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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my friend to do this (and pay her)

47 replies

Workreturner · 20/11/2018 06:41

Recently returned to work. It’s a senior role. Loving it but consuming.

I have a great nanny but she can’t do one day a week.

I had thought that I could wing that one day without a nanny and work in the evenings, but proving impossible.

I have a very dear friend who’s children go to the same school as mine. We are almost neighbours.

On Fridays both my children have an after school club. Neither of her children do.

What I was going to ask.

Every other week to take my daughter to her club straight after school. Would mean a 5 minute walk diversion from her home. Drop her off.

This would be a once a week occurrence.

She will say yes. She will say no to money.

However I want to pay, I really want to.

So how would this sound, I say I set up a standing order for a £10 every 4 weeks (so a fiver a drop off), and say it’s to cover a few coffees a month (she loves cafe coffees!)
Thoughts? Should I offer more?

Thanks

OP posts:

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 20/11/2018 07:22

Does she have a favourite charity..?? Lots of warm and fuzzies that Friday when not only is she helping out her friend but also helping research bowel cancer, or sponsoring a child in Albania....

Pythonesque · 20/11/2018 07:22

Unless perhaps her children would be interested in doing an after school club and don't because of money - if that were the case you could pay for (some of) the club, perhaps? I'm not certain how you'd find out about that tactfully though.

I have a friend who's done loads for me over the years (helping me sort out my house/life stuff). At one point I realised that I could do with some regular admin support and asked if she would be interested in doing an hour or two a week for payment - she wasn't. Finally I've had a fair opportunity for "payback", by doing some GCSE/A level maths tutoring for her children at a reduced rate - she insisted she had to pay something and I insisted X was all I would take...

Hideandgo · 20/11/2018 07:25

The legal risk😂

Bouchie · 20/11/2018 07:28

can you offer to do a night of babysitting once a month or have her dc for a sleepover or to play at the weekend as a swap?

feathermucker · 20/11/2018 07:28

Oh, behave about the legalities of paying friends for childcare 😉

These are nominal gift payments you're talking about and hardly likely to attract the attention of Mr Taxman 🙄🤣

Maybe some coffee shop vouchers, a Costa Card?

oatmilk4breakfast · 20/11/2018 07:30

I wouldn’t want a standing order...would make me feel I was working for you. Voucher to local coffee shop every now and then, offered in person or delivered to house would be lovely xx

feathermucker · 20/11/2018 07:30

Yes, maybe some reciprocal childcare or take her out for a meal?

ForgivenessIsDivine · 20/11/2018 07:36

This is a tricky situation because you either assume that her time is free and she can do this for a nominal sum and that she is happy to have your child along on the school run home which leaves her feeling put upon or you pay her which leaves her feeling that she is bound to you.

We should be able to trade favours to make each other's lives easier. In practice, it is a tighrope of a whole mix of emotions which I won't explore in detail here as only some of them will apply.

Could you offer her something useful and of similar value in return? Could you take her children to a regular weekend activity? Could you offer that your nanny does a school run for her one day in the week or to watch one of her children while they take another one to an activity? ... not quite the same as you are offering someone else's time instead.

When she is collecting your child, are you at work at this time away from home or is she facilitating a much larger amount of work time than the 5 minutes you imply? How much is that actually worth to you in salary terms or what it would cost for you to pay a professional to do this?

What is your partner doing to help facilitate your work situation? Could he work from home in the afternoon every second Friday and pick your daughter up from school?

Be careful of alienating a friend in return for your loving it but all-consuming senior role, fabulous nanny, just 5 minutes out of your way... treat yourself to a coffee won't you...

kaitlinktm · 20/11/2018 07:37

I’m happy to suck up the legal risk of paying my friend a tenner a month

She might not be though.

I agree - vouchers or gifts would be better. The payment seems really more for your benefit than hers.

RTFT · 20/11/2018 07:38

I think you need to ask her if she minds first!

rookiemere · 20/11/2018 07:40

Payment is so small it's a bit insulting to give to a friend and turns your friendship into a financial transaction for the sake of a tenner a month.

Ask her if there is anything you can do in return. If not then very generous Christmas and birthday gifts

Holidayshopping · 20/11/2018 07:50

What happens to your son on these days? What happens to both kids every other week when you’re not asking her for help?

I would have no problems asking a very close friend to do this. If she said yes, I would probably offer more than £10 though-so that it’s not just a crappy token amount and shows you really appreciate what she’s doing. If you don’t think she’ll accept your money, she’s hardly going to give you her bank details to set up a standing order either.

I’d give her a £25 Costa card every month.

manicinsomniac · 20/11/2018 07:51

I'd be tempted to go for vouchers too. Amazon or something that can be used for almost anything.

I'm curious about the illegality of paid for childcare. Does it include babysitting? I have a few 18-19 year old international gap year students in my workplace and they do loads of paid babysitting for me and other colleagues. Is that not ok?

Hoppinggreen · 20/11/2018 08:02

I would (and have ) happily do something similar for a friend
However, there is no way I would take money for it. In your shoes I would be the child to give her a box of choccies or flowers or something like that at the end of term, which is what a friend did for me when I was helping her with school runs every couple of weeks

howabout · 20/11/2018 08:14

Bet you are paid more than £10 per hour. Why is your DF worth less.
Agree insulting to seek to tie her in by financialising the relationship.
Much better if you can find a way to repay the time or share a skill set with her DC.

MumW · 20/11/2018 08:14

I've been in a similar but reverse situation, although I wasn't offered payment . I picked up a friend's child, with mine, every day and she came back to my house for half an hour or so until mum could collect her. I was more than happy to help although I was a bit narked not to have been given the odd bottle of wine, especially as she was in a position to help me out a couple of years later and she wouldn't.

If she's happy to help but won't take money, make sure you do plenty of thimgs in kind, doesn't need to be over the top but she needs to know she is appreciated.

pigeondujour · 20/11/2018 08:26

I'm childless and don't have any clubs on a Friday night and would still rather stick pins in my eyes than commit to something regular every other Friday. Fridays are sacred. I wouldn't assume she'll be happy to do it (actually, if it were me I wouldn't ask her at all, for fear of her feeling obliged.)

Antigon · 20/11/2018 08:29

I hope you stopped helping her too @MumW? She sounds like a taker.

Holidayshopping · 20/11/2018 08:30

Every other week to take my daughter to her club straight after school. Would mean a 5 minute walk diversion from her home. Drop her off.

This would be a once a week occurrence.

Is it once a week or every other week?

ushuaiamonamour · 20/11/2018 08:57

Myself, I'd be taken aback if you offered to pay and quite offended if you pressed the issue. (And I'd be disturbed if I knew you were assuming this would be a long-term favour, as you say you are.) If she's strapped for money, it's a different matter of course.

Moreoever as a couple of PPs have said payment would make a favour feel like an obligation. If you're senior management you have the problem-solving ability to come up with thank-you gift(s) other than cash.

Missingstreetlife · 20/11/2018 09:24

Mixing money, favours and friends is a bad idea. She will feel resentful.
Doesn't the school have an arrangement with the club, or an after school service you can use? Another parent in the club, use a childminder?
You can pay babysitters to care in your own home, you are still responsible, so do your checks. Au pairs covered by this. You cannot be paid to care for children in your home unless registered minder, lots of family members breaking this rule. After school care is a grey area, probably should be childminder if they go home with you. Also not sure what age these rules apply to, certainly for preschool.

MumW · 20/11/2018 16:17

@Antigon, unfortunately, my favour was whilst the girls were at primary school and I needed some occaisional help once they were at secondary school so I'd already stopped.

It turned out her DD was bullying my DD. It took me a long time to realise but she was a right CF. apple doesn't fall far from the tree

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