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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that after 20 years my stepfather could keep his mouth zipped...

29 replies

RainingAgain · 20/06/2007 20:19

He was a horrible man when i was a child. Violent and mentally abusive towards my mum and I. He made my life hell.

After all the awful things he did i have not forgotten or forgiven but i speak to him as i would any other person. I am civil and make small talk, so is/does he.

So why, at the age of 30 should i be bothered still by his name calling?

For example a few weeks ago he dropped my mum off at my house, leaned out of the car window and called me a bastard. He didn't shout it, but he said it loud enough for me to hear, while staring at me. I had done nothing, nothing at all apart from answering the door. This is just what he did when i was a child. I would walk past him to go to my room, or the kitchen and he would call me a slut, or a bitch or a twat, whatever sprung to mind really.

So tonight i phoned my mum and i can hear him calling me names in the background, taunting me. Problem is, my son (who strangely, he adores) was with them and heard it all.

I only called her to ask if i could borrow a loaf of bread ffs...it doesn't take anything to set him off.

What is his f*ing problem? If i can forget the past then why cant he just keep it buttoned and act like an adult. He's an old man now and i'm not physically scared of him anymore but the name calling upsets me, and mum says nothing about it. Why should i have to put up with this? I'm not a bad person, i dont cause trouble, i dont scrounge from them, i dont put on them in any way, i go to work, i look after my kids...why does he hate me so much?

OP posts:

Curmudgeonlett · 20/06/2007 20:21

wouldn't let a child of mine see someone who bad-mouthed me tbh

are you sure he doesn't have tourettes?

GibbonInARibbon · 20/06/2007 20:22

sorry, my DD would't be there, hasn't met her grandfather for a similar reason.

Original poster

RainingAgain · 20/06/2007 20:23

lol (bitterly). No he doesn't have tourettes. He means every word he says.

OP posts:

ConnorTraceptive · 20/06/2007 20:23

None of this is about you it's about the fact that he is clearly an awful person. You are an adult now and you DON'T have to put up with it. Make it clear to him that you will allow no contact with your son if he carries on with this.

GibbonInARibbon · 20/06/2007 20:24

sorry - didn't mean to disregard your feelings at how he treats you there - the bit about your DS just jumped out at me.

KristinaM · 20/06/2007 20:25

sorry, i dont understand why you are letting your son near this man?

lemonaid · 20/06/2007 20:26

Agree, if someone behaved like that my DC would not be spending any time with them.

mytwopenceworth · 20/06/2007 20:28

You don't have to put up with it. You need to ask yourself why you are.

To me, it seems like he resents you. He met your mother but wished she had no child. He blamed you for existing, for being a reminder that your mother had someone before him. You were competition for her affections. He didn't want to share her.

It must hurt you that your mother doesn't stand up for you. I think you must be mad for allowing him near your kids tbh. Can you imagine what he says to them about you?

I think you really need to take a good long look and think whether you really need him in your life.

Original poster

RainingAgain · 20/06/2007 20:34

He's never called me names in front of ds before, he is the perfect grandfather usually. Takes him out, spends time with him, helps him with homework, talks to him.

I've put up with it because he's never done anything wrong in front of ds. He has not been violent towards my mum since the day i left home at 18.

He will never say anything directly to me, to my face. Its always on the phone in the background or from the safety of his car.

OP posts:

GibbonInARibbon · 20/06/2007 20:37

Tell him, in no uncertain terms, that if he does it again he won't be spending any time with your DS. Children get vey upset hearing people badmouth their parents.

Sorry to hear he has been so horrid to you.

FioFio · 20/06/2007 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KristinaM · 20/06/2007 20:38

You wrote

"He was a horrible man when i was a child. Violent and mentally abusive towards my mum and I. He made my life hell. "

sorry, i can't believe that such a person is "a perfect grandfather". any more that a man who is violent and abusive suddenly stops one day when a child leaves home

hotbot · 20/06/2007 20:42

yes, poor you, his behavoiur is unacceptable really. Is your ds always supervised by you when they are together?
i thimk i would be concerned and not let them be together tbh

edam · 20/06/2007 20:45

I can believe that a violent, abusive man targets one victim in the family, tbh. But I think RA needs to think very hard about allowing him near her son any more.

How old is ds, RA? Young enough for you to stop him going over? I hope so. Because I think that's the only solution.

Your stepfather has been getting away with his treatment of you and obviously feels safe that no-one is going to challenge him. So he's moved up a level, involving your son. If you don't act to stop this, now, your son will get the message that this is an OK way for a man to behave and an acceptable way to treat you. I'm afraid you really need to stop this man having the opportunity to attack you OR to poison your son.

Original poster

RainingAgain · 20/06/2007 20:45

Kristina. I'm not looking for an argument. Or for my parenting to be ripped to shreds. He is an old man now, not capable of violence even if he wanted to, which he doesn't.

There are many people on here whose partners have treated them awfully yet as long as none of that is directed at the child then they are usually advised not to stop contact purely on the basis that that person is horrible to them, it has nothing to do with the child.

Please dont make assumptions about the way he treats my child, because i can assure you, he has never once even raised his voice to him.

OP posts:

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 20/06/2007 20:45

I don't believe he stopped being violent to your mum as soon as you left home.

She's just told you he has.

I wouldn't let a child of mine near anyone as poisonous as that.

However, of course it would hurt your mother as you can guarantee that if he wasn't allowed to see your DS, he wouldn't allow her to either.

Original poster

RainingAgain · 20/06/2007 20:51

He did stop squirrel. She retaliated one day and he never tried it again. 100%

I think the fact that i left changed something in her, she was never frightened of him again, just as i'm not now.

Hurt, but not frightened.

OP posts:

Original poster

RainingAgain · 20/06/2007 20:54

Forgot to say, its not a matter of him not allowing her to, he has no control whatsoever over her. He lives off her, off her money.

But she would start her usual antics of wailing like a banshee and telling me im unreasonable and cruel.

OP posts:

agnesnitt · 20/06/2007 21:52

The man is a twit. He has no right to abuse you in this way, but you choose to let it slide for the sake of dignity. However, to have your child able to overhear is unacceptable. Let the evil old baggage know that his mouth stays zipped at least in front of his grandchild or the access stops.

Your mother will just have to deal with this. Maybe she'll have an inkling how unfair life can be sometimes when a family member takes a stance she doesn't agree with.

Agnes

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 20/06/2007 22:00

Ah yes retaliation can sometimes be a cure.

(Not in the majority of cases though)

I would be very clear that this is unacceptable and bring it out into the open. People like this are usually startled and horrified when you challenge them on it. So: "sorry, did you just say bastard? why? what are you referring to?" puts them on the spot. Or in the phone scenario "mum, is that in the background? What's he saying? Why? Can you ask him not to use that kind of language in front of DS?"

Challenge, challenge, challenge. Don't let your DS grow up thinking this is normal and acceptable.

WinkyWinkola · 20/06/2007 22:18

What a total and utter creep. Oh my god. I'm really really and for you.

There is absolutely no way that I would let my DC have anything to do with such a person. He abused you and your mother. That's enough to stop access of any kind. The fact that he's STILL abusing you is outrageous.

I'd move and not tell them where I live. And I'd ask my mother to move with me. Do not put up with this abuse any longer. The man is scum.

coppertop · 20/06/2007 22:27

I've been in a similar position to where you are now. The problem is that even though this man has never before done this in front of your ds, it's very likely that he will do it again. For someone like your mum's partner, this kind of behaviour is not only normal but also a way of exerting some control. He's making sure that you know 'your place'. He will keep doing this as he has no reason to stop.

MilkMonitor · 20/06/2007 22:31

I'm appalled.

The man is an abuser. Don't let your children near him. Stay away from him.

mumto3girls · 20/06/2007 22:34

If you don't wish to speak to HIM about i can you jus tll you mum in NO uncertain terms to let him know that if he EVER abuses you again that neither he nor she will ee see you DS again.

If she is the one 'in charge' now sewll hopefully belt him round thehead with rolld up mgzine nd warn him accordingly!!

To be honst, why don't you just ask him why he does it? Have it out with him now before it's too late to ever find out any answers...?Why osn't your mum mind him doing ths either?

pigleto · 20/06/2007 22:42

You really do have to act now. Challenge this unreasonable behaviour before it escalates. He sounds like a real prince.

It is not your fault, your mum just chose a foul partner.

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