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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To name my child without consulting Ex-P?

21 replies

flightattendant · 20/06/2007 19:26

I named and registered my new baby yesterday with a lot of thought and effort to get it right...right for me, that is, and for DS.

I flt I needed to do it as a way of bonding with my baby, after his father was such an arse - I left him in November because of emotional abuse, which he is now questioning (what did I do that was so bad?).

We have had little contact since as he got the idea we might get back together, and started leaving chocolates outside my door etc. all the time failing to show that anything had really changed. So I asked to be left alone, and got through the whole pregnancy alone with help from my wonderful parents.

He says I should have consulted him (and his children, and his mother...?) about the name, as he wanted to feel a bond with the baby as well. And that it wasn't his choice not to be more involved.

This after he never helped with ANYthing, when I was pregnant and we were together...he was nasty by his own admission, to me and DS1...because he 'couldn't get his head around it'.

Am I being 'little red hen' here (ie I did all the bloody work, so I get to name the baby) or should I have let him help...not like I want him in our lives at all, but it looks like we have little choice.

TBH it didn't really occur to me to ask his opinion about names...although I did mention it last week, and he couldn't come up with anything...? I'm totally confused...

OP posts:
hatrick · 20/06/2007 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

belgo · 20/06/2007 19:35

You are totally within your rights ....did you chose William or Wilbur?

daisyboo · 20/06/2007 19:37

No FA YANBU....he had hos chance for input which he chose not to take. Well done you for being wish you lots of luck with your boys....is it definately Wilbur then?

daisyboo · 20/06/2007 19:38

oops, that should be weel done you for being strong

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 20/06/2007 19:38

No.

Anyway I always thought Little Red Hen had a point.

Original poster
flightattendant · 20/06/2007 19:39

Oh good! Belgo...he is Wilbur! He just looks perfectly like a Wilbur.

His dad hates it of course...asked if we could change it! And if I would have considered his opinion if I'd thought to ask (I said I didn't think he would be interested). I suppose he thinks I'm selfish.

I do feel guilty that I stole that pleasure for myself but I so needed to feel safe and secure as his mother, I didn't want to share that with an idiot who had no commitment and no respect for anything I did. I went through a lonely pregnancy, a painful birth, and had to rely on my family because he abandoned us (I left him, but it was that or be treated like cr*p).

As he said when I got pregnant, 'You'll be doing all the looking after this child, I'll be around if I can'. Hardly committed is it?

OP posts:
belgo · 20/06/2007 19:41

well done FA, for being so strong and brave.

Sixofone · 20/06/2007 19:53

Oh, the old 'what did I do that was so bad' is just yet another form of emotional blackmail! If he can't see what he's done, you were totally right to make this decision without him.

You sound like you've been so brave - so many women would have thought 'well I could be with men who are a LOT worse' and stuck it out even though they weren't happy, but you didn't!

IMHO mums are always the best people to choose names..after all, having carried a baby for 9 months who can know a baby any better?

rufusmacdoofus · 20/06/2007 20:03

well done you, what a fabulous name. you sound great and very together so your boys are very lucky indeed. Why consult him ? why do some men not understand that being a dad is about what you do for your family not the initial biological process ! x

Original poster
flightattendant · 20/06/2007 20:06

Oh lovely post! Yes, I did bake this little loaf

I had to leave as he was affecting DS1 too badly. Teasing till he cried etc. and making me cry on a regular basis...I was too unkempt to meet his mum, his kids were disgusted at my appearance...wtf? There were no black eyes, but a lot of hurt nonetheless...and worst thing being because I left him, everyone asked why and thought I wanted to be pregnant and alone again!

And it made him look so great when he decided he wanted commitment and was going to be nice...as son as he knew I'd not take him up on it
So it looked like I just ditched him without a reason and he was trying to do the right thing.
There are worse men I know, but he clearly wanted out and did all he could to provoke me to end it. (He told me once that's what he did to his other kids' mum)

OP posts:
Songbird · 20/06/2007 20:08

'And that it wasn't his choice not to be more involved.'

Yes it was - he chose to behave like a prick and drive you away!

Well done you, for having the guts to go it alone and choosing a totally brilliant name

Original poster
flightattendant · 20/06/2007 20:08

I think he has no concept of the idea that you earn these rights. 'His' child doesn't mean much, unless he is helpful to it and to its mother. Surely that's the point of being a parent. Not just the fun bits like naming.

Where was he when I was splitting in half with each contraction...I think that thought is carrying me through at the moment

OP posts:
Original poster
flightattendant · 20/06/2007 20:09

Thanks about the name btw!!

OP posts:
Idreamofdaleks · 20/06/2007 20:10

You did the right thing to make your own mind up.

Don't bother discussing it with ex-p, it is a waste of energy, and the decision is already made, he needs to move on - if he wanted to be part of the decision he should have been supportive during your pregnancy, he had his chance.

agnesnitt · 20/06/2007 21:45

I told my ex-partner the name I was thinking of, and he thought it was a good name. So I chose it and was lucky enough to have the ex agree is was a good name.

You have nothing to be worried about, that wee boy is your son, and as his mum you've given him a name you will love to call him. 'Daddy' can just go and un-knot his knickers and live with it.

Agnes

Original poster
flightattendant · 21/06/2007 06:18

Agnes. Thankyou. Feeling bit less guilty now!

OP posts:
Budababe · 21/06/2007 07:37

Def down to you. If he had shown an iota of interest before then maybe. But he didn't so tough!

Had a look at your pics and Wilbur really suits him!

bookwormmum · 21/06/2007 07:40

He's had since last Nov to 'get his head around it' - how much longer does he need??? He's already had 8 months by my reckoning. Most parents get about the same amount of time to prepare for a baby so it's not like you suddenly gave birth and he'd no idea.

Ignore him - he's doing it to wind you up.

SSSandy2 · 21/06/2007 07:45

Don't know the man but sounds to me like he doesn't know what he wants other than to be in centre stage. This is all about him, isn't it? Getting his head around pregnancy (arghh), why isn't HE more involved, why doesn't HE get consulted about the name, what did he do that was so bad after all? Where are you and where is the baby in all of this?

Wouldn't waste another thought on it. If he doesn't like Wilbur, he can always shorten the name to Wil or come up with a nickname.

agnesnitt · 21/06/2007 09:14

Getting their 'heads around it'... Ah, what a cop-out for them. My ex is trying to get his head round things right now too. My original thought was that at least one of his heads got round the idea very well in October, so the other one can bloody well catch up by the end of July or I shall be having some very 'sharp' words with them both. Probably delivered with a pair of surgical scissors in one instance

Agnes

alicet · 21/06/2007 19:22

YANBU. I have read your other thread on how unreasonable your ex mil is being too - they sound like a right pair of treasures.

You are well rid. Enjoy your gorgeous little boy and spending time with people who support you

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