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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my sister is trying to set me up here

5 replies

TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/11/2018 00:21

So my DSis is the golden child and her children are the golden grandchildren. I realised a long time ago that I was basically surplus to requirements and moved a long way away.

Relations with my family are civilised: I visit about once a year (they never visit me) and speak to my parents on the phone about once a week. My parents are quite pleasant to me on the phone when my sister is not around, but when I visit she is always around and they tend to follow her lead in putting me down.

My parents and my sister are very close: they see each other every day. My parents looked after my sisters kids while she worked and mostly had them at weekends too so that she could go out. They have never babysat my kids. They've never helped me at all. They go on holiday together and have family parties without inviting me. I never go for Christmas after one miserable time when my kids were small and were basically ignored in favour of DSis's kids. I've learned to not let it bother me.

Last week my sister phoned, which she hasn't done for about a year. Generally she only phones me when she wants something, so I was wary but she was chatty and nice. Then she started saying stuff about advising her grown up kids not to give their lives up to support her in the way she has given up her life to support our parents. She said she'd been self reflecting and felt she needs to step back a bit from our parents, that she's carried them for a long time.

Basically, the way I see it is that my parents have run around after her for years and more or less raised her kids for her and now they are a bit older, and need a bit of help themselves, she's laying the groundwork for passing that responsibility on to me.

Mostly I'm just irritated that she thinks I'd be stupid enough to fall for it.

OP posts:
IStandWithPosie · 19/11/2018 00:24

Nod and smile. Making “mmhmm” and other non comittal noises when she drops these hints. When she or they actually start asking you to do things you just say “oh I can’t, I have X on that day” keep being busy. Keep being unavailable. They’ll realise they’re getting nowhere and stop asking.

highinthesky · 19/11/2018 00:25

There may or may not be ulterior motives at play here.

However, you can decide how much or little contact you have with yours sister. Ditto your parents. From your OP it sounds like you don't own them anything much so how can they guilt you?

QueenofallIsee · 19/11/2018 00:25

Sounds like you have the measure of your sister OP! Thankfully she can lay all the groundwork she likes, you don’t need to do anything more than you personally wish to do....she can’t make you do shit. As long as you are prepared, there is no need to let it get to you

Well done for spotting it early!

Perfectly1mperfect · 19/11/2018 00:29

It sounds like you are right. She can step back from them as much as she likes, that doesn't necessarily mean you need to step forward. If you want a relationship with your parents then just do what you have always done, visit once a year and a weekly phone call. If she wants to step back its for her to explain why. It sounds like you have read the situation well. I think you will be very glad that you live far away in the next few years.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/11/2018 00:32

I know. Practically, I live far enough away to avoid being roped in. A little weasley part of me was optimistically thinking I could really get to spend some nice time with my parents though, if my sister is discarding them. Realistically though I know it's never going to happen and to them I would just be a second rate substitute for the golden one.

It's shit how you can be in your fifties and still feel like this.

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