to be a Terrified Bride!

[TMsKittenHeels]

Posting on AIBU for traffic as wedding board is pretty quiet this time of year, so please be kind. I feel a bit silly to be in such a state about this but I need to share. Name change as I don't want to be outed or upset anyone I know.

Sorry for the long message but needed to get it all out of my system! I think I basically know the answers to my question, but I guess I am seeking some reassurance and also some specific tips from anyone who may have felt the same as me or been through this...

I am getting married in 3 weeks time! I am super happy to be marrying my DP, totally love him and can't wait to be married. We both agreed we wanted a low key wedding without all the fuss or traditions, but with all our friends there. However, in spite of my / our best efforts, I am sad to say that the wedding ran away with us somewhat. I so wish I'd known then what I know now and had put my foot down a lot more with family etc at the beginning of the planning process. However I allowed myself to agree to a few things just to people please. At the time I thought it wouldn't matter as still the majority of the day is what me and DP want, but as it gets closer I feel more worried. The wedding day is still fairly simple but there are a few things I wish I hadn't bothered with. For example there are about 20 guests too many (consisting of extended family / family friends I have never met, or only met a few times and I wish we had said no to inviting instead of allowing relatives to convince us). I hate the idea of virtual strangers watching our vows etc, or having to make polite small talk with people all day instead of being with people I am close to. Hope that doesn't sound selfish. Obviously I take full responsibility for inviting them in the first place and it is kind of them to want to come at all.

Also I am also not close to my family and nervous about having them in the same room as me / my friends etc. Also, my MIL is a bit OTT about losing her boy (as she sees it) and keeps crying - I am almost 100% sure she is going to cry all the way through our vows and I feel anxious that this will distract me / make me feel under pressure. She is also super traditional and hasn't approved of much of our plans and every time I see her she asks a million questions about wedding details, so I am also worrying that on the day she'll keep pestering about when this and that is happening etc. I've tried to politely suggest she chills out, and just enjoys the day but she wants to know every last detail! For some reason I'm not great with her pestering as it sometimes does make me feel claustrophobic (a symptom of having a controlling mother of my own) and the last thing I want to feel on my wedding day is stifled.

So, there's a lot going on, but basically I am scared and worried I won't enjoy the day. Above all, I am really not into the whole bride thing and hate having all eyes on me. I wish it was about 20 of our closest friends on a beach! Suddenly with it so close it feels so real (again not the marriage which is great, but the wedding itself).

I am nervous about being stared at, having to speak to people, having to keep smiling etc, having awkwardness between different groups, and the general weight of responsibility as 'hosts'.

Does anyone have any tips for the day on how I can get through this, or dare I say it, actually enjoy it? I am worried I'll drink one too many to keep my nerves at bay and that it not a good thing believe me!

I know I have brought all this on myself. I can't turn back the clock and scale down the guest list, and I don't want to have regrets. Can I find a way to enjoy it?

I have a suggestion for your mil, do you have any bridesmaids or close friends you can give the job of shielding you? They can be on mil question duty and distract her. Either that or tell her everything is supposed to be a surprise when she wants details

Also have a shot before to calm the nerves
And smile

I felt like you in the few weeks before my wedding; I wished I could cancel it and run off with DH.
However I did love the day; I had a glass of Prosecco getting ready which calmed my nerves and to be honest while we said our vows I wasn’t aware of anyone else as I was so focused. Also I didn’t really make small talk with the extra people; I said hello but then Moved on to my actual friends

I get like this plus I was eight months pregnant and super conscious of how I looked. But the day whizzes and you really only make polite conversation with when your closest friends as you have to mingle and circulate.

When it was the vows you focus so intently on what you have to say that it's as if no one is in the room.

But the best advice is what @Shoxfordian said about getting a mil shield

I'm not a great help tbh as we cancelled our wedding due to family and friends being idiots and I'm so happy we did now we are having a VERY small ceremony and it will literally be 11 of us.... all I can say is enjoy your day and ignore it all!!

If we knew before we got married, what we know now - we would have gone and got married just the two of us - absconded,whats the word lol

It is such a shame when worries about other peoples behaviour ruin the run up

We bent over backwards to make life comfortable for guests, paying for travel /outfits etc , asked for no gifts etc....but it seemed all everyone did was whinge...my family aren't close and parents left before the speeches,..people elbowing to get to the front of the food as it was being put out (buffet) before table 1 was even called out

I had my MIL kick me out of some of the photos so she could get them with her 'real' family (her son and siblings) and tell me I was stealing her baby.

Any future MIL do NOT do this. It is such a massive turn off. I had visions of me walking out telling her to fucking keep him then....and you never forget this bullshit decades on...especially when the only photo of 'our wedding' in her house is one I am not in. Hubby doesnt know this convo ever happened (lovely man that he is) he would just think it petty, but it pissed me off, on my wedding day to hear that shit. TBF my MIL is normally pretty nice I think she was over emosh on the day or something

But yeah, Number one rule of new MIL do not accuse your new daughter in law of stealing your 30 odd year old 'baby'...its fucking squeamish

The day went by in a blur of keeping everyone else happy and that felt the focus..being pulled from pillar to post and not feeling I had spent enough time with anyone

I am over the moon to be married to my love, all these years later but we do wish we had just gone off and done it on our own, without the build up, demands for months on end from guests, and being yanked about on the day

I agree with everyone else - you won't notice what's happening in room when you make your vows.

You'll be dressed up more than ever before in your life and you'll feel fantastic - nobody criticises the bride.

If you have any adult bridesmaids, it's part of their job to deal with things, you are not "the host" in any way that implies duties on the day. The guests, on the other hand, have a duty to make it a great day for you. So if there is any awkwardness between the two families, it's not your responsibility.

Oh, and MIL won't be the only one crying at the wedding. Once you get to a certain age, there's something about a young couple starting out on their married life which is guaranteed to bring tears to the eyes.

Remember it’s just a day - it’s the marriage that’s important!

I'm getting married in 3 weeks too and feel the same op. I'm dreading it if anything and can't wait for it to be over!

I got married 5 weeks ago and had a lot of same concerns as you.
Everyone being there, all eyes on me, known individuals causing dramas, like you our wedding grew arms and legs so was worried about things going wrong.

Then came the big day and I can honestly say that I did not give one fuck about anything. 😂😂

Soon as they day came I realised that it was all about me and DP and everyone else blurred out. Couldn't tell you if anyone was crying at ceremony as I was too focused on DH.

You will be stressed as fuck from here on in until the wedding but on the day you honestly won't care about anything other than marrying your partner!!!!

Good luck and have the best day xx

OP do you have a nice, polite but very firm bridesmaid? Make sure she knows what you're afraid of and shields you from it. Is there something you can trust MIL with to keep her happily busy? Perhaps you could task her with looking after (to begin with) the family guests you don't know? or dealing with the staff or whatever.
You will clearly be the centre of attention at the ceremony along with any bridesmaids and clearly your groom. After that - unless you have a first dance which I'd be surprised if you chose - most people will be sorting themselves out, chatting and eating.

Just relax, enjoy and just refer your MIL to your husband to be for any answers. Good luck

Eloped is the word, AiryFairy 😁 which is exactly what I did (divorced now but that's besides the point) we went to Gretna Green alone and it was lovely.

OP, your MIL sounds very annoying. The suggestion that you ask a bridesmaid to shield you from her on the day is an excellent one. I don't think you need to worry about 'hosting' most people know that it's your day and will want you to have a lovely day.

Also op remember you don't need to do any of the traditions if you don't want. So for example we chose not to have a first dance or cut the cake as I felt it was cringey and too showy for me. My mil wasn't happy about that but we told her before the day so she could control her disappointment

Honestly you'll have no need to make awkward conversation. You barely have the time to talk to your most loved ones on your wedding day and you'll be in a bubble of happiness. It flies by. I can see why your MIL worries you but you will probably barely speak to or notice her - and I guarantee you you won't be thinking about her when you take your vows!

I have one suggestion regarding your MIL. Get your fiance to sit down with her and go through everything in the minutest detail. Maybe even give her some printed sheets with it all on. Perhaps she has some anxiety going on and it may give her some comfort to know better what is going on plus ...well she’s his mother, let him deal with her. Constant badgering like that would make anyone feel put-upon so dont beat yourself up about it.

On the day, just concentrate on your dh - everyone else can fade into the background. Congratulations - it will be a wonderful day, I promise.

Could you give your MIL jobs to do on the day, to keep her busy / out of your way / she feels that she's helping?

You won't have to be 'hosts' to the people you don't really know. Honestly, it's more likely you won't feel you have enough time even to talk to the ones you really want to spend time with. You'll be focussed on getting married and I promise, the other stuff will just fade into the background. If you do have people you can trust, ask them to be alert to e.g. your MIL's antics and steer her away from you. But it'll be fine, OP!