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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Depressed friend

26 replies

recklessruby · 16/11/2018 23:20

I m sitting here demolishing a bottle of red wine after work due to my hopelessness and irritation with my friend.
She's depressed and been prescribed anti depressants by her GP but she refuses to take them saying the voices in her head won't let her. These voices have been insulting to me saying I m ugly and stuff (she tells me). I tried to say they are not real and taking the tablets will help but tonight I gave her a lift home and she was screaming at me that she hated her house and would rather live on the streets.
I m tired and needed to get home and get to the shop before it shut for milk and cat Food. She even ended up shouting at me that my cat is more important than my friends.
She just messaged me saying sorry. This happens 3 times a week approximately
Aibu to be done with it and really need my own space?
I have tried really hard to help for months now.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 16/11/2018 23:30

Yanbu, but don't blame her for you demolishing the wine. If you're going to look after yourself then take responsibility for your choices. Choose not to let her drag you down. I did likewise with a friend because I could see my 'help' wasn't helping and she needed to get proper help. Which ultimately she did and is doing much better and understands why I backed off. Obviously your friend might not understand to begin with but be clear that she needs to try the antidepressants and that until she does you can't keep having this carry on. Take care.

Original poster
recklessruby · 16/11/2018 23:38

Thank you Pink delight. I m worn out trying to be kind
I don't want to be horrible but I never know what the mood will be from hour to hour and I m just exhausted from a long week of it

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Disquieted1 · 16/11/2018 23:39

She is depressed and is making you depressed. Her problems are becoming your problems.
Please don't let this happen.

Singlenotsingle · 16/11/2018 23:41

If she won't help herself, how can anyone else help her? You need to back away, or you'll end up needing medication yourself.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 16/11/2018 23:43

I don't think YABU, it's a very difficult situation for you to be in. It sounds like your friend is having a psychotic episode and really needs help, but there's a limit to what you can do it she's not willing to seek help herself. Does she have family or other friends that you could contact on her behalf? Not saying you have any kind of responsibility to do so of course.

thereallochnessmonster · 16/11/2018 23:47

Ok. So you need to look after yourself here.

Either say you need some time away from her, and say why, or tell her to stop when she is rude to you. She needs to realise she can’t do that.

Original poster
recklessruby · 16/11/2018 23:49

I have bipolar but it's properly medicated so she thinks I understand
I have told her of the times I went without medication, the jobs I lost and the horrible rows with family but she doesn't see that I want her to take the tablets and get well.
I m trying not to let it trigger me as I have been stable for 2 years but hearing hurtful things is not good.

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Original poster
recklessruby · 16/11/2018 23:51

She has fallen out with most of her family and her mother is a self pitying woman who only cares about herself

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FaithInfinity · 17/11/2018 00:04

Her MH issues do not give her an excuse to treat you as her punching bag. It may be understandable that she loses it once but you say this is happening three times a week?

This situation isn’t helping her, it’s only hurting you too. You could consider calling the GP practice and asking for a phone consultantation? They can’t discuss her with you but you could express concerns that she’s hearing voices, she’s refusing to take her medications and you’re very concerned about her. They might ask her to make an appointment based on this (but of course she has to engage with them).

It’s a difficult situation but she’s treating you horribly and you have to look after and protect yourself too.

Original poster
recklessruby · 17/11/2018 00:16

It's horrible because she's actually a really nice person who will do anything for you but lately it's like she needs me (and often says she loves me) but she hates me too for really random reasons like having long hair or talking to other friends. The latest rant is because I have a car.

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Adalovesgiraffes · 17/11/2018 08:35

These rants/insults aren't personal toward you, she's struggling and can say these things to you as a safe person who won't go away because she has said them. Or the voices in her head are telling her so and she's not able to cope with them at the minute. Let them be water off a duck's back.
However, the line between friend and mental support is blurred, if I were you I would encourage her to talk to her GP and maybe a helpline (google your area) as she probably needs access to a CPN and a talking service. She can always call Samaritans to talk to as well, 116 123 in the UK.
You're her friend and not there to make her better, that is the job of the professionals. Please don't make the mistake of putting her illness before your own mental wellbeing because then who would help her and you?

Original poster
recklessruby · 17/11/2018 10:56

Update. She called me at 2 am saying sorry and slamming things around in her kitchen. She slammed the door really hard and said she hates herself and would rather live on the streets. I was awake till 4 talking to her and calming her down.
I can't go on like this.

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CrabbyPatty · 17/11/2018 11:05

I disagree with @FaithInfinity slightly in that in her case it sounds as though her behaviour is being driven by her mental health crisis. Although I also empathise with how draining this is for you to support her, I know from experience of supporting someone I'm too close to to ever give up o them, but it can be difficult. To be honest it can also be futile and i was advised by a psychiatrist that my challenging this person on their paranoid thoughts was only making it worse. I would maybe follow @Adalovesgiraffes advice and try and discuss with the GP but also you could contact a mental health charity on how best to manage this. If you feel she is self-neglecting you could also refer her to Social Care who will probably allocate to the local mental health team if things work the same where you are.

MrsStrowman · 17/11/2018 11:08

Is it possible for you to put your phone on silent of a night or block her number for periods of time? You need to get rest and you need to look after yourself. You can even say to her I care about you but I need to protect my own mental health, I won't be contactable from 11-9 (eg) but I will be available tomorrow.

Original poster
recklessruby · 17/11/2018 11:13

But can I do anything without her consent as I m not family and she acts like a normal 40 year old woman in public most of the time. Just these mad rants are becoming more frequent.
Don't know how it works with mental health teams but don't GP s have to refer you?
And get your consent to be referred?
Also I m in Hertfordshire. There is a big waiting list for this type of support so if you don't engage or turn up for meetings they just discharge you Sad

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Original poster
recklessruby · 17/11/2018 11:14

I leave my phone on out of habit due to having kids!
I guess I could turn it off at night.

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CrabbyPatty · 17/11/2018 11:18

You can attempt to contact her GP to share concerns, in my experience they will listen to you, but obviously can't divulge any information about her and ultimately she is the patient. As I said, if you think she is self-neglecting such as not taking meds, becoming unkempt, taking risks, living in an unsanitary environment (these are just examples) this would meet the criteria for a social care referral as self-neglect is considered a type of abuse. As a member of the public you don't need consent, although it would really depend on their thresholds and what the risks are. Usually if there are mental health issues, mental health teams pick these up and there are set timescales they need to follow if its considered a safeguarding risk. Ultimately, you can't control her and accepting that can be tough. Also, are there any other supportive friends or family members that you can discuss with and share the burden with? You don't need consent to be a friend and you are not a professional so you can discuss what you like with them.

Original poster
recklessruby · 17/11/2018 11:27

No family unfortunately. Her mum is still around but just complains about her own problems all the time. I can see why my friend has had enough. The woman would try the patience of a saint.
She has fallen out with her sisters, her dad is dead and she has no dp.
My family and I are her support, but they are sensibly not engaging with it.

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cestlavielife · 17/11/2018 11:34

You can call or email to with your concerns.
You can look after yourself.
Set your boundaries e.g. be there for her on Wednesdays p.m 2 to 6.
You can give her number for samaritans
You can't be her therapist unless you are trained

Original poster
recklessruby · 17/11/2018 11:54

Ironically I m a trained counsellor but even though I m not practicing and work in a school it would be unethical of me to counsel her.

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Sisgal · 17/11/2018 12:01

Just block her. You've tried to help for a long time. You should not be used as her emotional punching bag. Treating someone like shit and then saying sorry doesn't make it OK. She is impacting on you negatively. Time to take a step back and focus on you.

stressedmum15 · 17/11/2018 12:12

I also have a friend like that , he recently was diagnosed the name I can't remember but it sounds similar to what your friend has . Voices saying that he is evil etc sounds horrific. The thing is with my friend has been ill for a long time drinking very heavily to block these voices out . He recently got help diagnosed and put on medication but again stated drinking and phoning me . I told him time and time again not to ring when drunk and I was fuming with him this time that while on medication started drinking even though doctors told him it will kill him . It's very frustrating and upsetting to see someone you care for like this and I admit I have cut contact with him for the foreseeable. I really hope he gets well but it is a strain for everyone involved.

TatterdemalionAspie · 17/11/2018 12:32

Is she is hearing voices, screaming that she would rather live on the streets and phoning you at 2am in an irrational state, it sounds as though she needs immediate psychiatric help for her psychosis.

Can you ring her GP first thing on Monday and tell them what's been happening. They can't discuss her with you, but you can give them information.

Tramadolmaybe · 17/11/2018 12:38

She sounds like she’s in crisis but you do need to protect yourself too.
If it was me I’d be setting up some ground rules with her (ie no calling over night but here’s the number for Samaritans and the crisis team).
I’d also be calling the crisis team and her gp to let them know how she is and that you have real concerns.

Original poster
recklessruby · 17/11/2018 12:54

Thanks everyone. Just had another apology by text.
I guess I m so used to it I think it's normal but obviously you have all told me ianbu so thanks. Feel like I m going crazy myself.

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