To think my abusive ex has damaged me beyond repair?

[CaptainDamaged]

I hope this doesn’t come across as a sob story, it’s just something I’ve been thinking about the past few days and hoped you might be able to shed some insight as it’s not something I can really talk about with friends or family.

I have a beautiful 4 month old little girl who is the light of my life, I am honestly happiest when she is in my arms even if she’s screaming her head off. I sometimes have to pinch myself because it feels like such a dream having her, this tiny perfect little beautiful person who absolutely idolises me, depends on me, and loves me. I just wanted to put that out there because I know I am capable of love because I feel it with her, it’s just romantic relationships I seem to have a problem with.

My DD’s dad is honestly the best dad I could have ever hoped for my baby. He treats me so incredibly well and is very loving and supportive to both me and DD. We have only been together for 14 months, we fell pregnant really quickly but I wanted to keep her from the get go and he supported that. We’ve made it work, we have the house, the dog, a lovely routine and he makes me very happy, but I just don’t feel ..connected(?) to him in the way I have done previously, though that might be immaturity in my previous relationships.

I was engaged to a horribly abusive man until I caught him cheating on me 3 weeks before our wedding. I was completely infatuated with him, felt like I was lucky he even looked at me, all the while he was screaming at me, hitting me, shoving me, kicking me out at 2am, the works. He caused me to miscarry at 10 weeks last April and I still stayed with him. I’m not sure why the cheating was the line in the sand for me, but I packed up and left within 6 hours of finding out and haven’t really had much contact since.

I grew up with two neglectful alcoholic parents who would both disappear individually for days at a time. I was THAT kid who wore the same dirty clothes, would eat everyone’s scraps because there was never any food at home, I even had head lice from the age of 4 until 12 and even then I only got rid of them because I was sent to live with my aunt for a few weeks. Due to this, I am (or should I say was) very clingy and affectionate for fear of abandonment. The type to buy boyfriends lots of gifts and surprise them with things, cooking fancy dinners etc. My ex fiancé used to say I was like a loyal lapdog. I dont feel like I do this for my DP now enough. Maybe it’s because I’m secure with him, but I just worry that my ex has ruined me and my current DP will never get to experience that good side of me. :(

I’m not sure that was a good side of you, OP. It sounds like a desperate attempt to secure affection from people who didn’t deserve your love, or return it. ‘Loyal lapdog’ isn’t a sign of real love, it’s a sign of fear and subservience.

You’re in a better place now, with a partner who cares for you the way you deserve. I think it’s very likely that you don’t feel the need to go all out to impress him because you know he already likes you for who you are. I think this is a sign of trust and healing - that you know his love isn’t conditional on you spoiling him excessively, and don’t feel compelled to do so.

I’m so sorry for everything you’ve gone through. Have you had any counselling since leaving your ex?

It’s not surprising that you feel like something is missing with your current lovely stable partner. We’re hard wired to seek out familiarity and this is all new for you. But if you can get yourself comfortable with ‘nice and normal’ this is your chance for a happy life.

Stick with the new chap - he sounds like a loyal decent bloke. Might I suggest counselling to talk through your feelings about being a 'loyal lapdog'? Your past doesn't need to dictate your future and you are not hard-wired to become a 'bastard magnet'.

No ,Op, you are not ruined, but you will almost certainly have been damaged by your upbringing and experiences with your previous partner. You would be well advised to seek some counselling. Congratulations on your new partner and baby.

I would say your childhood means you equate negative attention with love

Being a loyal lapdog is not a good thing, the fact you dont feel the same way is good, its normal. The connection is a desperate need for attention you feel settled

The 'loyal lapdog' is NOT the good side of you, OP. The good side of you is the one that treats your partner like an equal human being, not like a lord and master.

You've been on a roller coaster of an emotional rude, breaking up with an abuser and falling in love again, getting pregnant what, 1 month into the new relationship, and now you are both dealing with a 4 month old.
You're talking bad about yourself, all this "my partner will never knowyou best side, my ex broke me" this is all a normal response to an incredibly intense emotional period.

I didn't feel ok in myself until about 1 year after our child was born. (I also left an abusive ex and found a good man who got me pg quite quickly! ).

You're a good person. You need to think positive. So you don't do whatever little things you used to do for your ex but im sure as hell you're a happier person to be around and your sense of humour will have been restored which are more important things.