To ask you to help me understand this?

[HurrahMoaningMyrtle]

ExH and I split 10 years ago. One DS 13 between us. Divorce was difficult; he was an alcoholic and was abusive in texts etc. We co parent and have muddled along for years, not friends but in regular contact.

I am happily remarried. Further DC.

ExH stopped drinking then a few years ago had cancer. It was difficult for DS but exH had gf at the time who acted as carer and exH recovered.

He's since lost his hearing, had sepsis twice, pneumonia and split with gf. DS is struggling, playing up at home, at school; even wetting the bed once. His dad sleeps a LOT and DS cooks for them both when he visits.

I saw exH today for first time since latest hospital stay and burst into tears. He looks 40 years older and (apologies if this is disrespectful but) like a prisoner of war.

How can we support DS?
Why am I crying? I have no feelings for exH but I have known him for half my lifetime
Will he recover? Anyone with any experience?

Apologies for rambling

Speak to the school. Mu eldest was referred to the local Young Carers organisation by her primary school. The secondary schools are much more on the ball with the Carers stuff. They may even have an in school group which would certainly help support your DS.

I don't know anything about your ex's condition but if he's not otherwise looking after himself when DS isn't with him, it's not going to help.

DS is under far too much pressure and feeling far too much responsibility to care for his father. He is almost certainly also worrying about how his father is managing when he's not there, and worrying about whether his dad is going to relapse again or die soon.

I wish I could be helpful or had useful advice about alternative sources of support for your ex. All I can really say is that something really has to give in this situation, and whatever it is it should not have to be your DS. He is just too young to be put in this position.

As a former child carer myself, I feel it is really important to make it clear to your DS that it is not his responsibility to make sure his father is ok. There are adults in the world to take care of that. Your DS also needs counselling (hopefully available via his school) to talk about what he has been through.

Thank you for your replies. I'll have another word with his school tomorrow and look into counselling. He's not great at opening up with us.
The only saving grace is that he only stays over with his dad one night per week

Good luck OP. Wish I could be more help

I agree re counselling in school and extra pastoral care.

I'd speak to your ex. If he needs support to get in touch with Care priciders/charities, to get him built back up, then I'd do that.

It's in your DS's interests to ask your ex how he is coping etc. I'm not suggesting anything practical. I'd do the same for a neighbour etc.

I'm no expert but my DH had terminal cancer and took a year to die. As death approaches (that prisoner of war look) we often recognise it. That's why you wept. You loved him once. He's your DS's dad.

I would speak to the school and make sure DS knows he's not responsible. Seeing his DF in such a state must grieve your DS, but unless he says he doesn't want to see his DF let him see him as much as he wants.

When we lose someone we don't want to regret the "if onlies". Your DS will probably want to spend more time with his DF. He needs to make memories.

We had a lot of support locally from Cruse. I'd check out support for bereaved children now, in advance. Macmillan might be helpful.

DS1 didn't explicitly know his DF was dying (my sons were 10 and 7) but he used to spend hours watching TV with his DF, just holding hands.