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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that I'm a cowardly shit not to call a mum out in a shop for being extremely aggressive to her kid?

53 replies

DonkeyHotei · 19/11/2018 16:42

So I'm in a tiny pharmacy, a queue of 6 or 7 people at the til and a mum (presumably a mum) comes in with a pre-teen boy, sits him at the seats by the door and then proceeds to speak to him in the most aggressive manner imaginable about not touching the button with the wheelchair motif on it, the one which potentially opens the door if you're in a wheelchair. He hadn't actually touched the button; it was a pre-emptive in case he did. But the way she said it was so unbelievably aggressive: loud, with real anger, threatening language, swearing etc. As I left the shop and drove home, I thought about all the things I could have said: "why are you speaking to your son in such an aggressive way? ....it sounds really horrible and frightening for him....I know i can't stop you from speaking to him like that but I am allowed to have an opinion on it (or am I?)....the way we speak to our kids directly affects the people they will become, and if you bring him up with aggression like that, and as a result of that he comes an aggressive adult, then society as a whole bears the brunt of that. Furthermore, if you unashamedly speak to him like that in public, God knows how it is behind closed doors..." etc. etc. But instead I said jack-shit, mainly because I'm a coward and didn't want to interfere in case that would be embarrassing for me. Is it acceptable/desirable to stand up for the weaker members of society when they are being (what seemed like) bullied? Or is it none of our business? And if it's none of our business, where is the line drawn: if she hit him? Of course I do get that she may have been having a bad day, he may have been playing up etc and she was at the end of her rope etc. But the level of aggression directed at this boy seemed really inappropriate. WWYD? Thoughts?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 19/11/2018 17:36

i like the idea of breaking the flow too

FekkoThePenguin · 19/11/2018 17:37

Just be safe! There are some crazy people out there!

formerbabe · 19/11/2018 17:39

It's hard to judge without being there and whilst it doesn't sound great, I agree you have no idea about the behaviour leading up to that point.

Pre teen boys test the patience of a saint!

AcrossthePond55 · 19/11/2018 17:40

Sometimes a pointed 'look' can say more than 1000 words. To speak up may invite the person to turn on you (or make it worse for the child) but a certain look of shock/disapproval might make someone think about how they appear to others without inviting direct response.

ProfFekkoThePenguiPhD · 19/11/2018 17:41

You dont want the anger turned back on the child - ‘look what you did - you made me look bad’.

Original poster
DonkeyHotei · 19/11/2018 17:52

Now I'm confused about all these Fekkos and Professor Fekkos! Are you the same family? What is this Fekko thing? I've just tried googling, but it doesn't appear to be a known "thing".... Confused Grin So fekking baffled....

OP posts:
Greyeye · 19/11/2018 17:55

I posted something similar a few months ago and the advice given was that intervention would not have helped.

Basically, a woman outside the local supermarket kept screaming at her small child and threatening to smack him "again". She had obviously smacked him already that day Angry

I was horrified. Did nothing. Seems there wasn't much I could do to stop a stranger physically and emotionally attacking her child. I was upset then and I am upset now, so I completely understand your feelings.

WorraLiberty · 19/11/2018 17:58

Sorry 00100001 I read your post wrong and thought you were excusing the adult's behaviour.

I totally agree the OP was right not to get involved.

Original poster
DonkeyHotei · 19/11/2018 18:01

Greyeye that sounds awful. It's so hard isn't it, especially as the moment is over so quickly, but your thoughts around it continue for a long time after. Thankfully one day those kids will be old enough to walk away from the parents that abuse them. But it's just a question of how much damage has been done before that point....

OP posts:
ProfFekkoThePenguiPhD · 19/11/2018 18:05

It’s all me. I’m fekko fluid these days

WorraLiberty · 19/11/2018 18:07

This could have been me a few weeks ago (apart from the swearing) after having an hour's worth of shit from DS. What people wouldn't have seen is me beforehand treating him to a game for handling a personal thing so well and having it absolutely thrown back in my face and abysmal behaviour and awful attitude towards others which I won't accept.

So you wont accept abysmal behaviour and awful attitude towards others, but you think it's ok to be "unbelievably aggressive: loud, with real anger, threatening language" towards your child, as long as you played the game with him that you bought, he apologies and you both hug it out?

That has to be confusing for any child ADastardlyThing

iIcouldsleepforaweek · 19/11/2018 18:13

Totally agree with @Branleuse on this. You cannot judge a parent by witnessing one minute of their day. Also agree with the interrupting idea. Honestly, my dad was and still is a wonderful man and father who loved and cared for us so well as children, but one of the only times in 30 odd years I ever saw him 'lose it' was when he took us to the carnival when I was around 8. My brother, sister and I were high as kites on sugar and excitement and were being pretty badly behaved. My dad had been working 7 days for weeks on end to save up for our first family holiday abroad (which came later in the year) and my mum had ended up unwell that evening so my Dad gave in to our pleads to take us to the carnival for a few hours after dinner. I can't quite remember what we were doing specifically but I remember being in a queue and my dad warning us several times before finally snapping - and I mean he SNAPPED. He shouted so unbelievably loud and I remember bursting into tears in shock as he never shouted at us. I always remember him apologising to us in the car on the way home. Point is, you simply can't make a judgement like that based on what you saw. As an adult, I can totally understand that my dad just flipped with stress and tiredness and trust me, it didn't do me any harm- if anything I learned that even he had a limit

blackteasplease · 19/11/2018 18:15

She would probably habe just shouted at you before going back to shouting at her kid.

Original poster
DonkeyHotei · 19/11/2018 18:16

@ProfFekkoThePenguiPhD And why is there no "n" in your pengui-n? Is a penguip just a fekking new type of trendy penguin? As if my moral dilemmas weren't hard enough, you now have to throw this at me?!

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 19/11/2018 18:16

I have had a go at people for smacking their kids many times btw. Not sure it's done any good at all

ProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 19/11/2018 18:16

I didn’t have my reading glasses on and my screen is teensy!

Original poster
DonkeyHotei · 19/11/2018 18:18

@fekkoPhD ....I geddit....is this just your quixotic way of getting me back for being inappropriately 'hotei'?

OP posts:
LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 19/11/2018 18:19

Nah- just blind as a bat!

WorraLiberty · 19/11/2018 18:19

Totally agree with @Branleuse on this. You cannot judge a parent by witnessing one minute of their day.

You can certainly judge the parent's bullying behaviour, because that's exactly what the OP describes.

Original poster
DonkeyHotei · 19/11/2018 18:20

But back to the more serious issue...taking on all the points, I think the best one for me is the suggestion, in these scenarios, to de-escalate by asking for change, or something similar. It has the effect of breaking up the situation, but without judging or making it worse, so that's what I'll do if I ever find myself in that situation again.

OP posts:
ADastardlyThing · 19/11/2018 18:29

"So you wont accept abysmal behaviour and awful attitude towards others, but you think it's ok to be "unbelievably aggressive: loud, with real anger, threatening language" towards your child, as long as you played the game with him that you bought, he apologies and you both hug it out?

That has to be confusing for any child ADastardlyThing"

I don't believe I said it was ok, tbf though I don't equate "loud with anger" as being unbelievably aggressive. I didn't threaten him either.

Yea......., my experience was probably totally irrelevant reading the op back Blush

WorraLiberty · 19/11/2018 18:33

Ahh ok Dastardly fair enough Grin

GottaGoGottaGo · 19/11/2018 18:42

The thing is, your "most aggressive / loud" etc is subjective. My lovely friend has the most loud, harsh and aggressive natural speaking voice you can imagine. If she was singing Twinkle Twinkle it would sound like she was screaming at you. Her kids (10 and 8) are used to it, it's just the way she sounds. They are also quite naughty and she would have to warn them not to push the disabled access button.... When she is telling her boys to behave it sounds like she is is about to send them into next week. She is not, she loves them fiercely and they love her but if you were to butt in and tell her she was treating her boys badly, well oh my word, you would deservedly get a mouthful.

As others have said, you are seeing just a few seconds of life. Be careful not to judge too harshly for one day it might be YOU at the end of your tether and being remonstrated with. How would that make you feel?

Unless of course you have half a dozen amazingly behaved children that you have raised to adulthood without ever losing the plot. In which case, my hat off to you, I apologise because you are truly amazing, feel free to go ahead and butt in! Grin

ForalltheSaints · 19/11/2018 18:47

There were others in the pharmacy, perhaps some of them older women. So objecting to the foul language would have been reasonable.

Gingerrogered · 19/11/2018 18:59

I would have a word with the pharmacy. Did any of their staff see it? In these days of electronic prescriptions, they should be able to track him down easily enough. It could provide the missing piece of the jigsaw which gets him help. At the very least it's a mother struggling who needs support. The other explanation is that she's not his patent, she's his carer, how would you feel if someone saw your kid being treated like that by a carer and said nothing?

I'm biased on this though. I was quite badly abused as a child. One day I was in a cafe with my mother and she was saying the most horrific, awful, vicious stuff to me. A woman at the next to us got up as she was leaving and asked her how she could speak to her own child like that and told her she didn't deserve children.

It was one moment in years of gaslighting and abuse when someone said it was not all in my head, that it was not normal and okay or my fault. I wish I knew who she was so I could thank her.