MIL, DH, WWYD?

[BeautifulSunnyDays]

MIL is very controlling, abusive (constantly criticising DH) and impossible to talk to (other than very superficial subjects). DH (45) recently went low contact after an argument and has been much, much happier.

His sibling who lives away and has no day to day contact with mil has recently sent a text saying the DH/MIL situation (low contact) cannot continue and he must resolve it. (Mil clearly applied emotional blackmail to get her own way, lots of back story but I know how she operates)

Whilst I agree the situation is by no means ideal and in a perfect world we would all get along wonderfully, in 20 years that I've known her (and all DH's life) , she is not one to make any changes to her behaviour, or accept even half of the blame for the current situation.

So, WWYD? DH's knee-jerk reaction to the text is to return to the previous contact levels, but i can see that if he does this, then nothing will change and life will continue as before, with DH sinking into his former behaviours (allowing her to behave unreasonably) in his efforts to deal with her

How often was he seeing her before?

Who put his sibling in charge? WTF has it too do with them? Does DH always jump to his family when told? Having managed t break away and go lc he should remain lc the nail he wants to change it. Personally I would suggest no contact as it seems MIL will not change.

His sibling who lives away and has no day to day contact with mil has recently sent a text saying the DH/MIL situation (low contact) cannot continue and he must resolve it

because if DH has contact it takes the pressure of him

The sibling sent a text????

His/her concern for their brother's relationship with their mother was so deep they went to the great effort of sending a text?

I would accord the text the importance that it deserves.

You and your DH need to sit down together and decide what you want to do, and how you want to do it. He needs to be reminded that your little unit is where his focus should lie, and that he's been happier since low contact.

If a sibling messaged me to spend more time with a family member who was a prick I'd reply "lol" and ignore them. And I never use "lol".

You're all saying what I think too. It's so tricky when I can see (and so can he) how much happier DH is LC with her. He just wants it to be nice, but it can't be with her, she doesn't work that way.

DH visited her her most days on his way to or from work.
He does understand that things will go back to how they were, but equally he's not happy with the principle of being LC with her. He just wants the situation to be different, but it never will be with her.

I'd be tempted to reply. 'I don't understand. The only way to resolve this is to reduce contact to zero. Still if it's what you think needs to be done we'll consider it.'.

I think you've got enough evidence (her continued and sustained behaviour and the fact that DH is much happier - she is highly unlikely to change) to conclude that continuing the current low contact is the way to go .

His sibling is acting as a 'flying monkey'. I would google how to handle them - there is a lot of good advice out there.

I definitely wouldn't increase contact to previous levels - you'll just be going through all this again further down the line. At some point you really do have to completely accept the toxic person for who they are and do whatever you can to protect your mental health and happiness (which for most people includes going LC, VLC and NC).

I suspect the sibling is trying to apply pressure to DH because having DH pop in every day appeases any guilt that the sibling might be feeling re lack of parental contact.

It is so lovely you support your husband and want the best for him but ultimately its his decision...You however have a choice of your own..you do not have to tolerate her one iota..I would suggest letting him make his own decision but stipulate your right as a family not to be affected by her at all..If she continues in her bad behaviour you do not want to know about it though as he knows the consequences of her actions so he knows what will come again from her again and again.It might help focus his thinking. We all want to give second chances in the hope that goodwill and happiness and respect are returned but sometimes enough is enough and you have to let go for your own mental health..sounds like your husband is not quite there yet but you don;t have to put up with the drama of it all even if he does.He will get there OP its just trying to limit the damage until he does...As for the siblings its non of their business and they should choose to not get involved ideally.If she cannot make any redress for her actions or will not then you have your answer.

Ignore the sibling who is acting as the mother's flying monkey here. This person has no interest in hearing your DH's side of things so his/her opinion should be ignored.

Do not increase contact to previous levels. I would suggest your DH reads "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, you could read her book about inlaws.

Sibling is probably texting because they want MIL off their back. Just text something vague like "we need time to think & & let dust settle" . Then carry on LC.

Deffo a flying monkey of MIL. My partner had this when he went NC with his ‘mother’ (say that term loosely as she is and was evil to him) he had aunties/cousins texting and even turning up at our home, all it did was confirm he did the right thing with the lot of them ganging up on him, it kind of confirmed he did right staying away, they are only making it worse..... how dare they demand it must stop?? Typical controlling behaviour, tell your partner put himself and what he wants first, ignore others and don’t let them put him back to misery if he doesn’t want to, ive seen first hand how much it has changed partners life for the better so can absolutely believe how he must be feeling.

I had this with my mother when I went nc with my brother. Of course all my fault and total denial he is a physical threat to me.

The best thing your dh can do is stick to his guns.

" DH (45) recently went low contact after an argument and has been much, much happier. "

Remind him of this.

His sibling who lives away and has no day to day contact with mil has recently sent a text saying the DH/MIL situation (low contact) cannot continue and he must resolve it
Ahhhh, the classic flying monkey tactic used by narcissists to reel their victims back in.
Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Sibling is only doing this because obviously mil has diverted her narcissim on to them despite them thinking they'd got away from it.
If your husband gives in then mil will leave sibling alone.

Your husband needs to stick to his guns and remain strong re his boundaries.
I'd text sibling and tell them to mind their own business, if it's ok for them to go low contact then they're a hypocrite for not respecting that dh wants to do the same.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. You're absolutely right I'm sure the sibling had it much easier when the focus of the attention was on DH. Is obvious once it's pointed out.
I suppose all I can do is remind him how much better he feels now and how incapable of change she is. I may also point out that clearly the sibling doesn't want to open the can of worms that may result from an actual conversation with him.
It's hard when you can see they feel trapped to do what they've been conditioned to do, but know it's no good for them. But as pp has pointed out it's not my decision to make.

just another I would so love to do that.

I'd suggest just advising the sibling to mind his or her own business.

Contact between two adults generally isn't the business of anyone other than the spouses of said adults.

I've been in the middle of a dispute between my sister and my parents. It wasn't a fun place to be. They've fallen out again and my sister has gone NC with our parents. I told my mum I was staying out of it. She understands.

Your DH relationship with his mother is separate to his sibling's relationship to their mother - one does not depend on the other. My response to the sibling would therefore be MYOB.

I agree with others that the siblings motivation is self interest rather than concern.