Any carers out there?

[Daringtodream2]

Just looking for some shared experiences and some support.

I'm in my late 20's and have been caring for my grandparents for the last eight years pretty much full time, prior to this I would pop in almost every day starting from my mid teens. My father is their only surviving son so the immediate family is quite small. My siblings don't get involved as they are not as close to them as I am.

They are quite proud people and do not want carers coming in and have refused to go to day centres so that I can have a break. They will definitely not consider residential care which worries me if things get more demanding.

Currently I do all the day to day things such as cook, food shop, clean, wash clothes, take them to appointments etc etc. It sometimes gets a bit overwhelming and I want more of my own life but I feel very trapped. I love them dearly and that's why I do it, but at the same time I want my own life. I feel like I didn't choose to have this responsibility as I would have done had I had children for example. I'm currently single and doing this full time. I have a lot of work experience and also a first class degree in what most people would class as a solid subject. I feel like I'm wasting away here :(. I often get very anxious and quite low.

Does anyone else care for relatives at my age or similar? How have you coped?

Try the MN elderly parents thread for sympathy and advice.

Of course they don't want carers in when the have your to do it, but what you're doing isn't sustainable long term. Either you will become very resentful, or the caring burden will become too much for a single person to manage, or both.

I think this isn't fair on you OP, you shouldn't have to do all these things, but I understand that of course you love them dearly and want to help but i fear this will be at detriment to your life and potentially your mental health, could you contact your local carers centre, also the carers association. You need a break, could you discuss this with your grandparents? What about your dad, does he help with the care

This all sounds hugely stressful! I know you are doing it out of love, but even if they don't realise it, your grandparents are taking advantage of you and are stopping you living your own life. You don't say how old they are, but my DF is now 90 and wouldn't have me doing all this for him. I think Mere has a good suggestion about posting on the other forum. Can you get some advice from Social Serivces? Years ago I remember my Grandfather resisting getting help in from outside the family, and yet when he moved into a residential home he loved it and wished he'd moved in years before. It's probably fear of the unknown on their part, and tbh you're making it very easy for them to resist. You simply must put yourself first - your in your 20s, what happens if this is still going on in 10 years? Do you want a family of your own? A career? I used to work in a benefits role and dealt with carers: there were times when it used to really upset me, seeing these young people caring for relatives who refused any other help, effectively trapping their young carer into continuing to care for them.

If you ever need to talk pm me. I started caring at 12 for my mom moved onto my gran until she passed when I was 27, had 3 years peace and now care for my husband. Yeah, I've got the t-shirt, jeans, dress - heck the entire wardrobe.

Hugs

Whenever I discuss how I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and that we need some support they say 'we will sell all this and go somewhere'. If they actually wanted to do that they could but they won't. I feel like they do it to manipulate me. My dad is very good and visits most days but he lives with his partner and is somewhat removed from the situation.

They say of relatives who don't visit 'they are nothing to us, they do nothing for us'. This makes me worry that if I take a step back, this is what they will think of me :(. This is what stops me from putting myself first as I think my self worth has become wrapped up in all of this.

Yes, you love them but you must also take care of yourself. I would suggest looking at the forums on Carers UK website - much support and encouragement to get yourself in a better position - you do not have to give up your own life for their benefit and it is very selfish of them to allow you to. At some point you may just have to put your foot down and refuse to do it any more, or as much, for your own well being - mental and physical.