To justify working "for nothing" until September 2019

[JosephineBucket]

I was planning on completing my secondary PGCE this year but decided to defer as I couldn't get DD(2) into DH's heavily subsidised work nursery, my mum was diagnosed with cancer and I had a relapse of depression (which was previously well managed.)

We are just about managing on DH wage + tax credits but I'm ready to go back to work and feel toddler will benefit from going to nursery. The problem is that after paying for childcare and reduction in tax credits I'll be more or less working for nothing and DH doesn't see it as worth it.

DH is otherwise very supportive but I'm having trouble making him understand we will benefit in other ways than financially. The nursery I would put DD in is expensive but extremely good(my brother sent his girls there), the job I'm applying for is term time only so I don't have to worry about childcare for older DC in school holidays and I think being a SAHM is no longer good for my mental health.

This is all theoretical until I get a job but I wouldn't want to go ahead without full support of DH so need some help in getting him to understand my position.

I worked at a loss from when DD started nursery at 8months to when the 30 free hours kicked in at the age of 3. Thankfully tax credits helped.

It was necessary for my mental health and career. I would not have been happy as a SAHM (fair play to those that are). DD was fine and has basically hit the ground running when starting school this year.

So, financially you'll be no worse off and you will be back on the work/carer track?

It is easy to see what you will gain.

What does he have to lose?
Why is he against the idea?

Why were YOU trying to get your child into HIS work nursery?

Your mental health and investment in your career should be high priorities for both of you.

When I was going back to work p/t after maternity leave and bemoaning the chunk of earnings that childcare was going to take, my OH suggested we should think of the childcare fees as coming out of his salary rather than mine. We have shared finances so it was an academic exercise, but it really helped me.

@CuriousaboutSamphire his workplace nursery is heavily subsidised so £23 per day as opposed to £50 and he could do nursery drop off and pick up freeing me to concentrate on college and placements.

I don't think he has anything to lose as such, just that he can't see the gain if we're not better off financially.

Work has many advantages not just financial. Usually there's a pension, recent reference, experience, shows children a work ethic etc. Wouldn't he rather have his children raised without state benefits ?

Why are you paying for the nursery? Surely you pay half, dp pays half so you will have money left

Why are you paying for the nursery? Surely you pay half, dp pays half so you will have money left

I took this to mean that after collectively paying for nursery that they won’t be any better off as a family than they are now?

DH isn’t understanding the benefits it will bring you personally in terms of financial independence if ever needed, pension contributions and doing a job you enjoy. He’s simply seeing it as a financial equation.

@Anythingforacatslife hopefully!it just frustrates me that i see it so much on here that it all appears to come out of womans money.

Like you say, there are so many benefits to get back to work, i think the OP should, but when she's considering jobs consider only hapf the nursery has to come from that wage

I’ve done it. Did a job for two years where all I got out of it financially was a small pension contribution, as childcare and other costs swallowed up my salary. But I needed to work, I needed to remember who I was beyond being Mummy, and it got me back into work and looked good on my CV. I think your reasons are perfectly valid - there’s plenty to gain beyond the finances.

@Anythingforacatslife has it exactly right - we don't have 'his' money and 'my' money, it's just that when I start work childcare will be another bill that will have to come out of family money.

I do think I contributed a bit to his attitude as one of the main reasons I was going to train as a teacher was that, with bursary and childcare grant, we would be nearly £1000 better off. I was happy to make sacrifices to be a SAHM but I want to be able to afford a holiday and the occasional treat.

*£1000 better off a month.

Never mind what your DH thinks. He's the one off out to work everyday, paying into his pension no doubt, and maintaining his cv and mental health without having to worry about the drudgery of childcare.
I worked 'for nothing' for two years whilst the DC were pt in nursery, the fees came out of the joint pot. DH didn't want to be at home 24/7 with young DC anymore than I did. Best decision I ever made. Now older, I have no regrets whatsoever, and they are bright independant teens who went off to school without any problem whatsoever. My pension is healthy, I maintained my work skills and social life and averted a mental health problem.
As a woman always think worse case scenario and always think long term.

Even as a purely financial transaction, it's worth it as it will increase your earning power in the future. In a few years time, when DC are in school and childcare costs are reduced, ask your husband which will be of most benefit financially a) you about to embark on a PGCE, with several years SAHM behind you and recent work experience b) you already with a PGCE and 2-3 years recent work experience

Your mental health should be the highest priority here, dh really needs to understand that.

the first two years I went back I was only doing it for my pension credits.
Do not underestimate the value of talking to another adult about non baby things.

Josephine I meant why was it you making the effort, why wasn't your DH talking with his employers trying to get his DD into his employer's scheme?

I can see that he wouldn't want to give up his effort free child raising... but I don't see why you seem to be acquiescing when you have already identified that not only do you not have a job or a career but are finding SAHM is not fulfilling you! That's nothing to be ashamed of, you can make other choices.

Basically, if YOU have reached the point where YOU are thinking more long term then YOU have to tell your DH that the long term pros outweigh the short term cons and that he needs to understand why he cannot realistically expect you to simply sit down and say "Yes, dear!" He needs to stop and think a bit more...

it just frustrates me that i see it so much on here that it all appears to come out of womans money

Isn't it just the household money? I find it unusual for married couple's have "his" and "her" money.

OP, if you want to go back to work then you should do so. Even if you are not much financially better off initially, hopefully you will have pay progression in the future which makes it more financially justifiable.

We had a good chat last night and I told him what I would gain from employment other than financial and he totally agrees. I think him focusing on money was just a knee jerk reaction and he didn't think of the implications.

I was perfectly happy being a SAHM when DD1 was in primary school as I was very involved with PTA there and school runs took up a lot of time too. As much as I hated them they gave a structure to the day I have lost since she went up to Secondary.

@CuriousaboutSamphire I see what you mean - I should have said we were unable to get her into his scheme. He had to apply as employee; I didn't have anything to do with it other than a visit to make sure I was happy with the setting.

DD turns 3 in the summer so will definitely get 15 hours free childcare and possibly 30. To be honest I don't want to wait until then to get back into work.

It's all theoretical until I actually get a job though!

@Alfie190 yes it is in theory, but th3 way posters describe it, it comes out of their whole salarywhich isn't true.

Also, i plan to never have all 'family money'. Me and my partner will carry on as we are when we get married, some goes into joint rest we earn we keep ourselves

Fab that your dh is on board with your plans OP
Good Luck!

Filling out the application form really brought home how much my career has been impacted by my career break. I have no professional references from before I had children due to time passed and changes within the organisations and work since has been part time in retail and care. I don't even want to think about how little private pension I have.

I have an interview which I am both terrified and excited about but DH is fully on board and I feel really good going forward.