. If we didn't answer home phone, or unplugged it then it was the mobile phones going in a constant cycle. Kids turned off their phones for dinner and would regularly have half a dozen messages when it was turned on 45 minutes later.

Its a nightmare. Stay in the car, smile and wave. Both you and your DH need to let her rants be 'water off a ducks back'. Easier said than done but there is no point in trying to reason with her, and you can't behave in a way that stops her having a go because she wants to be angry.

What we found worked was repeating back what she said to acknowledge it 'so you're calling to tell me I'm the worst step-mother in the world? I understand why you've called. Don't engage with the debate, acknowledge what's she saying and then be quiet. She soon got bored with calling once we stopped trying to defend ourselves, also I think hearing what you say repeated back can be a bit of a wake up call.

Its horrible

Is what is happening to DSS (feeling guilted to say 'no' to a holiday to see his Granddad because of his mother's instability) 'in the best interests of the child?'

The backstory doesn't matter to you when it's a MIL as you immediately take sides then so I'm not sure why it matters to you now?

She has been so poisonous, that DSS withdrew away from dad (believing all the bile that she said about DH) DH, has been building contact up slowly and I've kept away. This weekend was the first weekend I've seen DSS, as I wasn't allowed contact. He had a great weekend and both DH and I feel that the relationship is getting back on track. His mother is furious that he had a good time and can't possibly believe that he had a nice time while I was present.

BTW OP - step parenting board would be better than AIBU which is always a bit of a bear pit.

I agree with PP you're never going to win. I think you're right to just avoid engaging with her at all. Don't try to justify whether you do or don't get out of the car. If you have to give her a response I would make it 100% non committal "I'm sorry you feel that way, it was not my intention to upset you" and just leave it at that.

My friend's ex wife was like this (and still is). Total aggressive narcissistic drama lover. She was, and is, and utter, horrible, nightmare, and I feel for her kids. My friend's long term partner just ignores her, and her added drama baggage. You can't reason with the unreasonable, so I'd just carry on as you are tbh. Don't respond to her and her antics.

YANBU

Assuming that DSS isn’t a toddler you don’t need to get out the car at drop offs or pick ups. Just because she is your DHs ex, it doesn’t give her the right to be rude or abusive towards you. She sounds absolutely vile.

Are the children old enough to make arrangements directly with their father yet?

We bought DSS a phone last Christmas. DH had been texting DSS via it, which was met with 'if you want to communicate with your son you must do it through me' I guess you can't reason with crazy .....

It’s very important that DH continues to contact DSS directly. His ex has no right to insist that all communication goes through her. She sounds like the thought police from 1984 by being so controlling!

The backstory doesn't matter. Feeling justifiably pissed off about your marriage ending because someone had an affair, or being batshit irrational for no reason whatsoever - neither are relevant. The Ex could have every valid reason in the world to feel angry, but those reasons would not excuse screaming abuse at someone in front of a child.

The question was whether OP WBU to not get out of the car when she was feeling rough and fed up with Ex's behaviour towards her. Not whether Ex was justified in feeling enraged and venting.