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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To continue secret santa when two of family don't want to?

14 replies

Northernlass99 · 19/11/2018 13:39

There are eight adults in the family including 2 parents, 3 grown up children and their 3 partners. We live quite far apart. We used to all buy a xmas prez for everyone.

Now we are all older and various kids have come along so for the last few years we have bought for the kids, but done secret santa for the adults, at £25 each. We also give each other suggestions and hints of things we might want for our secret santa, which is co-ordinated by someone different each year, and we exchange when we meet up before xmas. This is super easy and stress-free - one present with some hints given. No more trailing around the shops or hours on amazon thinking what I give my weird BIL. Give something that is wanted, receive something you are likely to like, a little treat you probably wouldn't buy for yourself, no waste or disappointment. I think it works brilliantly.

However one of the in-laws has said he doesn't think its right, doesn't want to do it (but will do if that is what we all agree). He thinks we should get more into the joy of xmas and either do a total surprise secret santa gift or buy everyone an individual gift. One other person has agreed with him but the rest want to continue. Trouble is we are not very imaginative and when people have gone off plan before it has not worked out well (ie people have not liked their gifts).

I am organising it this year, so if 6 want to continue but 1 or 2 don't AIBU to think majority wins? And we just carry on and they suck it up? Trouble is at xmas I will know that two people don't really have their heart in it.

Am I being a miserable cow (I am) or just practical? I don't want to do no gifts, that would be even more miserable. WWYD now?

OP posts:
NewPapaGuinea · 19/11/2018 13:44

Democracy wins here, but why not have the “hints” as optional? If someone wants to get a complete surprise then they just ignore the hints.

Antigon · 19/11/2018 13:48

YANBU. They can do their own thing.

SaucyJack · 19/11/2018 13:49

Maybe he should just remove himself from the SS. It’s not his family is it? I’m sure he can cope with one less present if he hates the thought of having his MIL buying him a DVD he actually wants so much.

Don’t let him ruin it by going off-piste and buying some novelty shite for someone who’s bought a thoughtful wanted gift for their own recipient.

Fridaydreamer · 19/11/2018 13:52

Just do SS with 6 of you then. Easy.

minisoksmakehardwork · 19/11/2018 13:59

Are the two who are reluctant related by marriage and do any of them have children?

I think sometimes people feel like they're not getting much for Xmas when you are a (for example) childless couple when you buy presents for the kids and secret Santa for the adults.

Using your tradition, in our family, I have 4dc. My bil has one adult child. He is married but they don't have kids.

So my 4 dc all get a present from everyone - grandparents, auntie and uncle, Us. For arguments sake, 12 presents under the tree for them.

The rest of us do secret Santa so 2 extra presents under our tree - 14 in total. Grandparents and in-laws get 2 under their tree. Adult niece gets one.

Do you see how, if you have a person driven by materialism, it might look unfair?

minisoksmakehardwork · 19/11/2018 14:04

And I'm sure there is no obligation for them to participate. Just don't be guilted into spending money where you wouldn't otherwise. Eg everyone buying them a present each.

onthenaughtystepagain · 19/11/2018 14:07

So those who want to do this sensible thing carry on doing it and the others don't and sit there presentless, I certainly wouldn't be blackmailed into buying them something.

Northernlass99 · 19/11/2018 14:08

The person complaining has the most children, I have the least!

I think he just loves xmas and all that goes with it (the joy of giving etc) whereas I just try and get through it and constrain the materialism!

OP posts:
RangeRider · 19/11/2018 14:11

So whoever he buys for ends up with a present they probably don't want just because he's awkward? And a Very Happy Christmas was not had by all.

beeefcake · 19/11/2018 14:24

YABU because secret Santa is the devils work. It always ends in tears.

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 19/11/2018 14:43

Why don't you have a Secret Santa for those who want to take part but don't limit it to just that?

Say that anyone who wants to buy outside of the Secret Santa can, it's their money to spend how they want to, but not to expect reciprocal presents.

minisoksmakehardwork · 19/11/2018 15:54

Fair enough then. Let them do what they want but don't let them dictate to you what to do. If that means they get nothing or just a £4 family tin of chocolates then so be it.

Northernlass99 · 19/11/2018 16:04

Thanks all, reflects what I thought. Just wondered if I was BU to foist it on the unwilling.
Think I'll say we will continue but if you just want a surprise then thats fine and if you don't want to do it at all thats fine too.

Then I will fix the draw so they get DF who will buy them an awful present and then see how they like surprises!

OP posts:
CondomsLubricantAndFlapjack · 19/11/2018 16:11

Forget it and just do pressies for the children.

As an adult there is nothing I want and would struggle with ideas and hints. My idea of hell.

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