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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How is it PIL's business how much my DH earns?

39 replies

MilStrikesAgain789 · 19/11/2018 20:22

Step FIL said to my DH "Its nice you have a job that you enjoy but you should consider earning more for your family". AIBU to think it's none of their business?

OP posts:
Letsmoveondude · 19/11/2018 21:09

They shouldn’t know. But either way, you’ll have them sticking their oar in. Keep them out of the know, they don’t need to know your finances. It drives FIL trying to guess what we earn and what we spend on things. We flat out refuse to tell him.

pallisers · 19/11/2018 21:11

Don't answer their questions when they ask. I didn't tell my parents what I earned once I was independent.

If FIL says anything to you again look at him with concern and say "all this talk about money, I feel like you are about to ask me for a loan - are things ok?"

Aridane · 19/11/2018 21:12

Sounds like my darling grandfather!

fluffertothegentry · 19/11/2018 21:16

Stop sharing. You are giving them ammunition. They know too much about your lives. Back off a bit and give yourselves some distance.

This, in spades. They are feeding off you and you should make them go cold turkey or it will be something else next.

Original poster
MilStrikesAgain789 · 19/11/2018 21:18

Why doesn’t she want you trying for a baby? Because they/ mainly MIL thinks she has a say in every aspect of her adults childrens life, even if and when they have a baby. Was going to put another post up drip feeding MILs interference because I'm at the end of my tether with them because it really is everything (she even told my DH the maxiumum amount he should spend on an engagement ring (no more than 150)).

stop sharing I wish my DH would but he tells MIL everything because she is sooo nosy

Does she now know that you were pregnant? She was almost in tears asking how we will cope when we told her I was pregnant.

OP posts:
PanicwiththeBisto · 19/11/2018 21:21

I think its best to be vague if you think the information will be used against you at some point - whether to be asked for cash, or sneered at for not doing well.

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2018 21:26

My daughter is 21. I know what she earns, she knows what I earn. I would think something had went wrong if she stopped sharing as she got older, but I guess I wouldn't ask.

I think for me, they may be your in-laws, but they are his parents and he is their son.

Original poster
MilStrikesAgain789 · 19/11/2018 21:34

MIL wants to know about every asect of of life and DH tells her most of the time I think.
She thinks she has a say in everything, even minor things. She is very interfering and manipulative too, uses alot of emotional blackmail to try to get what she wants

OP posts:
ChikiTIKI · 19/11/2018 21:55

Hmm yeah my in-laws always ask questions like that too. If I asked them how much money they earned while they were working they would have been appalled at my cheekiness!

Not much you can do about it if your husband volunteers the information though. The more he tells them, the more they have to criticise.

It's a tough one, I think a lot of parents are like this. I suppose it must be hard to draw the line from seeing yourself as the responsible parent and then over time becoming equal adults.

My husband is looking for jobs at the moment and has 3 interviews lines up currently. He told me about all of them excitedly. I heard him talking to his parents on the phone and he only told them about 2 of them. I know he left out the other one because they would be judgemental and make a harsh remark and it's so sad. (The third job is a perfectly respectable one but not one that they would respect as much as it doesn't require a lot of academic background). All I can do is support him so he feels confident in doing what he loves, which is all around best for our family.

theatrelady · 19/11/2018 22:28

Are you sure that they're not secretly giving money to your DH?

Maelstrop · 19/11/2018 22:33

I'm afraid your DH is an idiot for telling her every detail, obvious. Why does he do this? She can ask, he does not have to tell her every personal detail.

diddl · 20/11/2018 07:46

"she even told my DH the maxiumum amount he should spend on an engagement ring "

I wouldn't think that that sort of thing really matters unless she sways him against what he was going to do.

" DH tells her most of the time I think"

That's obviously your problem-especially if what he tells her also concerns you.

I agree that it sounds as if he tells her so much that he wants her input on how to live his life.

Birdsgottafly · 20/11/2018 08:00

If your DH won't put bounderies up, there's nothing you can do to change things.

It doesn't matter what they should or shouldn't do. Your DH is facilitating this.

It would be better if your DH doesn't tell you what they have to say.

What would his reaction be if you put them in their place, when something is said in front of you?

MrsStrowman · 20/11/2018 08:06

My parents know how much we earn, in part because my dad was fretting a bit when we were renovating our house and paying for our wedding at the same time, DB is a bit more spendy than we are, flashy car etc and it felt like DF was on the verge of offering us cash to help out. So I told him our joint income that we were fine just saving, and that we'd taken on no debt to pay for the renovation or the wedding. He lets us pay for dinner when we go out sometimes now! Your FIL may be coming from a place of concern, MIL just sounds interfering

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