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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think he should be doing more?

28 replies

Sunhill4 · 16/11/2018 23:29

Ok, so hubbies business has gone insolvent after 30 years through no fault of his own. It just so happens that a year ago I got a decent full-time job so we should just about be ok financially. Mortgage is paid off and kids are grown up. However, I am still doing shopping, more than half the housework and the cooking. I know he's had a tough time . . . BUT! Today I got in from work at 8pm to be told he didn't need dinner as he was eating a pot noodle but what about me? I was hungry and had to get myself something to eat after a long and tiring day while he was sitting on the settee watching fucking golf! What are your thoughts - please?

OP posts:

mumsy27 · 16/11/2018 23:34

Remember the good 30years..i guess he was the main bread winner.
As woman you can't help it to see his image diminished to pot noodle as teenager.

thereallochnessmonster · 16/11/2018 23:37

Talk to him. Remind him how you used to cook for him every night. Ask him to do the same for you. Plus remind him of the housework you used to do, and ask him to do this while you are working... show him how to do internet shopping, talk about redistribution of chores. Make a list of who should do what.

Good luck.

trojanpony · 16/11/2018 23:38

Sit him down and talk to him properly.

Original poster

Sunhill4 · 16/11/2018 23:58

Thank you so much for your replies. To give you a clearer picture. Over the last 30 years I have brought up our 3 children with very little help or input from him, been blackmailed into keeping his books and running payroll & always had at least 2 part time jobs to help make ends meet as well as doing all household chores. I just feel it's very unfair now I'm the only breadwinner and he's still not pulling his weight. I'm really bad at confrontation and have no idea how to resolve this without causing an argument. He is washing up and doing the washing, ironing & running the hoover round the lounge. He seems to think that's enough though and as you all know there is so much more!

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 17/11/2018 00:11

You'll just have to text him on your way home. "There's a chicken pie in the freezer. Please could you put it in the oven. Baking potatoes are in the fridge: they go in the micro for 20 minutes, and stick a can of baked beans in a saucepan. I'll be home in half an hour". That's what I would do. Nothing complicated. Maybe he can get more ambitious once he gets the hang of it?

theworldistoosmall · 17/11/2018 00:11

And so what if he was the main bread earner during the years. He came back to a meal on the table, clean clothes and the house clean. He needs to step up now, get off his arse and do this for you or fuck off and live somewhere else. He's turned into a cocklodger.

Rachelover40 · 17/11/2018 00:26

You have to lay it on the line for him. Things have changed, times have changed. He has to change.

It might take him a bit of time but if he starts making an effort now, he may even come to enjoy doing more around the house. You can still be nice to him, he's demoralised.

mumsy27 · 17/11/2018 00:35

If you want to follow theworldistoosmall advice then you become the statistics or cliche husband saying i lost my job thrn i lost my marriage and I'm not thinking in the slightest that is your case.

To tell him fuck off as someone suggested isn't the answer.
I'm not condoning his actions,however 30 plus years of one regime will take time to adjust and if you think men and women will adjust to the current situation similarly then you are wrong .

theworldistoosmall · 17/11/2018 00:39

He shouldn't need reminding or sitting down. He should be a capable adult with enough sense to think hang on a minute these things don't just happen. When I was at work, she did all this, plus raised the kids and worked part-time. Now it's my turn to do these things.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2018 00:45

It's time to use your voice. Loud and clear. Times have changed and his taking the piss is no longer going to be tolerated.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/11/2018 00:52

Of course he should be doing more.

Unless his company only went insolvent yesterday!

Weenurse · 17/11/2018 00:58

Again a chore chart is required. Some just don’t see what needs doing
List all the jobs required from cooking, cleaning, dry cleaning and all household management stuff, like dog to vet.
List every thing you did when he worked and everything he did.
Point out now that things are reversed , he needs to take on a bigger list. Then divide up the list again into new responsibilities.
Just don’t let him do the finances.

MrsTerryPratcett · 17/11/2018 01:04

He's a grown up. He knows how to do these things. Just like OP knew how to get a job and do it when she needed to. I'm always astounded how little people think of men, that they need to be spoon fed and given a chore chart. Fuck knows how they run all the governments and companies.

Omzlas · 17/11/2018 01:19

He definitely needs to step up - maybe a reminder of how much YOU did over the last 3 decades would help. In a calm discussion though

Could he be depressed about the whole situation? It sounds like a huge change and he's just lost 30 years (maybe more) of his life's work

MrsMrsMrsMrs · 17/11/2018 01:45

I was going to say what PP just mentioned.
He sounds like he might be depressed. I lost my job recently and with it I lost a whole lot of motivation. I know I should be doing more but I’m frustrated, unmotivated and fed up. For the next few weeks I’ll be doing a small amount of seasonal work. I know I’ll also get more housework etc done too because I’ll have my mojo back a bit.
Is there something he can do part time job wise? Some people just can’t be alone at home all day.

MrsMrsMrsMrs · 17/11/2018 01:47

Also send him links to cookery videos that he might enjoy cooking for dinner 😁

Weenurse · 17/11/2018 02:00

Chore chart worked for us, DH would not think that DC need to see dentist regularly. Or dog to vet.
He is quite capable of seeing what needs doing in the house though
Agree, maybe a bit of depression in play here as well.
Is he interested in finding other work?

Foundmyvoice · 17/11/2018 02:26

Its easy to make this a bigger issue than it is. Small steps will help both of you adjust to your new circumstances. I wouldn't go into a rage to someone who has lost the business after 30 years...that's a significant event in anyone's life. Small step 1. If yolu expect dinner when you get in then plan the night before what you are going to eat, make it a discussion point, "what do you fancy for dinner tomorrow? I could take x,y.z out of the freezer could you put it on so that its ready for 8pm?" Talk about what he could make, with encouragement he may well enjoy cooking, make sure you compliment his food..
Small step 2 "could you go to Tesco and get x..y. z from the shops tomorrow?" small steps and lots of positive encouragement will make the man you want. We all have ego's and right now your husband needs your support not your condemnation. You maybe want to think about your long term goals and what you guys want in retirement, that may drive him to picking up a part time job or finding another job. Above all stay positive during this difficult time.

PirateWeasel · 17/11/2018 03:25

In my experience men expect a medal for doing the simplest tasks. My DH proudly regales me with a list of all the jobs he's done that day like a kid coming home from primary school. It's annoying as hell but at least he's doing the jobs. Leave your DH a list of things that need doing each day so he starts to learn how big this running a home thing actually is. Because you haven't demanded praise and recognition every day for the last thirty years doesn't mean you've not been doing anything! 🙄

MrsTerryPratcett · 17/11/2018 05:03

DH would not think that DC need to see dentist regularly.

Seriously? I am ancient and remember going to the dentist as a child. Ergo, children visit the dentist. I mean come on. Really?

Shoxfordian · 17/11/2018 05:43

He's not really contributing to your lives much. I don't know why he should need all this mollycoddling and encouragement to do housework, he's not a child. Have you spoken to him about this?

Original poster

Sunhill4 · 17/11/2018 09:57

It's very early days. He has been home for a few weeks now. I am very minsful of the fact that he may be a little delicate plus it's such a big life change. He has never really done anything round the home before so to him the few chores he is doing probably seem like a lot! Yesterday he did get offered a part time job. Only 18 hours a week but he was pleased with himself and i'm thinking it will do his ego good.

I would not tell someone i've loved deeply for 33 years to fuck off for not doing enough household chores. I just feel a little frustrated and needed opinions. I'm worried i will cause a row though if he doesn't get off his arse soon!

OP posts:

Chamomileteaplease · 17/11/2018 10:25

All this micromanaging! Sod that. Why should you have to do all the thinking and planning for him just so that he can put a meal on the table for you. Jeez. It's not rocket science.

If I were you I would have a good think about what it is I thought was fair and what I would like him to do. Then I would request a chat about it. But before I talked to him I would have a good word with myself about what I was worrried about. You said you were worried about it causing an argument. Well you have got to talk that through with yourself so that you can get over that. So what if it causes an argument? You can work through that. You may have to to get to the other side.

It is worth it. Otherwise resentments will build up both sides and it will spoil what could be a new chapter in your lives. Really try and come to an agreement that you are both happy with.

fieryginger · 17/11/2018 10:39

Communication - "right you're home, I'm not, can you make sure we BOTH have dinner of a night please, starting Monday". It might be a good idea to discuss what you'd both like to eat and go shopping, even down to planning what meal, what night. Don't leave it to guess work.

Weenurse · 17/11/2018 22:54

@MrsTerryPratcett worse, his brother is a dentist. Planning these 6 monthly visits did not enter his radar. I don’t know what the dentist visit set up was for him as a child.
Dentist has always been my job.
Having said that, my girls tell me, of all their friend ship groups, they are the only ones who go to the dentist regularly.
OP great news on the part time job, now dividing household chores to take into account each other’s job needs

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