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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not fancy my friend?

19 replies

CowCuddler · 18/11/2018 23:44

This must be quite a common situation, interested to hear how things worked out for others...

Should start by saying I'm socially awkward. Always mis read situations and generally see things differently to everyone else in the room. Confused

I have a very good friend. We are completely comfortable around each other and are ourselves. We get on really really well, share similar interests, same sense of humour, we have a flirty relationship,
we are a similar age, and situation. We are both separated and have children. I split with my husband this year, he split with wife 3 years ago.

He fancies me (he told me outright, because I was crap at picking up on the hints he was giving). I really don't think I fancy him but really feel like I should as we'd make a great couple.

We went for a drink last night, he kissed me which caught me by surprise even though we'd been flirting all evening. Friends have told me to kiss him and see if there is a spark . I felt nothing. Is that it then? Or should I try again Blush . Don't want to ruin our friendship obviously.

AIBU for not feeling a spark straight away?

WWYD? Or What did you do I guess?

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 18/11/2018 23:46

In my experience you can’t manufacture the spark and, if he is your friend and you like and respect him, you owe him that honesty. You should stop flirting though, that’s not fair on either of you and suggests that you might change your mind! The way you feel is enough, don’t force it as you’ll lose a friend and possibly get hurt yourself

Aeroflotgirl · 18/11/2018 23:48

If there is no spark, and you don't feel the vibe with him, I would not be flirting with him. Be honest with him.

JellieEllie · 18/11/2018 23:53

I think it's important that you don't just settle.
It's lovely that you feel so warmly towards him but I think you are confusing the friendliness for romance when it really isn't there.
Everyone would love to be in a relationship with someone they class as a best friend (and most people already are) but they are also extremely attracted to their partners too.
I speak from experience when I say I have had the most lovely boyfriends who have treat me wonderfully, we have laughed and joked had lots in common but unfortunately there was never any spark.
I have now been back with my childhood sweetheart for the last few years who I absolutely adore and for all the reasons you mentioned above, I absolutely fancy the pants off him, the spark between us is explosive and it's something that I don't think could ever fade. Therefore I know that previous relationships (or future ones, touch wood I don't have a need for a future one) could never match up to what we have now.

Please be honest with your friend and someone will come along for you that makes you feel so good you will just know when it's right.

Shriek · 18/11/2018 23:56

How are you literally asking whether you're unreasonable to not fancy him?

Do you really consider that's an unreasonable position to take? If so, I don't understand where you've grown up.

On one level it actually sounds a really unhealthy question to ask.

Of course it's not, why should you even?!

Merryoldgoat · 18/11/2018 23:59

Of course not. But I think it’s unreasonable to flirt with someone you don’t fancy when you know they fancy you.

highinthesky · 18/11/2018 23:59

Do you really want to be part of a couple again? That's the first thing you should ask yourself before you even start to consider the suitability of your very good friend as a potential partner.

Shriek · 19/11/2018 00:15

Why would you consider him...what just because he fancies you?

You clearly don't fancy him, so you have to just ignore that he feels that way and continue being friends

ReanimatedSGB · 19/11/2018 00:31

Have a think about having sex with him, not just kissing. Does the thought appeal, or does it make you feel a bit nauseous ? If your reaction is 'Hmm, maybe' then it might be worth following up; if it's 'Eww' or 'Well I suppose I could put up with it' then don't take it any further.
But remember you don't owe him sex, or a date, or a 'chance', however good a friend he is. Your friendship may not last, because there are rather a lot of men who consider 'friendship' with woman as a kind of limbo they have to spend time in before the woman opens her legs, and who may turn unpleasant when the woman continues to treat them like, well, friends instead of potential partners. Even if this one is a decent person rather than a NiceGuyTM, it's difficult to continue a friendship when one person would like to have sex with the other, who doesn't feel the same: it can become progressively more uncomfortable for both.

tolerable · 19/11/2018 00:34

really?if it was a first date,blind date-wouldya want him to call you..how you gony feel if(i mean when)captain adoreable intos his look-it-not-you girlfriend? dunno bout you ,him,exes...but if "giving chances"was doo-able? think with your head.you could hahaha rub stones forever.wont get a spark.if you dont continue down kissystreet.your frienship as you know it is fuckt anyhow.facr.sorry

Original poster
CowCuddler · 19/11/2018 00:37

I have told him I don't want to be in a relationship atm and he gets that. There is no pressure from him at all. Although I've not said 'I don't fancy you'

I do think and talk about him lots, I walk around with a silly smile on my face when I think about him or things he's said. We speak daily. I look forward to meeting up with him.

It's as though everything is there but he just doesn't turn me on.

Not sure if it's just too soon for me to feel like that about someone who's not my ExDP?

OP posts:
Original poster
CowCuddler · 19/11/2018 00:43

ReanimatedSGB the thought of sex with anyone except ExDP makes me cringe. Was with him 15 years.
Petrified at the thought of having to do all that stuff with someone new.

OP posts:
SleepWarrior · 19/11/2018 01:13

There are relationships where the physical attraction/spark builds up over time. I know some lovely marriages where that's the case for one partner.

But only you can decide if that's the case here - don't be swayed in either direction by others as this is a choice you need to own fully

ReanimatedSGB · 19/11/2018 01:17

@Cowcuddler. Hmm. I think it might actually be the case that you could fancy your friend but are not quite ready (after 15 years with only one willy in your life, that's understandable).
Though it might also be the case that this is a very nice friend who you like a great deal but are not sexually interested in. I'd be inclined to advise you to give yourselves some time, for the moment. If he's not pestering, and is a genuinely nice person, just see what happens

halfwitpicker · 19/11/2018 01:23

Do you know how a spark feels though, op?

Original poster
CowCuddler · 19/11/2018 12:53

Thanks for your responses everyone. Time will tell I guess!

ReanimatedSGB Grin at only one willy in my life for 15 years, shame that willy was in other peoples lives too Hmm

halfwitpicker Not sure that I do! Never really had that with my husband, it kind of grew over time as SleepWarrior mentioned.

OP posts:
0nTheEdge · 19/11/2018 13:05

It sounds like it might just be too soon and you're still adjusting to life after your split. I think there's a diplomatic way to have a conversation with him without hurting his feelings, so not saying that you don't fancy him, but maybe that the kiss threw you and you're not quite ready for that yet.

Bookvan · 19/11/2018 13:14

I was in a similar situation, close friends, he told me he fancied me, but he wasn't my type, plus I was worried about ruining our friendship.
We got drunk one night Blush , stuff happened, we talked about just being fwb but we just seem to love spending time together and kind of fell into a relationship. I can honestly say I've never been happier.

GraceMarks · 19/11/2018 13:29

I was in a situation like this at uni - a male friend who was "in love" with me (I don't think he genuinely was, he'd just put me on a pedestal in his head) and all our mutual friends urging me to give him a chance because he was such a lovely guy, so kind, he would never hurt me, etc etc. In my case, it didn't get as far as even kissing him to see if there was a spark, because I knew I didn't fancy him and that if I did "give him a chance" it would just be leading him on. In the end, I had to have a severe word with some of our friends and ask them to stop pressuring me. It was making me look like the cruel one and giving him false hope.

Your situation isn't exactly the same, but you don't sound confused about your feelings to me - you felt nothing when he kissed you and you only feel like you ought to fancy him but actually don't, you said he doesn't turn you on. I don't really get the sense this is a case of not being ready for a relationship again, so much as not wanting to be with this particular man. I think if you did, you would know about it.

You enjoy spending time with him, so keep doing that, but be careful that he isn't still holding out hope that you'll change your mind. I could be completely wrong and you might suddenly be overcome by lust for him in another year's time, but it wouldn't be fair to keep him holding out for that if you don't think it will happen. Surely you both deserve better than "settling"?

l12ngo · 19/11/2018 13:46

If you don't fancy him and have told him you just want to be friends that's fine, you can't help how you feel. Yeas, it may be a little disappointing for him but if he's a true friend, he'll accept it, process it and move on with his feelings and you can continue having a great, meaningful but platonic relationship. I've done this with several friends (from both perspectives) and am glad I did so. I now have some great friends and, in retrospect, I don't think any of them would have become a long term partner. I've definitely ended up in a better position.

The worst thing would be to try and manufacture something that isn't there. It's not great for yourself, it gives them false hope and I can see it getting really awkward down the line. You can be gentle but be absolutely crystal clear about it. I know it's sad when you feel like you're hurting your friends feelings but this is not yours or his fault, it's just the way it is sometimes.

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