To try and get Christmas out of the way before splitting with DH

[Boomah]

I've made a decision today that has been a long time coming. I've finally realised just how emotionally abusive my DH is. 10 years of putting his own wants and needs first, of making me feel guilty when I confront him, and just eventually going along with what he wants because the hassle and grief I get isn't worth it. I can't do it anymore. Today was the final straw. However, I'm keeping calm. I don't feel like this is the right time of year to split, with no plan, no money, and a reliance on each other financially and with plans coming up (him not me but I don't want him to miss them).

It’s not unreasonable, I’m sure lots wait for Christmas to be over, but are you safe?

Yes you would be wise to discreetly make plans. Get your ducks in a row, as they say.
Good luck.

I'm safe. He doesn't hurt me physically. Although he has done, this relationship split is about 9 years too late.

Use the time wisely. You’ll feel happier for being productive. Look on www.entitledto.co.uk to see if you can get any financial support.

Get your passport and paperwork tidied and in one wallet.

Do you have children? Do you share a house?

My mother did exactly this nearly 20 years ago. She decided to end the marriage in December after a bad incident but didn't ask him to leave til February. It was the best financial option for her and us at the time.

You have all my sympathy and I wish you all the best

Makes sense. Use the time to get everything ready so you can just walk without warning. That way you deny him the opportunity to pull anything. (I left when mine was out.)

It's never too late. We leave as soon as we are able.

I am in a similar situation myself but still in the pondering stage. I am questioning whether or not my situation is emotional abuse.

My OH works full time (as do I) but does nothing with me or the kids. He puts himself first always, going to the gym, to see a physio, eating out etc. He doesn't go out with friends, drinking etc but is very selfish with his time. He stomps around the house when the kids are playing up, disapprovingly huffing and puffing because of the noise. He's slept downstairs for the last 9 months since my DS2 was born because of his night wakenings. He won't help at night, nor get up with the kids in the morning when I have been up in the night with them.

I can count on one hand the amount of nappies he's changed between them (my DS1 is no 2) and he has never bathed them or put them to bed. We don't do much as a family as he fills his weekends with the gym, trips our shopping or to get his hair done - anything that gives him his 'me time'. I haven't had any me time at all in the last 2.5 years...

Not only does he not help with the kids, he does nothing around the house but ALWAYS complains about the state of the house, the lack of ironed clothes and food in the fridge. My house isn't unclean or even untidy, it's just lived in with 2 babies as expected. I wash but I don't iron as I simply do not have the time or energy! I iron as we wear but he is precious about having all of his clothes neatly hung in a wardrobe to choose from.

I just feel like I am dealing with 3 babies rather than two and he isn't enhancing our lives in any way which is very sad to say.

If I choose to leave, I will have to do the same as you. I am not financially independent and so it would require planning and also, I don't want to disrupt Christmas for my family.

Are you absolutely sure you won’t relent and end up changing your mind if you leave it until the New Year? You say the events coming up are his not yours, would he be able to do them without you? Does he care about ensuring you get to do what you want?
Can you say what has ended it for you?

God ladies,both of you, get gone there is so much more to life! Plan as much as you can there kick them out.

Mummy2myboys .. sounds really rubbish. I'm pretty much same as you. Can you see yourself doing this for the next 10 years? Three babies..yep.. I've got 3 too. My happiness is now rage and anger.. im.leaving it til xmas then after that he can fk off. . Imagine life without all the extra work a third one brings.. I'm talking about the husband whose supposed to be your equal partner. Good luck to all of us..

LadyFlangeWidget that's what I keep thinking. When the kids are crying, he's moaning that they're crying making it twice as difficult to manage. When the cupboards are bare he complains about having to go to the shops saying i'm unorganised! When clothes are washed but not ironed he says "i can't live like this". When the kids wake up grumpy, he says: "I've never known kids to cry this much, theres something wrong with them, I can't listen to this, i'm going out". When the kids are ill he snaps at how I am handling it and always wants to phone an ambulance! In a morning, when I have been up for 2 and a half hours trying to get out of the house with the kids, he rolls out of bed 10 mins before leaving demanding his clothes for the day and storming out of the house if they aren't ready for him saying "every day in this house is a hassle". I've put up with a lot for a long time and have brushed it to one side as I'm usually quite a positive person but DS2 is a bad sleeper and I don't know if sleep deprivation is getting the better of me but it's starting to give me anxiety and really make me miserable...

I honestly feel I could be a better parent to my boys on my own without the negativity sucking the life out of me.

Yes of course we can be better parents alone! You do it all already anyway. Imagine not having the extra burden of him...bliss. do you work ..can you support yourself? My kids are old enough now to understand .. I wished I'd left him when they were toddlers. It won't get better.. only worse. The more you facilitate his abusive freeloading habits.. the more he feels comfy.. the less he does ..The more you do etc etc it's a vicious circle. Put a plan in place. Talk to a solivitor. Talk to a friend.

I work full time but I work with him in a shared business. I would be quite happy to leave it all behind though as the home-life experience extends into work so it is entirely relentless. I do more work within the business too. It would just mean completely starting over with absolutely nothing as I have no assets of my own and live in his house. We aren't married, just engaged.

When my mum, looks back on getting rid of my dad, she says the best bit was knowing where she was. If she had left cooked food for a busy evening after school and work it was there. If she put petrol in her car it was there. Lots more examples. Honestly ladies you can do this, plan save and look forward to your futures. Self reliance is so much easier than relying on someone who isn’t there for you.

Mummy2myboys - Good luck. You'll be fine.

And I agree about getting ducks in a row - it makes it much more likely to be successful, it is easier on the kids if you have planned it out.

I didn't leave when I should have done. I slowly drifted apart - intentionally. Your description of how your DH behaves struck a chord with me. That is how I was treated for years - and criticised for being tired, disorganised, chaotic, dull. I believed I was a useless mother and partner. I still have not recovered my confidence - although I am free and happy now.

You both deserve better, and you will be happier alone from the sounds of it!