Should I have a say?

[Ryderryder]

So dh works full time but has some health issues. He needs an operation which hopefully will ease some of these issues.
I work part time and earn very little but I do virtually all the childcare, housework, laundry etc for our 3 dds. His income pay the bills whereas mine is really just covers fun stuff.
So dh and his brother have been discussing the operation issue and bil strongly feels that he should go private. The op is likely to cost between 10 and 15k. We do have this in savings (just) but it is still a huge amount of money to pay. I also disagree with private healthcare generally.
Aibu to tell dh that I think he should wait for NHS op. Obviously with the proviso that if the wait is huge this changes things. Obviously I wouldn't stop him spending the money if it is what he really wants but aibu to have doubts especially as private hospitals aren't always equipped to deal adequately with emergency situations.

I am definitely inclined to agree with you unless it puts his health at risk of course. I am a strong believer in the NHS. He had BUPA through work & several years ago he had a fit. He had many tests etc & all were done at the same hospital he would have attended through the NHS anyway & weren't really very quick. I had a strangulated hernia years back & was operated on immediately using the NHS. I strongly eel, going from experience that the system works.

YANBU to want to be part of the discussion. Are you saying that he has discussed this with his brother but not you? I would find that hugely insulting. I know that if we were in this position I would tell DH the decision was his and support him in it BUT the idea of not being consulted is not OK.

Has DH said this is what he plans to do or has he just relayed bil's views? Of course you should have a say! If there's a long waiting list on the nhs, and if having the op sooner would greatly improve his health then worth considering. He's unlikely to get any better medical treatment in a private hospital, but will of course have a nice room and nice food. And nursing staff that aren't run off their feet.

Hmm, I can see both sides on this one. I do think how long the waiting list is should be the decider, plus how much he is suffering/disabled while he waits. If you do have the money, it seems cruel to make him suffer for months unnecessarily.

What's his reason for wanting to go private? His medical date will be if the same standard (and probably with the same surgeon), any aftercare will likely be through the NHS anyway, and the NHS is much much better at dealing with anything unexpected / emergencies. But yes he'll have a shorter wait, and a private room with nice food.

Unless BIL is paying for the operation he needs to keep his nose out.

YANBU

I think you absolutely have a right to have a say over such a large amount. Also I know doctors who work in both private and NHS and they say that private hospitals are not very good, e.g. old equipment and focused on cost cutting to maximise profit, so they're not really putting the patient first, and you're correct that they don't have enough facilities or staff to deal with complex cases or emergencies, only really routine stuff.

I think as you say it would be dependant on how long the waiting list on the NHS was and the urgency the op is needed.

I would also be researching who the surgeon would be on both (sometimes it's the same bloomin surgeon). What the contingency plan is if something were to go wrong, how could each deal with this.

I do believe if you have the money and the surgeon and after care is better private and the equipment comparable I would be going private.

But in general I think you have the right attitude towards it, if it's not urgent wait for the NHS.

Depends on the reasoning for going private. I don't think this is the kind of decision anyone should demand he makes on an ideological basis. This is his health, his body and his future life on the line.

To give the other side to the coin compared to pp, the so-called "care" I've had in my NHS hospital has been diabolical, so if I had the funds I would go private just so I could be treated like a human being rather than cattle. Being caused enduring harm by mistreatment is not something I'm prepared to feign gratitude about, no matter how much I believe in the concept of universal healthcare.

You haven't given the reasons for him wanting to go private, so how can we comment meaningfully?

I don't think we need to know the reasons for and against. If people want to spend your money they must involve you in the discussion so that you can share in the decision. Whether or not MN think that you should pay for the op privately has nothing to do with it.

Update. Me wanting to discuss it and explore all options before parting with up to 17k of family money on what in theory could be inferior service in terms of emergency back up means I don't care about him. Whereas bil is still adamant that privates the way to go. Easy to say when it's not your money.
Ultimately it is dhs decision but it still doesn't feel right.
So has a GP appointment booked to a request private referral.

Reason for not wanting to wait is valid as he is in pain. Although not clear how much of the ain will be corrected by treatment.

I'd be pointing out that not all of that family money is his if you feel that strongly about it.

I was referred for a private operation at the expense of the NHS because they were going over the waiting times and the hospital was filthy with awful aftercare.

How old are your kids ?

You’re not wrong that the decision to spend that much money on anything should be a joint one.

Whether he’s being unreasonable or not in this particular case depends on the length of the waiting list and the acuteness and severity of the medical condition, so hard to say on current info.

He’s in pain, has the money to go private and you are making a fuss of him spending on his op?! I can’t understand that. I would be supporting my husband to access the care he wants - especially since he’s worked for the money himself. Although in our house we work and save 50-50 and I would still be saying the am thing. If we had he Savin s and h needed / wanted medical care he should do it. It’s not a jolly!

Kids are just turned 5 11 and 13.
I have not told him that he shouldn't do it and tbh I have never stood in the way of him spending vast money on what he wants. He has an expensive hobby.
I have just advised him to go into it with his eyes wide open.

bil strongly feels that he should go private

Ask BIL how much he's contributing to back up his 'strong feelings', as you have a young family and that would mean there's no safety net for your children's needs.

How does your bil have a say in this?!

I would say if going private will use all your savings then you can't really afford the luxury of going private. Unless he is in debilitating pain or the wait would cause a serious or permanent deterioration in his overall health I think he should wait.

Well, I think that if your husband is failing to recognise that all money is family money then I’d probably be making plans to get back to work and earn my own money I’m afraid.

If I knew a family member was in pain and had the money to do something about it, I would encourage them to look into it.

Lots of people wait for an op in some level of discomfort. To spend all your savings on a private op is not okay.

The NHS is fantastic and waiting lists aren't atrocious. Me thinks he wants the comfort of private and who wouldn't but not at the cost of ALL your savings.

Surely he should at least find out how long the waiting list is on the NHS - and if he goes private - before making any decision?

Does DH realise that it will probably be the same surgeon even if he goes private. The only real difference is the waiting time.