We need to move house but we both want different things

[kennelmaid]

Me and DH are already arguing about what we want our next house to be like and we haven't even had this one valued yet! We are coming up to retirement and we are planning to move house in the next two years. We've lived in our current place for 15 years - it's a very large bungalow with a very large garden, in the countryside. I'd like to move into something smaller, more manageable and with fewer expensive outgoings like heating, maintenance etc. He sneers at this idea and is talking about barn conversions and places with lots of work needing to be done. I'm always the one who compromises. The way I feel right now I can see us selling the house, dividing up the proceeds and going our separate ways. Is this a common experience?

Buy 2 flats. Yours all lovely. His a doer uper!!

How about a compromise.

Can you divide your large bungalow into two parts (they don't need to be equal parts) and make one a place to rent out (an annex on your house with garden)?

He can have a "project" and you will get some income from renting it out. Maybe refurbish your side of the property too.

You might be able to redesign your part of the house to make it easier to look after and nicer to live in too?

mosiac great minds think alike - I've suggested something similar before. It seems to be more about the size of the house - to him, it's about status and wanting people to be envious. Our current home was very run down when we bought it and it felt like we were living on a building site for about five years while it was being done up, it was horrible. We moved here from a modern detached in town which he called a box. He wanted something to renovate in the country and he got what he wanted, which is one of the reasons I'm loathe to let him have his own way again. He's very, very persistent and can make my life a misery by constantly badgering me until I give in.

Op why don't you step out of the dynamic, by saying that when you sell you will split the proceeds and buy what you want, he can do the same........

You're "coming up to retirement' - is he perhaps scared of being bored, and looking for a project to keep him busy?

I thought me and dh would get divorced when buying a house. We both wanted massively different things. We ended up buying a map and marking off the areas which we would never live in, might live in and ideal areas. We then made a list each of will not compromise on under any circumstances like my dh wanted a drive way and a side passage and my list was a utility room and big kitchen. We looked at every hose in our areas in ournpeice range and it took two years but we found somewhere. We compromised on a lot of our lists on the end but it was worth it! I suppose what I am saying is you both need to decide what is life of death no compromise under any circumstances and what you can be moved on.

I'd also consider if he was thinking a doer upper will give him something to do. Many folks like to retire to a project.

I'm with him that barn conversions are beautiful but I suspect they will be very expensive to heat due to ceiling height.

I guess you have to find a house that is a mid way compromise for you both, enough for him to do and feel proud of where he lives and you not to live in a building site and be comfortable with the bills.

Some people say that living in the country where services are less is not so great and that you should live in town when you are older.

How would it be living there if you couldn't drive for instance?

I can say this because DH and I are currently bungalow hunting and look for a Tube station nearby (we are Londoners), buses and a small supermarket within walking distance.

We have a family sized house now and people ask us if we are downsizing? We don't want it to have much less space but ideally it should be big enough to live downstairs (so bathroom and 1 bedroom or more downstairs) plus two lounges and an eat-in kitchen. It's probably going to cost about the same as we are selling if not a little more (by the time I have it all done up). But it will be our last home.

Friends think we are too young to worry about things like acessability, being currently healthy, but things can change in a flash and a house can be impossible to live in e.g. steps down to kitchen.

At the moment (I'm late 50s and DH is 6 years older) a move to a well located wreck is exciting, in ten years time I'm sure I would think differently.

Getting care packages in the countryside is a nightmare and unless the bus services are awesome there is a risk you could become isolated if you have to give up driving. I don't think he should badger you until you give in, you are equal partners. Could you buy a flat and a cheap house that he can do up and sell?