To think that cheating on your partner is not 'being naughty'?

[Madmozzie]

Dh cheated before we got married, but while engaged. He was recently catching up with a female colleague he worked with a few years on from that, conversation touched on my further doubts (knowing I had found something), and she asked him if he'd been naughty, referring to cheating. No doubt about that.

Am pretty pissed off that it's obviously such a joke to some ppl!

No, I haven't posted as mozz something before. I'm not defending him at all, but what I am trying to get an answer to from steak is re the certainty of him cheating again. Because I know he cheated once. I haven't found anything recently to make me think he's doing it again, so why so certain he will? I've read around a lot, not everyone who cheats does it again, so I was asking why she is so sure. Thx for the clarification.

And I didn't start the thread to talk about how devastating cheating was! It's AIBU, the q was in the title.

He's part of a culture where it's just the same as getting fish and chips instead of roast dinner because you fancy a change.

This isn't meant confrontation ally, or as an excuse or anything, but out of interest - what do you base that opinion on? Personal experience? Hearsay?

You married someone in the forces and you were shocked they cheated, but also shocked that other members of the forces view it so lightly as to comment on it in a joking manner?

How naïve are you OP? The forces and emergency services are absolutely rife for adultery. It's pretty much an accepted part of being one of their partners for most. Their lives are on the line in a high proportion of their roles. Of course they are more blasé about shagging around - they could be dead much sooner than the rest of us.

As for the colleague commenting on it lightheartedly... do you understand exposure? The more you witness and experience something the more mundane and everyday it becomes.

Litterally every squaddy, para, copper, paramedic and fire fighter that I know (and I know a fair few!) are all at it, and if they're not they're normally telling me about their mate at work who is

To others it's something that's ok to do or to have done to them as they carry on in the relationship.

I imagine very very few people think it's "OK" to be cheated on. Some might not consider it a reason to end the relationship, but that is not at all the same thing as saying they are 'OK' with it. Cheating almost always causes a huge amount of hurt when discovered.

Thanks reflections. I'm not actually stupid, he wasn't in the forces when we got together, so it wasn't that straightforward. I also hadn't known any forces ppl and didn't think they were all cheating bastards. I'm pretty sure they're not. I was very naive to think that someone I had chosen to be with for many years would have the same morals and values as me though, I guess. More fool me for thinking the best of someone, eh?

OP I think you've had an unnecessary hard time on here.

You've done nothing wrong as I can see anyway.

I think she would call it "naughty" and minimise it like that because she's not your friend and doesn't really care who he fucks.

If you were her sister/bestie I'm sure she'd have something to say about it.

The problem isn't her. It's the cheater, but you know this...

Thanks minecraft I think you might have hit the nail on the head there. Sad that so many ppl don't care about what's right or wrong unless it directly affects them. (And I really don't see how it's ever right to cheat on and lie to an oblivious and loving partner, for those ppl who say it's not for me to judge others opinions.)

How do you know she said that? Did he tell you? If that’s his choice of words then it’s clear he sees it as no biggie.
He cheated. Does it really matter what anyone other than the two of you feel about it? Looks like you’re seeking to be cross with someone who isn’t him.

Yes of course 'being naughty' doesn't convey the seriousness of breaking your wedding vows/commitment to your life partner.

But then 'cheating' doesn't cover it either.

We are taking betrayal of trust, sexual promiscuity, deceit, lying and humiliation.

I fully agree with @MinecraftMother. I also have a friend in the forces who uses that exact terminology when referring to his extra marital activities. I would bet my last dollar that it is to help minimize his activities, so he can sleep at night, because I do know that he loves his wife very much.

Being 'naughty' trivialises it. If she used this turn of phrase, it comes across as almost flirty, albeit a vom-inducing attempt. 'Have you been naughty? Tee hee' urgh. No.

I also have a friend in the forces who uses that exact terminology when referring to his extra marital activities. I would bet my last dollar that it is to help minimize his activities, so he can sleep at night, because I do know that he loves his wife very much.

I don't get that at all. How can you love someone very much, yet carry on with (plural!) extra marital activities?

I don't get it either, can't bear the thought of being with anyone other than DH, but I just stay well out of it.

Are you ok OP? Is there a bit more to this story? I would be devastated in your shoes

@Madmozzie monogamy is not everyone's choice deep down. It's really that simple :(

Hmmmmn

Thanks rainbow, still going through the 'finding out the details', and shattering of my former impression of our relationship stage - it seems constant. I never found the idea of someone deliberately cheating on a long term partner for a period of time an inconsequential thing, and it's an opinion which is especially difficult to respect having been cheated on. Yes, I've been pretty devastated to realise what he was thinking and doing, while I was unaware. Sounds dramatic, but things will never be the same, including a lower tolerance for ppl who minimize this shit.

reflections polygamy is not the same as cheating and lying, is it though? I have no problems with polygamy, provided everyone involved is aware of what is happening. That's simple respect, surely?

How can you love someone very much, yet carry on with (plural!) extra marital activities?

It's not my cup of tea but I guess it depends how you relate to sex. For example, some people would go nuts if their fella went to the cinema with another woman or even had a drink after work. Others wouldn't.

Yeah but we're talking about sex here, not going yo the movies together. That's v different. I suspect anyone who doesn't mind their partner having sex with someone else while in a relationship with them knowingly isn't in a monogamous relationship. And again, that's very different from expecting fidelity from your partner. Or are you just saying that the cheats see sex differently (of, course, as they are the ones cheating)? In which case, surely the loving thing is not to go behind your partners back - and in that case it's an open relationship. So it wouldn't be cheating...

It's not my cup of tea but I guess it depends how you relate to sex. For example, some people would go nuts if their fella went to the cinema with another woman or even had a drink after work. Others wouldn't.

As I've said above, very very few men or women are genuinely happy with their partner shagging around. Some might reluctantly put up with it, but almost nobody likes it. Unless of course they're in the small minority of couples who have 'open' relationships. In which case it isn't cheating.