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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about losing bond with my baby

24 replies

Pollypanda · 17/11/2018 21:59

DS (who turned 1 today) starts nursery in 2 weeks time. He’ll be going 3 days a week 9-15:30. Call me crazy/deluded/naive but I am really worried about the affect him going to nursery will have on our bond. The other 2 week days he is at home with me, plus the weekend.

He gets overwhelmed easily in large groups and looks to me for comfort. I also cuddle him to sleep for naps/bedtime and he’s never been put to sleep by anyone else. He’s also still BF although only 2 or 3 times a day.

He is generally a very happy, content little boy but I’m worried nursery will later the close bond between us and he will somehow resent me for leaving him.

AIBU to feel like this? Be honest, I can take it!

OP posts:

Original poster

Pollypanda · 17/11/2018 22:00

Excuse my dodgy spelling!

*effect
*alter

OP posts:

Claireshh · 17/11/2018 22:01

My children are at school five days a week. I still have a very strong bond with them,

Please don’t worry. Your baby knows you are his mum x

Orlande · 17/11/2018 22:02

I don't think it will affect your bond, but why have you chosen nursery if he gets overwhelmed in groups?

Rednaxela · 17/11/2018 22:03

A good nursery will work with you to make sure the transition is not traumatic for either of you.

Should be a gradual transition of 1h with you present, next day 1h with you waiting in car, etc. Or similar whatever your nursery normally do.

Don't rush it, DS will be fine. He only has 1 mum and that's you!

overagain · 17/11/2018 22:04

Hasn't affected my bond with DS. If he has positive attachment it really shouldn't be an issue.

onthenaughtystepagain · 17/11/2018 22:04

Surely going to nursery then school are the first stages of loosening the apron strings, he is beginning to develop his own world of which you have little part.
It doesn't mean you love him less and v.v. but it's what happens.

Original poster

Pollypanda · 17/11/2018 22:05

A good question - it’s a very small nursery with only 4/5 babies per room. It’s the same nursery I attended as a child so there’s a tie there. It’s close to where I work and live, is rated Outstanding by OFSTED etc (I appreciate not to important at his age but still good to know)

OP posts:

Original poster

Pollypanda · 17/11/2018 22:07

I believe he is securely attached. He happily potters round playing by himself, sometimes I get involved, other times leave him to it. He lets me know when he needs me.

We are doing several settling in sessions and the nursery say I can call whenever I want when he fully starts.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m a wreck!

OP posts:

moita · 17/11/2018 22:08

Totally understand your worry but it's about quality not quantity. You'll bond might change but you won't lose it. It sounds like you'll get lots of time with him so why not plan lots of fun things to do.

Girlicorne · 17/11/2018 22:08

not at all, my two went to nursery from a very early age, every day 8am til 6pm. Ds was only 4 months old. it has never affected our bond but I totally understand your concerns, it's hard being away from them but nursery has so many benefits!

moita · 17/11/2018 22:08

your bond

gindrinkingmarypoppins · 17/11/2018 22:09

Honestly, it's normal for you to be anxious about this, it's a huge transition for both of you....but there's no way it will damage your bond with him. If it's the right nursery he will adjust quickly and the benefits of being in a setting with other children are huge.

Lazypuppy · 17/11/2018 22:10

You need to start helping your son get ready for nursery! Your bond will be fine, but he is going to struggle if no-one else has NEVER put him to bed in a year? You need to start making some gradual changes over the next 2 weeks to help.

Is he having any settling in sessions? My dughter had some over 2 weeks totalling around 20hours which massively helped her settle

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 17/11/2018 22:11

My ds has gone through nursery, primary, secondary and college. Still hugely bonded.
He was 24 last week!!

Echobelly · 17/11/2018 22:11

It can feel hard, but remember there was no golden age when mums were with their kids all the time! Wealthy people paid other people to bring up their kids, mums not wealthy enough to have staff were too buy working or looking after the home to spend much time with their kids. This whole idea of spending masses of time with babies and small children is really quite new, especially since women entered the workplace (hmmm, wonder why? )

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 17/11/2018 22:13

In the kindest possible way, you're being a bit silly - do you think all children who go to nursery have a poor bond with their parents? Or that yours is weaker than others so more at risk? Of course not it's absolutely normal to worry, but he'll be fine, so will you!

Original poster

Pollypanda · 17/11/2018 22:18

Great points. Yes no one else has put him to sleep... it’s a sticking point but it’s reality.

Honestly it’s reassuring to hear I’m being daft. I would have felt a lot worse if I was consistently being told my feelings were valid!

OP posts:

Fallingout · 17/11/2018 22:19

@Lazypuppy it is not unusual for a 12 month old to only have been put to bed by his mother, of course that’s normal and fine. Don’t try and turn normal parenting into something else. Some children struggle and some don’t, having a secure relationship with a caregiver will help, but being put to bed by his mum every night is not going to damage him at all, and I imagine that mum will continue to do that, particularly during the time he starts nursery which will support and benefit him during the changes.
OP the reason you feel like this is because you are a lovely mum. Of course you are nervous and of course it’s normal to be worried. Hopefully he we love it and if he doesn’t you will be there being his mum and doing what he needs. One of mine loved part time nursery, another never settled and we had to find an alternative but neither outcome could be predicted in advance (by myself or anyone else) good luck, and yes it’s fine and normalto struggle with handing over your baby to strangers and a new environment, but hopefully he will love it and it will go smoothly.

Original poster

Pollypanda · 17/11/2018 22:38

@Fallingout thank you for your comment, you are very sweet. My other half and I have talked about the possibility of DS not settling into nursery and how we’d deal with that. We’ve worked out we could just afford to get by on his wage alone if I was a SAHM so it’s comforting to know thats an option at least. I’m hoping he loves nursery and thrives there, but at the end of the day I’ll do whatever is best for him (as would any mum!) even if that means living on beans on toast for the next 4 years

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 17/11/2018 22:43

Your DS really will be fine! I'm speaking as an adoptive mum who went through this dilemma with both my DDs, who were placed with us aged 1 (they're now 9 and 6). DD2 was particularly clingy; she wouldn't let anyone else other than DH and me to do anything for her, and would scream if I left her to go to the toilet. I put her into nursery at 18 months for 2 mornings a week to get her used to being away from me.

The first couple of weeks were tricky, but she adjusted, and now she loves school and has lots of friends. But she still comes into our bedroom for a cuddle with Mummy in the morning.

You won't lose your bond with your DS, you'll still be his Mummy, nothing will change that.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 17/11/2018 22:51

he is beginning to develop his own world of which you have little part

what a load of bollocks. what motivated you to write that to a woman who is concerned about her bond with her baby?How unfucking kind. I have an 8 yr old and me and his dad are still the centre of his world. You have years before you need to worry about growing apart.

OP YANBU to feel like this at all. It's normal. I have returned from 3 maternities and each time it broke my heart. The thing is even friends who have gone back full time to demanding long hours jobs are still the first person their children go to. They will always be mum. You sound like you have a fab balance and no-one ever replaces mum. Plus you will be there every bedtime and morning so feeding wise there won't be a huge change

Jezzifishie · 17/11/2018 22:52

I think you'll both be absolutely fine. My DD attends nursery full time, 5 days a week. She came up to me and DH earlier, gave us a great big hug and told us that we are her best friends. She knows who her parents are

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 17/11/2018 22:55

It’s normal to worry about this but I promise you, he will be fine and you will never lose that bond.

As an anecdote, my twins went to nursery 4 full days a week from age 8 months, transitioned to pre-school and now school and at nearly ten, we’re as close as anything. Their little brother didn’t go to nursery until pre-school at three and I’m just as close to him.

Lazypuppy · 18/11/2018 00:37

@Fallingout

@Lazypuppyit is not unusual for a 12 month old to only have been put to bed by his mother, of course that’s normal and fine. Don’t try and turn normal parenting into something else.

In my circle of friends it is very odd! I breastfed for 1st 6 months but also pumped so from a month old we have taken it in turns each night to put baby to bed.

My daughter is 10 months old and my mum has babysat on evenings around 8 or 9 times, had her overnight twice. She has also been looked after by 2 of our friends on 2 occasions.

I was always going to be going back to work ft so have made sure my daughter has been looked after by different people for short periods to help get her used to it.

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