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Original poster

How to help depressed daughter - I am struggling

15 replies

MakeMineALarge1 · 18/11/2018 12:43

DD now 19 has prev suffered from self harming and was on antidepressants, she has never been a happy person, always focuses on the negative.

Growing up she has always struggled to make friends, she has only ever had 1 friend at a time.

She had a boyfriend from 15 to 18 and they split 7 months ago, at the time her only friend got a boyfriend and has dropped my daughter completely. The thing is she cannot get over it, she cries all the time, thinks her life is over and that she will be in this state forever.

I have tried every tact I can think off but I can't help thinking FFS you are 19 - get over it ( I am sorry but I can't help it) I have told her to make some plans for next year, she wants to work abroad in the summer - but won't book it in case she gets a better offer - I have said stop waiting and manage your own life.

I have tried to get her to go to the GP, she goes once and doesn't go back as she will feel slightly better.

I think what's worse is she is living with 6 girls who all have boyfriends.

I am finding it really hard to support her as I don't think it's the not having a boyfriend that the crux I think it's just general loneliness and depression.

I just want her to be happy and to be out having the time of her life. But everything I suggest is met with derision.

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 18/11/2018 12:52

Sounds like she relies on other people to validate her and make her happy. My sister went thru a stage like this when she was about 18. One thing that helped her was volunteering in an Indian orphanage for the summer and realising that actually, some people have bigger problems. That being said tho, my sister was very inward looking and self obsessed rather than depressed. Obv volunteering in India is expensive, but volunteering at a soup kitchen or mentoring kids from disadvantaged homes etc can be done relatively easily and might make her see outside of herself and her "crap" life a bit?

Original poster
MakeMineALarge1 · 18/11/2018 12:54

I suggested this to her in the summer and she looked at me as it I'd suggested walking the streets naked!

It's almost as it she doesn't want to help herself and I hate myself for thinking that.

OP posts:
continuallychargingmyphone · 18/11/2018 12:54

I think if you are prone to depression then this isn’t helpful: it contributes to the feelings that life is worthless.

I would also feel lonely in her situation. It’s normal to want to be loved. But she has to love herself first (cliche.)

MissionItsPossible · 18/11/2018 12:57

I have tried every tact I can think off but I can't help thinking FFS you are 19 - get over it ( I am sorry but I can't help it)

I know this isn’t your intention but please try and be kinder to her. Depression is such a sinking feeling into a black hole and can consume a person entirely at its worst point.

Andro · 18/11/2018 12:58

The short answer is, there's little if anything you can do - your DD needs to help herself.

The inertia - not booking things, whatever excuse she gives you - can also be a function of her depression. What she needs, most likely, is a combination of antidepressants and some form of either talking therapy or cbt. Unfortunately, she has to be willing to accept that she needs a program of help...then she needs to commit.

She's 19, you can advise but you can't do anything...that's on her.

SusanneLinder · 18/11/2018 13:03

Having a daughter who suffers from bouts of depression ( same age), it is very very difficult. I admit to being frustrated too, because there is very little you can do to "fix" it, and you want to, because it's your daughter and you want to help.
All you can do is be there for her, and give her a cuddle and tell her you love her. Sometimes depression just is, but when my DD was going through her bouts, I encouraged her to talk to see if there was anything that was particularly troubling her, and tried to help. Be prepared for her not to talk, or to reject your attempts to get her to talk, but as long as she knows she can come to you, thats enough.
Encourage her to go to GP and get referred to MH services to try and help with the cycle of depression.
Main thing to remember is, you are not a MH expert, she needs specialist help, but you can provide an ear. My DD is well just now, but yup, she has been in hospital twice with her MH.
Lots of love x

Original poster
MakeMineALarge1 · 18/11/2018 13:04

Mission I know. I just can't help it, I just want her to be happy, she is too young to be suffering.

Andro I have said she needs to go back to the GP for AD and she needs to manage her condition I have suggested counselling as well via uni, she says she will but she never does.

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 18/11/2018 13:05

It's about somehow getting across to her that life can be better than this, that she deserves to feel better than this, that she is worth the effort.

Are there things you enjoy doing together?

It does sound as though medication and CBT type therapy might really help to address the negative view she has of herself.

I'm sure she would love to just shake this off or 'get over it' too, but it sounds much deeper than this.

Will she go to the GP with You?

Original poster
MakeMineALarge1 · 18/11/2018 13:06

Susanne I have said she needs to get to the GP this week - no excuses.

OP posts:
Original poster
MakeMineALarge1 · 18/11/2018 13:10

Foody she always says she wants to do things with me but never suggests anything other than things that costs money - when she comes home from uni its almost as it she wants entertaining.

I do struggle with her, she takes offence/gets upset at everything she is still very much like a petulant teenager at times.

Her GP is now in the town she is at uni in so not as easy for me to attend with her.

OP posts:
RayRayBidet · 18/11/2018 13:10

Can you arrange some nice things to do together? Don't ask her just arrange and surprise her. Book tickets for a show she would like, go on a trip together, doesn't have to be fancy and expensive. A day out, trip to the seaside or something.
A distraction and something to look forward to can help. Speaking from experience.

CSIblonde · 18/11/2018 13:19

Get her CBT for Dummies. It gives you coping strategies & how to challenge negative thoughts in easy to read clear format. I've had depression since her age & besides counselling this was the best thing for me, it's my bible if ever I feel I'm sinking again. Anti depressants are half the battle, you need to address the root cause. And the worst thimg to say is pull yourself together:because frankly you feel like you are drowning in sadness, desperation, fear & loneliness, which warps your logic & perspective so you can't motivate yourself to 'get over it' no matter how you try.

ReflectionsofParadise · 18/11/2018 13:23

OP she's still a teenager. She's allowed to mope and kick and cry and wallow in it like the rest of us for a while. At 17 I had my heart broken entirely. I got a new boyfriend about 6m later, but I was still hung up on my ex for a very long time (a few years infact), and I still felt like that about him until I fell head over heels for someone else.

She was with him for 3 years. So emotionally she hasn't really matured beyond 15. She will do eventually but let her mope a little more. She may just be someone who wears her heart on her sleeve.

ReflectionsofParadise · 18/11/2018 13:23

*emotionally when it comes to relationships that should say

Chouetted · 18/11/2018 13:55

She IS still a petulant teenager. Adolescence continues into the 20s, and some people take longer to mature than others.

On the other side of that, it's not a crime to be unhappy at 19. It's a difficult time of life. She needs your love and support, not criticism.

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