To ask you to talk some sense into me r.e kids and school. How do yours react etc?

[HellenaHandbasket]

My kids have both just started school after a few years of home education. The 8 yr old drove the decision, and after a few wobbles is now very happy and settled in yr 4, having started in Sept.

The 6 yr old started 10 days ago in yr 2, first time at school. He was nervous but wanted to go. He always comes out very happy, is making friends and progressing. The school is lovely.

But mornings are still not going well. We have gone from looking a bit down and reticent, to me chasing him down the road today.

I think it is more stubbornness than sadness, and have been staying very calm and loving with him.

I am stuck between two camps at the moment, my 'school' friends who insist this is normal and let him get on with it, don't give it a second thought type thing and my friends still home educating who think I am damaging him somehow by pushing this.

I know I will get honest answers here! Did your kids go through similar? Or is he unusual in his feelings? I appreciate that the majority of kids will have been through this adjustment to separation earlier, but home ed worked very well for us when we did it but it is now time to move on.

What do you reckon? Is he normal? Will this sort of thing damage him in some way? Do I stick with my normal technique of 'bright and breezy' at drop/peel off and then don't allude to it at pick up or should I be encouraging him to talk about it more etc?

Give yourself a target, after Xmas maybe, and review it then

My nephew was a reluctant starter at school, despite older brother having led the way two years previously: tears every morning etc. Then just as he was settling in, along came one of those freak winters where everybody was snowed in (they're out in the country) and school had to be shut (loos frozen solid, impossible journey for half the staff) and the concept formed in his little mind that, if he held out for long enough, the whole thing would go away.....so he was really put out when normal service was resumed! He was just a homebody by instinct.He whinged every morning without fail, despite thriving academically, finding some lovely friends, becoming a mean saxophone player, Head Boy in Year 6, good reports at every Parents' Evening, etc. Embarrassing for Mum who was a primary teacher herself.
Then, at the end of Year 6, on his last day at primary school, he cried because he didn't want to leave. My friend is a peaceable, placid woman, but I think that day she was ready to strangle him....
He later did a solo trip round the world in his gap year, has his own bachelor pad in London and now regularly travels abroad for his job, so I can reassure you that homebodies can eventually get over it.
If you are sure that there is no major problem once he's there, just hang on in there, possibly encouraging playdates and emphasising that school is the place where he will see that friend again.
Would a small transitional object help? A little bit of home to take with him?
And I do agree with PP's who are happier at home, even if they enjoy their job!

It’s perfectly normal, especially in a child that is more anxious generally and more attached to you.

I have three DC in primary school. My eldest has always been the most independent and carefree so school never bothered him. Youngest is also quite carefree but did go through a short phase in reception of running around the playground insisting she wouldn’t go into school- embarrassing for me chasing after her, she would then fling herself on the floor and proceed to tantrum until the teacher helped her up. She has never experienced anything like this since and has moved schools this year without hiccup. Middle DD however, totally different. She was still crying going into the new school up until a fortnight ago, she’s seven and in year three for reference. She’s always been the most clingy if you like and definitely the most anxious so I would expect this from her.

It’s usually just down to your child’s temperament, it can take time to settle in.

I can bring a different perspective,as I HE one child, and one goes to school.

I love HE, I love that we are together and doing fun things but, ideally, I would prefer her to go to school and have a 'normal' life.

I do think if he is happy at home time, then he is doing ok. Give it more time.

M DS will kick off sometimes, but I know school is the right place for him, so we have a chat the night before about expectations and that seems to really help. I tell him I cannot deal with his moaning, making up illnesses and the like, so 'Tomorrow, could we please have a pleasant morning?' and then we usually do. Do you think that might work for you and your DS?

Another home educator that says give it more time!

That said for six years I had one in school, one out. Different children different needs. We were HE and one chose school, the other has always been happier home ed.

Something that really helped my youngest ds when he didn’t want to go in at first was to make a little plan with him for after school and remind him of it on the way in, always starting with, ‘At half past 3 when I collect you we will...’. It was never a big thing, maybe we will call at the park on the way home, I will bring you a biscuit, I will bring teddy to walk home with us. I think the reassurance that I was definitely going to be there at half past 3 really helped. Sounds a bit mad written down!

DS2 was like this at six. He was fine in school, just didn't like the transition. It passed.

It took a good 4 to 5 weeks for my DDs reception class to all start skipping in to class without looking back. Some still do now but it's rare. I was surprised how long it took to settle in. She occasionally tells me she hates it and doesn't want to go in, but she comes out beaming and the teacher laughed (nicely) when i said I was worried DD wasn't settling as apparently she's always very happy in class!!

Give it more time.

Agree it's very early days. Sounds like on the whole things are moving in the right direction.

Today he came out fine, went and played and having battled to get him in it was a right battle to leave again.

Teacher said he is fine during the day, no wobbles or tears. She said she sees him laugh and play at breaks, but that he is quiet and while not sad, doesn't seem overtly happy during lessons. He's not a loud boy though, so think that may be normal?

If I mention things about later on in the week about school he speaks about it fine, but every now and then out of the blue will just say loudly that he doesn't want to go, or that he's not going.

I've stuck to saying that's normal, that everyone feels that way some days but that he is going. Then he looked at me and said "when I told you I wanted to go I said the wrong thing, I meant I didn't want to go".

He's a happy little soul at the moment, not permanently miserable like his sister when we made the decision to take her out.

Big kid parenting is way harder than babies 😂

I have had a year of issues with my yr1 dd not wanting to go in. Totally happy once she was in but didn't want to leave me. Her teacher found her special jobs if she went in with no fuss, within a week I wasn't even getting a goodbye and she was first in the classroom!

He was ok coming out yesterday, but kicked off at bedtime. Refused to go today. No tears, but took uniform off and put own clothes on. Took him in with uniform in a bag. Had to carry him in where teacher took him. Last saw him sitting at his desk a little teary. They assure me that he is fine during the day, and that this is normal. For normal it sure feels hard!

What is working for my 4-year-old at the moment is picking her up at lunchtime and dropping her off again for the afternoon session. She's a very happy and confident little girl, but she's not yet happy to be away from me for the full school day. I'm a sahm at the moment so it's easy to do. I appreciate that it will be impossible once I'm back at work...but hopefully she'll happily go all day by then.

Not sure if this will help OP but my old ndn had similar with her little boy, she drew a little smiley face on the inside cuff of his jumper with a Sharpie, so he could have 'a mummy smile' anytime he wanted during the day this was when he went into reception but your Ds is at a similar transition point

Those are sweet ideas

How about a toy / sticker / pencil that he can look at, to remind himself of you, when you're not there en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comfort_object

Another voice saying this is very normal for starting school, you’re just getting it later than most of us and 6yo are harder to distract and persuade than lots of 4yo so you are probably getting it tougher too.

I think consistency is key, eg it’s great you still took him in this morning as otherwise you are likely to end up with a problem for a lot longer.

My ds started reception in September. This morning he had tears because he wanted to wear his own clothes. He would still rather be at home with mummy - I’d still rather be at home with him! - and he complains that the weekends are too short / we are counting down to holidays. But he has friends and always comes out happy, he is learning things so I know he is settling fine.

It’s harder on us than them, as they settle after 5 mins but we spend the whole day worrying.

The other children have been going to school for longer so they are settled into the routine and they don't really see that there is any alternative. Your child knows there is a more familiar, comfortable alternative- he was doing it only 2 weeks ago.
Your child is still adjusting to a big change and he's probably out of his comfort zone. Lots of kids take much longer than 10 days to settle- the fact he is slightly older is irrelevant. It's new to him and he is still adjusting and is nostalgic for those days of pootling around with you/ home ed. The only way he will get used to it, is by carrying on going so that it becomes his new comfort zone...
You need to keep going for much longer to give it a fair chance.

Do I stick with my normal technique of 'bright and breezy' at drop/peel off and then don't allude to it at pick up or should I be encouraging him to talk about it more etc?

Absolutely the latter on this. Encourage him to talk and let him know that you are always available to discuss his feelings. It doesn't mean you can't be 'bright and breezy' at drop off and pick ups but if anything about the situation could e damaging it would be if he gets the impression that you are not available to really talk through everything he is feeling, that you won't really listen to him and discuss the situation fully. It doesn't mean you have to do everything he wants but you have to be someone he can talk about to. Whatever is making him sad/reluctant is obviously huge to him but it could also be something that small adjustments could alleviate. You can't know if you don't encourage him to talk.

I was a home educator last year for DS's first year of school. I made the choice to keep him out of school and let him continue a couple of afternoons a week in his pre-school even though he was nearly 5 at the start of the school year. I was very happy with home education and would have continued with it all through his schooling if he'd wanted. But he wanted to try school so that's what he's doing now. He was never a morning person, even as a tiny baby he always stayed up late and slept until later in the morning, so I was very apprehensive about the routine. It took adjusting but DS wanted to go to school very badly so had to accept that if he wanted to go to school, he had to start going to bed early and getting up early. For a few weeks "I hate school nights" was his motto and I made it clear that it was up to him, if he wanted to go to school, school nights were necessary. But I also listened to the things that really bothered him and we've come up with various rituals that make bedtimes and mornings a pleasure. We watch a cartoon series together, at the moment it's the new She-Ra. Every night we watch an episode in bed and in the mornings, I get up early, make breakfast and we eat it as we watch another She-Ra episode). Then we get dressed and out the door. It's super chilled out and makes our mornings feel special. It's the absolute opposite of how I envisioned school nights/mornings but it makes them an absolute pleasure that we look forward to instead of dread and plough through.

To deal with him missing me, we have a tradition where on the last day of any holiday, we have a special day, just us. We go out for breakfast (usually at a nearby motorway service station where we have our pick of breakfast food from the various outlets and DS plays in the play area). Then we go to a movie/bowling/the lake/etc whatever he chooses. So even though we'll be apart when he's at school, we have amazing times to remember and look forward to.

It's the listening to him aspect that's important. A way of acknowledging that, even though he's gaining a lot, he is also losing something he enjoyed by going to school. But by talking about it, we've found compromises that not just mitigate those losses but are lovely in their own right.