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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid dilemma

25 replies

Take7 · 17/11/2018 18:15

I was her bridesmaid a few years ago. We were great friends, had kids the same age, our other halves are good friends etc. She had a baby a few months ago and since the day she announced the pregnancy, she’s become less and less of a friend.
She’s always making plans with other prople(who usually have babies too) and is never free to meet up, and never arranged anything with me, or other friends who don’t have a baby. It’s bizarre!
We’ve been pregnant at the same time and she was desperate for me to have a baby when she announced she was expecting! I’m definitely done with babies!
Anyway, im getting married next year and she’s one of my bridesmaids. I’m pretty miffed with her though at how seemingly un-arsed she is about our friendship now. Like I’m no use to her now.
WIBU to not have her as my bridesmaid now, even though I’ve already asked her?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 17/11/2018 18:23

If you've already asked her then it is a bit mean to change your mind. It's up to you though I think you'll effectively end the friendship if you do say she's not a bridesmaid anymore.

Blanchedupetitpois · 17/11/2018 18:24

I think you should stick it out. She’s probably caught up with the new baby - it doesn’t mean she won’t have more time for you in the future when things have settled.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/11/2018 18:27

I agree, she has just had a baby so is probably preoccupied and caught up in the whirlwind that is a new baby. I would arrange to have a catch up and chat and see if she still wants to be a bridesmaid.

Cigarettessuffragettesandboys · 17/11/2018 18:33

I Think when you have a baby it can be more comfortable spending time with people who have babies as opposed to those who don’t. You have to give the baby most of the attention and as a result end up giving the conversation you’re in very little. I know for me I always feel rude if my baby needs me while a friend with no/older children is talking - I end up feeling guilty and like shit company. Its probably this rather than her being “un-arsed.”

You need to think whether you can accept this is the way your friendship is now or not. You are perfectly entitled to decide you cant and ask her not to be a bridesmaid (it’s your wedding after all) but make sure you know for sure before you do. Have you tried talking to her about how you feel?

Original poster
Take7 · 17/11/2018 18:37

I haven’t mentioned anything yet. Apparently she’s famous for this though. She has a habit of being friends with people who are the most use to her at the time. I’m pissed off and hurt. We still have 2 other kids each that are the same age. I know my 2 miss hanging out with her kids. Every time I try to arrange something she already has plans. I’ve given up asking now! We’d planned to do something wedding-related last week, never heard off her. Spoke to her that afternoon and she’s gone shopping with her mum instead. No apology. I know she’d remembered as we’d only spoken about it a day or so before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Take7 · 17/11/2018 18:38

As for ruining the friendship, it really doesn’t feel like there’s a friendship to ruin anymore. We do have mutual friends but I don’t think they hear much off her now either. They haven’t had a baby either!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 17/11/2018 18:39

When is the wedding?

SleepingStandingUp · 17/11/2018 18:41

If you an I'd stick at it for a while. See how interested she is in coming dress shopping etc and if she isn't, offer her an out. You don't seem to have time to do any of this stuff, if you'd rather just be a guest I understand etc.

Agree that deselcting her will cause a rift. How long ago did you ask her?

Antigon · 17/11/2018 18:43

Of course you shouldn't have her as BM if she's no longer a good friend.

Make one last attempt to discuss this with her, tell her you're hurt and don't know why your friendship has changed.

If she dismisses it then you know she shouldn't be BM.

Cigarettessuffragettesandboys · 17/11/2018 18:44

Well it’s really not fair on the kids to miss out on seeing their friends. I do feel for you - you should be surrounded by people who are just as excited as you about your big day. It’s just a case of deciding if the friendship has run it’s course or not because of you think this might subside it’s worth biting your tounge.

However if she has a reputation for this and you’d rather just move on then I don’t think you’d be out of order to not have her as a bridesmaid. People are allowed to change their minds.

Original poster
Take7 · 17/11/2018 18:55

Problem is, her husband is likely to be DPs best man. I’m trapped in a way. I don’t feel like she’s ‘earning’(for want of a better word) her right to share this with me. My other BMs are so excited. I felt like I had to ask her as I was hers. It’s sort of an unwritten rule I think.

OP posts:
Cigarettessuffragettesandboys · 17/11/2018 19:37

Totally see the predicament. If it were me I’d probably keep her to keep the peace. But only you know if that will eat away at you to the point that is spoils your day and If there would be a fall out would be for DP and best man. What does DP think?

Original poster
Take7 · 17/11/2018 20:03

He reckons to leave it until after Xmas. I am feeling a bit resentful about it tbh. If she suddenly decides she can ‘fit me in’ I know I’ll feel used. Nightmare

OP posts:
hazell42 · 17/11/2018 20:16

Are you sure you're not a bridezilla? 'Earned the right to share it with you?
What does that mean?
I doubt that your other bridesmaids are 'really excited' about your wedding. They are being polite. No one else's wedding is. Get over yourself.
You have asked her now. It would be really mean to withdraw it without a good reason and her partner would be likely to give your wedding a miss if she is uninvited too.

Original poster
Take7 · 17/11/2018 20:37

Oof! Bad day?
I’m not unininviting her... and I’m definitely not a bridezilla. It’s a very laid back wedding and I’m not one to flap at all.
Anyway, I meant I only chose close friends and my sister(all of whom ARE excited) to be with me in the run up, planning and on the day. This particular friend though, isn’t bothered anymore and only bothers with people who fit her life. I like to actually have a friendship that works both ways, not a one-sided, when it suits, friendship...

OP posts:
ZoeWashburne · 17/11/2018 20:55

You can’t unasked bridesmaid. That is a friendship ending move.

She just had a baby. Cut her some slack!

JennyWoodentop · 17/11/2018 21:11

Well, you could gently suggest that you completely understand that her baby is her priority at the moment and you are very happy for her & that you realise that fitting wedding stuff in at the moment is a challenge for her so you will not be offended at all if she wants to step down from being a bridesmaid and just be a normal guest.
Only you know her how well enough to preict how that will go as it's a bit passive aggressive, as the subtext is step up or step out. She may have a hissy fit, on the other hand it might be the face saving get out clause she's looking for........

JennyWoodentop · 17/11/2018 21:13

Only you know her how well enough to preict

only you know her well enough to predict...........

Original poster
Take7 · 17/11/2018 21:16

She was made up to be a bridesmaid. We’ve talked about it for years! I’m not bothered about her doing wedding stuff. I want my friend back more than anything

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 17/11/2018 21:17

Oh well then you are totally right to not want her to be BM and there is every way tgat she might not want to bm. I would quietly forget about her being BM. Maybe your dh can gave another friend as best man?

Original poster
Take7 · 17/11/2018 21:17

Having a new baby is a big thing. Something you tend to share with close friends. I feel very pushed out just because I haven’t had a baby at the same time as her.

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 17/11/2018 21:32

"Anyway, I meant I only chose close friends and my sister(all of whom ARE excited) to be with me in the run up, planning and on the day."

Wy do bridesmaids need to be involved in wedding planning? Maybe I'm old fashioned, but aren't bridesmaids just meant to be there for the bride on the wedding day itself?

Original poster
Take7 · 17/11/2018 22:58

They don’t need to be. They seem to want to be. We have a group chat that we sometimes chat about dresses(mine and theirs), hen do plans etc. It isn’t all about me. I hate being centre of attention! I want everyone else to have a fantastic time too!

OP posts:
JennyWoodentop · 17/11/2018 23:05

Sorry, I misunderstood your OP. I thought you wanted to know if it was OK to sack her as she's not interested in being a bridesmaid in the way you want her to be. My earlier suggestion was of one way to have that conversation if you couldn't just let things carry on as they are.

If what you really want is the friendship back the way it used to be, it doesn't look as if that is what she wants at the moent, and that's not something you can force. I realise that is sad for you, but you are at different phases of life at the moment - she with a young baby, you not; you about to get married, her not. You both seem to have different needs and expectations from friendships at this point. You said she is hanging out with other people with young babies, and while that may feel to you like a rejection, it is presumably something she wants and needs at the moment. Friendships evolve and change over time and that may be what's happening here, and of course that's sad for you. I would explore other friendships but keep things amicable with her as things may change once she is out of the young baby zone and you may be able to reconnect if she is a really good friend, or you may not, but at least you will have left the door open for her.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/11/2018 23:45

OP she's on her third baby?

I think just be hienst. If the friendship is worth anything it can cope with honesty. I miss you, I feel like you never have time for the kids to play or us to catch up lately. Is there anything we can do between us to fix this?

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