DD & SIL/ kids/ contact/ access/ weekends

[HellsGrandma]

My DD going through a hard time with her DS, her partner is a poor parent, as in does not know how to speak to DSS [step son] without being offensive and upsetting him. Most recently my SIL has smashed up my GS's phone and xbox and actually hit him! A grown man hitting a child and smashing his stuff up! Well, DD has sent SIL out of the house, chosen her DS over him and has ended the relationship over SIL's treatment of GS and his poor treatment of her too over the years, it's all come to a head really and this latest incident is the final straw. Now SIL is demanding every weekend access to his DS [not the one he has mistreated, that's his step son], each weekend makes it unfair in my DD as she just has school days etc and will miss out on the many family friendly weekend events where they live and before you say 50/50, he has no interest in 50/50 just weekends and no he doesn't work, he is pretty useless and living with his long suffering mum and dad again. There is no AIBU, I just want to hear about how access/contact has worked for you please.

I say SIL son in law but they aren't married.

Err, I wouldn’t be allowing any unsupervised contact with a parent like who is physically violent.

Your DD needs to go and get some proper legal advice.

Your Dd needs proper legal advice.

He can demand what he likes doesn’t mean he gets it. Could she offer him a long weekend every other week. So gets picked up by dad after school on Thursday and mum picks him up on the Monday afternoon from school? Doesn’t matter if he just wants to be a Disney dad. Offer him that and if he refuses what can he do other than go to court which won’t get him every weekend.

I think every other weekend plus a day (or two depending on circumstances) in the week is more usual. So it's not "normal" as such for any parent to get all the weekends. Courts will be aware that the weekend is the quality time.

But if he is a poor parent he might not even get that if the court think he isn't capable.

It's very case by case and obviously we don't have all the info about his relationship with his own son.

You dd really needs legal advice on this (I'm a lawyer but not a family lawyer so my only knowledge of this is from my own divorce)

I meant to add, if he's a risk of being violent to his own ds he might not get unsupervised access.

No personal experience of this but just looking at friends who have seperated/divorced;

-Every other weekend so both parents get non school days with children
-A day or two in the week
-Supervised access for a while first if one parent has been known to have been violent towards child/mother.

I hope your DD is okay.

If he's been violent to his step son, she needs to seek advice from social care, they may have a view on whether this man should have any unsupervised contact with his son at this point.

Given the history I think I would be wanting a court order in place before he had any access. That way your dd can ensure her son is returned after contact. I would also be looking for supervised access from what you say about violence but she should definately seek legal advice, through women's aid etc if needed.

But no she does not have to agree to every weekend and certainly shouldn't even initially as it creates a pattern before it gets to court. How old is the child?

Well done to your DD!

She should report the physical violence to her DS to the police.

And she doesn't have to allow her ex any contact unless he has a court order.

Even if he gets access it shouldn't be every weekend but every other weeekend. The resident parent needs time with dc too.

How old is his DS and what sort of a bond does he have with his Dad?

What are the ex's Parents like and do they have any relationship with the children?

In usual circumstances your DD would have to get over not having both children every weekend. Children have a right to a relationship with their Parents/wider Family.

Is he likely to go to Court?

The violence needs to be reported to SS and they need to investigate and agree, otherwise if your daughter goes to court it will be seen as your daughter lying. Unfortunately due to the women who lie to try and keep their ex partner away from their children, courts are wise to claims of violence without any proof.

"Unfortunately due to the women who lie to try and keep their ex partner away from their children, courts are wise to claims of violence without any proof."

There's no evidence to support that.

There's more mistakes made and children /ex Partners killed and Injured because contact was granted.

Like DV/marital rape etc it's near impossible to prove. The Courts haven't caught up with the knowledge base arpu d these matters.

What is usual is that the Woman has lived with a level of violence etc and feels too ashamed to admit what went on, sometimes out of fear of having SS involved.

All this bullshit about Women lying and brainwashing children needs to die out. We know the extent of male abuse in every Society, so stop peddling this lie.

I would encourage you dd to go to the police about the violence against you dgs so he is held accountable and there is also a paper trail if the violence against a child.
I would then let him persue acess and get dd to get a lawyer to make a safe plan for the child in question he wants contact with.

Thanks for your replies. I've spoken to my DD and every other weekend and in the week on the non weekend weeks sounds like something to think about before making any decisions. Youngest GS is 8 and relationship with dad is ok but dad has never let him do anything [other than school] without him present [even though at home he sends him to his room to play roblox alone] no birthday parties or days out with me and his siblings, not that that's relevant, just me annoyed at SIL about that. SIL is from a family of gambling addicts, he's one too, not a good parent and he doesn't see that he has any issues. Anyway, thanks again.

There's more mistakes made and children /ex Partners killed and Injured because contact was granted.

Have you got figures for that?