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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I literally give up. Hand hold please.

39 replies

HCantThinkOfAUsername · 17/11/2018 03:42

I don’t know where to turn too. I’m sobbing just so down and worn out I can’t take any more.

My ex was abusive. There is a thread I’ve done about it. I finally left him - moved house just myself and DC.

I stupidly signed up to POF - no intention of meeting a man at all. It was just a distraction as I’ve found myself missing ex (stupid I know) anyway he found out I was on there (he saw me) and I stupidly didn’t change my passwords and I use the same one on everything, he read my messages on there, social media, emails. I changed my passwords then had an email alert that someone straight away had tried to log into my emails and it showed the device and location.

Yesterday and today he’s been ringing constantly, I’d block him, he’d use another number etc. It turned threatening and he said he was coming round and doesn’t care about any police repercussions as he’s nothing to lose so would strangle me. (Has done before). Rang 999. Whilst police at my house he’s still ringing - the officer speaks to him and says he’s not to contact me.
I’m seeing another solicitor tues so going to get a non mol hopefully.

He has told my employers I’m sleeping with a drug dealer, he has now text me apologising - he’s reported me to social services this afternoon for neglect, not feeding my children, having a drug dealer round my house and concerns for my MH. I have not spoken or met with a drug dealer I do not have a clue who he is even on about and the only man that has even set foot in my house is my dad.

I feel sick and can’t srop crying I’ve just had enough and give up. My gran who raised me does suddenly 6 weeks ago, I’ve horrendous health and waiting on a transplant whilst looking after dc making sure everything the best for them, they are warm, fed, clean have a good routine and calm environment for the first time ever and now this.

Ex alleges the officer told him to contact SS with my concerns.

I just don’t know how to go on anymore. I can’t remener the last time I slept more then an hour and I’m fucked.

Sorry this is long. I don’t know what to do with myself :(

OP posts:

CheshireChat · 01/12/2018 23:16

Well, abusers are often charming, his family and friends haven't had to deal with the terrible side of him so they'll believe him. You and your children have lived through it so you know he's abusive.

Would it help to write down what he's done- not just to you, but your kids as well? And every time you wonder if you've made the right choice, reread it and remember why you left him. Hell, use a MN for the same purpose, there'll be plenty of people telling you not to go back.

There's nothing wrong with you, you aren't the arsehole threatening to hurt people .

Dotty1970 · 01/12/2018 23:16

I'm so sorry.
I need to go but have to say your doing so wonderful, keep strong, your dc are so lucky to have such a strong and good mother.

Shriek · 01/12/2018 23:20

Stay strong. You are strong, don't believe what he says, he has spent his time with you convincing you he is right and you are wrong,but that's just him. You know hea the one that's wrong now.

You have a right to be happy and free of him. You deserve that.

He will become more dangerous, be safe, keep your phone 'warm', lock everything and make sure he can't know your plans.

Original poster

HCantThinkOfAUsername · 01/12/2018 23:24

Thank you so much, I really am grateful for the response.

Yes I need to write a list that’s a good idea!
It’s easiee when he’s horrible now mad is that?!

OP posts:

3ChangingForNow · 01/12/2018 23:24

The man has strangled you. YOU know the facts. There is no confusion, only smoke and mirrors, and headfucking. You are absolutely 100% clear that he has abused you, and so are SS and so are the police. It's crystal clear.

AnoukSpirit · 01/12/2018 23:30

If it's any comfort I remember driving myself mad with this is the beginning. It does get less confusing and easier to trust your own mind.

Just keep firmly reminding yourself that this is part of abuse.

A refuge might help you get away from the head games.

Don't forget the Freedom Programme is always open to you. It might help you stay clear on what's going on here and how wrong it is.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/12/2018 23:36

It’s easiee when he’s horrible now mad is that?!

Not mad at all. When he is horrible you can look at the messages or remember the calls and the abuse and think "Yes, I did the right thing". But when they are being nice, and his flying monkeys are all saying that you are the problem, you do begin to question your judgement.

I found that writing down a list of what he did to me helped during the "nice" periods. When you are questioning yourself you can read it and it will remind you that its not ok for him to attempt to kill you, for him to traumatise you and the kids, for him to abuse you.

Take care, stay strong

Original poster

HCantThinkOfAUsername · 01/12/2018 23:50

I’m writing a list now, it will help, I’ve got this far (2 months) so I need to stay strong and believe I can do this.
Re doing freedom in Janurary so that will help :)

OP posts:

thelaststraw123 · 01/12/2018 23:56

Google NCDV, they can help with non mol orders. I second refuge! It's much easier to have that support on hand when you need it. I stupidly left my refuge space and went back to abusive ex. Going back into refuge tomorrow as he attacked me and tried to strangle me last night

FoxFoxSierra · 01/12/2018 23:59

Well done op, keep going

It's less than 2 weeks since you first posted and already you are stronger and getting a plan in place! You are not minimising anything, he fucking strangled you and is threatening to do the same again ffs! Most likely is that he knows you are vulnerable with your GM's passing so recently and thinks he can fuck with your head and get his sick power kick from you again. You are doing fantastically, keep the people who support you close and fuck the rest, you deserve happiness, love and peace and none of his bollocks

Bluerussian · 02/12/2018 00:11

You poor girl. I admire your strength, you are doing so well. Keep it up .

Jux · 02/12/2018 00:12

You had a thread about his abuse? Re-read that whenever you feel yourself wavering.

Write lists, as people upthread have said.
Keep abusive texts and emails, including from his family.
Write down as much as you can bear to of what it was like, the fear, the walking on eggshells, trying to protect the children from it.

Keep revisiting the bad memories by reading all that stuff, when you feel yourself weakening.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/12/2018 00:29

Thelaststraw stay safe my love, you know you are doing the right thing. We all go back, all of us do at least once. Myabe this time he means it that he will change, maybe it was a one off, maybe it was our fault and if we didnt wind him up he wouldnt do it....... But we learn that they wont change and that the only way to stop the abuse is to escape. Please post tomorrow to say that you are safe xx

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 02/12/2018 00:51

Oh lovely, you have done the hardest part, you have left him! Stay strong and you will get through all the shit he is throwing at you.
You have done nothing wrong, and it will be fine in the end, I promise!
It is so hard to get away, and stay safe, but you can do it.

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